Divorce - Ex has cut kids and me off financially

[artichaut27]

Hi,

I'm in the middle of a nasty divorce. I left my ex just after Xmas as he was yelling insults at me in front of my 6 year old and that was the last straw.

From the very beginning, I refused to speak to him except WhatsApp, as he would try to bait me into more arguments, even with kids around. Since then, I've had to block him from all my emails, phone, WhatsApp.

He is extremely angry to have lost control over me and I've put boundaries in place each time he baits me into a fight, and he hates the fact that I instructed a solicitor.

As soon as he found out that I did, he stopped working or/and pretended to not being working so not to provide for us. This started in January. He has now managed to run the bank account to the limit of the joint account, leaving me with no money whatsoever. He then proceeded to cancel my phone contract on my DS2's birthday, and I have now lost my phone number of many years.

My lawyer has asked him to pay me a monthly temporary CMS 'voluntarily', and if he failed she would issue a court injunction.

He has refused to pay anything pretending not to afford it, which is not true, as he has been working and hiding his income from us for months.

Anyone been there? How did you sort it out? Apparently a court injunction is not 100% guaranteed, and this would only mean more fees that I can't afford.

I'm a stay-at-home mum in a town that doesn't have my industry. I've always been financially independent before I met him, but once I became pregnant, we decided that I would stay and look after the boys and I've been out of the job market for 10 years now, with no big prospects for a career. I need to stay here for the boys' school, and I will eventually retrain to be a teacher. But for now, I'm just depending on him financially.

I've had to apply for Universal Credits and I had to borrow money from a friend for pay for shopping and solicitor bill.

His idea is to starve me off financially so he can coerce me into agreeing on less favourable terms for the financial agreement. I won't let that happen however as I will anything to make sure my boys have the best deal.

This has been extremely stressful, and I'm so shocked by his callous behaviour, pushing further into any gap what is acceptable.

DS1(9yo) told school that he wanted to make money to feed his family which is really sad.

Any similar experience appreciated thanks.

You’re giving him an awful lot of power, whilst he absolutely should be providing for you it’s time you contributed too and got a job.

If your oldest is 9. I would consider moving somewhere work is more available.

You need your own account for universal credit. I would put a claim into the cms regardless.

I do sympathise with you, but at the same time.. breaking up with someone and blocking them on all platforms isn’t going to really starting the separation and co-parenting off to on a good footing.

I think it is ok to block them if they are abusive. She doesn’t have to put up with abuse to have aright to child maintenance.

I’m afraid OP that the solution to all this mess is to get a job pronto, don’t waste much money in solicitors unless you have a considerable amount of assets. He will be asked to pay child maintenance but unless he has a very big salary, spousal maintenance is unlikely.

Close the mutual account ASAP before he gets you in debt. And start assuming that once out you are on your own, unless he is a nice generous person, which he is obviously not.

Do not fight for a bigger CM in court, you can get more but it will be costly and he just needs to apply to CMS a year after your court order for the maintenance to go down to the absolute minimum specified by CMS.

Block him and sort out your benefits for now. Then start to look for a job. You can do this.
The phone number is annoying, but it's just a number. Go to the cms for child maint, they can check via his tax and NI for his earnings and take the money from source.

You're still giving him too much power. It'll be difficult to start with, but you have been financially independent and you can do it again

I agree with blocking on WhatsApp etc. I had to do the same with my ex. Only contact through emails and a mutual friend if it is an absolute emergency.

Ex also did the same in regard to cms. (Went self employed and declares small earnings, offset by expenses) honestly, don't count on his money. You will have to retrain, get a different job. Pretty much stand on your own two feet. Honestly you will feel so much better for it, knowing you are not going to have to rely on him.

@premium77

I do sympathise with you, but at the same time.. breaking up with someone and blocking them on all platforms isn’t going to really starting the separation and co-parenting off to on a good footing.

And you don’t think that her ex’s abuse of her has had any impact?

@premium77

I do sympathise with you, but at the same time.. breaking up with someone and blocking them on all platforms isn’t going to really starting the separation and co-parenting off to on a good footing.

Neither is the other party

Sorry posted to soon.

Neither is the other party hurling abuse or starting unnecessary arguments. Sometimes it's the only way

Do you have your own bank account?

Have all money child benefit, universal credit etc go into that.
Open a CMS claim, that’s separate from the court proceedings. If he’s working PAYE they’ll get the money.

Do get a job to help you survive. And also it gives you power, you’re not beholden to him and he doesn’t have all the power.

