I'm so confused about how I'm feeling about my marriage. We've had a lot of problems and I know that some of my behaviour now is unacceptable but I don't know how much so, and whether I'm 'in the wrong', as it were. This is really long but there's a lot to unpick and I don't want to drip feed
I've been married for 9 years, together for about 15. We're both women, just to clear up any pronoun confusion. DW has children who were small when we got together and I was a very hands on step mum, doing all the school runs and the majority of househould stuff while DW worked (I worked too but my hours fitted around the children better). They are adults/young adults now, working and one in college with p/t job. We now have children that I've given birth to but who are both ours. I am now a SAHM to them, and do pretty much everything around the house and all of the child-related stuff, but I also pay just under half the bills and anything my children need as I have a couple of income streams. I have about £50 spending money a month for myself after this, DW has about £1000 after her share of bills. She sees this as fair, as she works hard for it. I don't, but I'd rather this than go to work just yet as my youngest is still very small.
When my eldest was about 2 (3 years ago), I began to get very suspcious about her behaviour, she was hiding letters and generally lying a lot. I went on her phone and looked through everything I could. I found that she had hidden debt (approx 3k) which she said she'd had to take out to help one of the DSC. But I also found really explicit messages to someone online and they were planning to meet. She swore it was a blip, she had recently been diagnosed with depression, and it would never happen again.
The next year I became suspicious of how she was acting while texting a friend (we'll call her Jane as she makes a later reappearance), so again I looked, but she'd deleted all the messages except one which said 'Certain is getting suspicious so we need to stop this'. She said it was nothing and she'd only deleted the messages as Jane was having mental health issues and it was private and Jane would be upset if I knew about it. I always had suspicions there was more to it, but she promised to never contact Jane again.
Throughout all this, we've had a lot of arguments about her drinking. We both used to enjoy a drink, probably 3 nights a week, one night quite heavy and we'd take it in turns to get up and see to her children in the morning while the other got a lie in, on that one heavy night. After I had my children I EBFed so I didn't drink much at all for a long time, and I had to do all the early mornings with the baby anyway. DW started drinking more and more heavily, tied to her depression (she's on antidepressants for it) and sometimes she's tried stopping but it's never worked. Recently she was up to about 100 units a week and I told her enough was enough and that my eldest is old enough to see now when she's hungover and I'm not prepared to live like this. So she has cut right down. She said she wanted one night a week, so she does drink about 25 units in one night, and is a wreck the next day but I'm tolerating it because it's better than previously and she reckons most people have one good session a week. Also, in fairness, she did drink more than this when we got together so I accepted that then.
She's been hiding all her letters lately and we have separate private bank accounts, so I wondered if something was up. I have found her letters, and from the ones she has opened, I think she's in at least £10k debt, spread over multiple loans. She's in arrears to many of them. To find out more, I went on her phone again. I didn't find any more debt info but I found out that on a night out recently, she kissed someone. I know this because she messaged Jane about it (who she swore she'd never message again) and they were laughing and Jane said 'is she a better kisser than me?', so that confirms something happened with Jane.
You're probably reading this thinking, well what are you still with her for? Splitting up would be difficult, I'd likely never get on the property ladder again, unless I moved near to my parents, taking my eldest out of school (they're in Y1 but is a very anxious child and I think it would affect them a lot). I know that this isn't fully reason to stay, but I'm really scared to make the break and take either of these options.
But also, when she knew I'd been on her phone the first two times, she said I was at least as in the wrong as her, as it is morally wrong. If I challenge her again, either about the debt or the kissing, she'll turn it all around on me. If she's angry and gets drunk, she gets really spiteful and sends me horrible messages. She suspects I've been through her phone because - I know I'm in the wrong now - I keep looking and she's told a friend that she thinks I have and she's told them that I snoop all the time, and that I'm a bit crazy because I'm paranoid that she's lying to me, and that I accused her of getting off with Jane. The friend said that I'm abusive by invading her privacy and that I'm controlling by looking through her private letters. She also said one drunken snog doesn't count. Both the friend and Jane are encouraging her to leave me because I'm treating her like shit. She is lording it to them like I am all at fault, saying looking at my phone is a moral line she'd never cross. At no point has she mentioned the heavy drinking, or lying in bed hungover all day (she gets up at 2pm after a drinking session), or the fact that she keeps all the spare money to herself. Looking at the debts I think she must be paying massive monthly sums and that's where all the monthly spends are going now.
I don't even know what I think now. She will say I'm in the wrong for looking at her messages. I think what confuses and infuriates me the most is the very one-sided view she's giving to her friends. It incenses me. I feel like messaging them and telling them my side of it. Even though I don't know them and I should concentrate on making things right for my own life and not worrying about what they think of me, or trying to change that. This is where I think I have control issues as I'm almost more pissed off about the half truths she's giving to her friends about me, than what she's done with the debts and infidelity.
If I try to leave, it's going to blow up and be awful, because she's just going to make me be the bad guy for looking at her stuff. And I feel sick at having to make the decision between staying down here for the sake of my child's school and friends, or moving miles away, but nearer to my parents. And also, if I stay near here, I don't want to share my children. I don't want them staying with her EOW. I don't know whether to just keep quiet about it all so I don't have to deal with the EOW. My eldest would find that difficult as she hates it when DW tries to settle her in the night instead of me, so she'd hate to be with DW for a weekend without me. She's very much attached to me and not DW, because of DW's lack of attempt to bond when younger. I don't know if I could argue that overnight stays are not happening unless my eldest said she wanted to.