I blocked ex on everything too. He had to go through the solicitor to speak to me.

He should be providing for his child but don't rely on a man you left to continue to provide for you. He has no reason to

So what was your plan? For you to split up, you to remain a SAHM and him to keep providing money?

Speaking bluntly, that was never going to happen. Men who are arseholes generally behave like this over divorce.

Yes, I've been there. I sorted it out by getting a job. Ex-H was self employed and never paid anything at all in maintenance.

If you've applied for UC and the benefits you are entitled to then that is all you can rely on, to be honest. You'll have to manage on that or find work to support yourself and the children.

It's shit, but the reality of the situation.

I've been out of the job market for 10 years now, with no big prospects for a career. I need to stay here for the boys' school, and I will eventually retrain to be a teacher. But for now, I'm just depending on him financially.

You can't. You've split up with him. Get a job - any job - for now. Re-training as a teacher sounds a bit of a pipe dream. Do you have a degree? Do you need a PGCE? Where will you get the funding to do this? Do you know how difficult it is to get accepted onto a PGCE course?

I'm not wanting to be negative, but the best thing for you at the moment is to take a good hard look at the reality of life and make a sensible plan to support yourself and the children.

DS1(9yo) told school that he wanted to make money to feed his family which is really sad

That comment alone surely would have you take absolutely any job. A court will expect you to work and child support, unless he is a very Hugh earner, simply won’t be enough to live on.

You have to find work. I’m sorry, really I am, but there’s no realistic chance that XH will provide for you financially.

This is rubbish for you, it really is, but you absolutely cannot rely on this man to fund things whilst you stay in the area and then retrain. Try and get in to crisis mode and think that you have to survive, how are you going to do it? That might be by getting any job or it might be by moving area, but you can’t afford to rest on your laurels.

@DinoHat That was one of the worst posts I've ever seen on this site-how the fuck do you sleep at night?

[quote EKGEMS]@DinoHat That was one of the worst posts I've ever seen on this site-how the fuck do you sleep at night? [/quote]
The worst post ever? Is it the only one you’ve read.

I sleep with the window slightly ajar on the left hand side of the bed. Thanks for enquiring.

@DinoHat It was cruel to tell the OP that it's"time to contribute" like staying at home and raising children and keeping the house running has no value, only paid careers. The OP and her children are getting screwed by her weasel of a husband royally and doesn't need to be abused by insensitive posters as well.

I don’t agree. I think it’s realistic. Fortunately this is a forum and we can both have our opinions. Others have said the same.

Op, this must be so stressful for you. Sadly it's not uncommon behaviour for abusive men. I hope you have family and friends for support.

The reality of divorce is that legally you are only likely to be entitled to CMS which can be extremely low if the nrp chooses not to declare all income. It may feel like a mammoth task now but you will be able to support yourself even if it takes a while to reestablish your career.

The will be solutions, you will find a balance of where to live and work. As you have primary aged children moving for work maybe a possibility before secondary school.

Rather harsh comments above. OP, I'm not surprised that with everything else going on you haven't yet sorted out a job for yourself. I imagine you feel like you should be focusing on keeping the boys on an even keel rather than adding to your own stressors. I also think there's nothing wrong with you cutting him off, given his behaviour.

That said, the measure of self-reliance that comes with an income of your own may help reduce your stress quite a lot, even if the job is not what you really want and you'll still need benefits as well.

The accumulating cost of a lawyer makes me nervous on your behalf, especially as it's unlikely that their efforts will make much difference if your ex-husband-to-be has settled on being an asshole. I'd consider trying to find cheaper options.

All the best! You'll get sorted somehow.

You will need to get a job OP - in order to continue receiving benefits. Once the youngest is goes to high school, you will be expected to work 35 hours a week.

Make sure all your finances are separate, you don't want him getting you into debt. X

But for now, I'm just depending on him financially

You can’t; this is unrealistic. He is not going to support you financially. You might get some child support, but if he’s not working paye, you probably won’t. It probably won’t be much even if he does.

You need to get a job to support yourself

Sorry your in this situation op but relying on someone financially who obviously will go to any length to screw you over is not realistic. You need to sort a job not just for you but your son. At 9 years old he already knows your in a financially dire situation, you need to protect him from the stresses of adult life hes already trying to figure out his new family situation which is tough enough for a child.

And yes you ex should be a better person and provide money but he sounds like something that crawled out of a sewer. The only way you can truly be free is to support yourself and show your kids what a good parent does.