If you had a narcissistic parent what was your childhood like?

[Chippingbird23]

I have fortunately not had that experience but my ex mother is and he has many traits of her. All her other grown children used to say something was wrong with her and she was just a nightmare mentally abusive.

Sadly my ex is like her and I have kids with him and they spend time with her and him. She doesn’t see her other grandkids as they have cut contact I believe it’s no contact at all now but they all tried low contact.

Does having a narcissistic parent affect you that badly that you have to go no contact to have normality?

Sorry meant ex mother in law not mother

Awful she has never said anything nice to me I realised there was something wrong when I was 11 when I discovered what the silent treatment was have been keeping my distance for 39 years she has never noticed or realised anything was wrong !

My thoughts and feelings never being considered. Everything was all about her.

I felt unloved, unimportant and with no support. I felt like I was the parent with a tantruming toddler that always wanted their own way.

I wanted peace and quiet but the star of the show would be forever having a diva moment or starting some drama.

It was lonely.

I was fed and clean and cared for on a practical level but completely neglected on an emotional level.

She often treated me as her free counsellor almost, even as a young child.

When she found out I was getting divorced she gave me no emotional support at all, but stormed out of my house in a strop. Afterwards she complained the way I told her was thoughtless and I should have thought about how it would affect her

I’m not no contact but I don’t talk to her about anything real or ever expect anything nurturing or supportive.

She is actually an okay grandma I think; she doesn’t have any friends really so will take a child if she wants company to go somewhere. Only one at a time mind, as “I don’t enjoy it” if more than one, so she will not babysit, it’s on her terms.

Stressful and anxiety inducing. Everything was all about my mother all the time. Like someone upthread said, physically well cared for, but badly emotionally neglected. She ruined two graduations, made my birthday parties about her, sulked her way through my wedding and showed up late and generally takes any opportunity to ruin things or put me down.

I live 3000 miles away and am very low contact now. It's better. I just make sure to GreyRock all our conversations and give her very little to work with.

You constantly are treading on eggshells as you don't know what mood they will be in, whether that was caused by you or not. Silent treatment. Chores if she was in a bad mood or as punishment. Not allowed an opinion. If asked to do something as was met with a No, that was it, never an explanation to why. Then when she was in a good mood expecting everything to be ok and want hugs, that never felt loving or natural. Never said sorry. But was a Jekyll and Hyde as outside of the house was nice to others. As an adult she expected loving family visits. But I felt them to be duty visits. Also that her opinion was still the rule and not happy if went a different route. With grandkids she expected too much input still. I had a realisation that she was never going to be happy with what I did to try to please her so decided at least one of us should be happy and gave up with her. That was nearly 10 years ago.

Awful. I went no contact 20 years ago and I'm about to have yet more therapy about my childhood.
The biggest compliment DD ever paid me was when she was a teenager and she said her parents and homelife was soooooo boring. That to me, meant job well done

@Tiari She will realise it when she gets to her late 20s, maybe sooner :)

Much the same as @Frazzledazzles. Only difference in my story is that I've not had children of my own - after my childhood I definitely never wanted any. Of course that's pissed my mother off because she's the only one of her (limited) friends that isn't a grandmother.

I've been LC with her over 25 years now, not seen her in 11, I deliberately live on the other side of the world.

All the above with violence everyday. Normally because she couldn't find her car keys. Hideously manipulative and destructive. I've been diagnosed with major ptsd, but most people I know think I'm fine.

I have one great parent who brought me up but the other, I wasn't seen as a person with feelings. Emotionally abused and manipulated over and over. Berated, bullied. Never received any praise, kind words, shown any care or love. Witnessed violence towards the other parent. Every single encounter was negative, aggressive. There was always an ulterior motive for engaging with me. I had no confidence. Both were ripped apart. The parent has never acknowledged any wrong doing. They feel like the world owes them something and that they're a victim.

I could write a book about this.

Sabotaging anything good in my life. Sucking all joy out of everything.

I was never allowed an opinion about anything.

Getting shit for anything I said, thought, dreamed, did, didn't do.

I gave up trying to make friends after every friendship I ever made ended after Mum would question them about me, What we had been doing, etc

Constantly told I didn't need friends, That your mum is the only friend you ever need in this Life.

She set up a videocamera (Yes I'm old lol) in my room, Which would be moved around the house to whatever room I was in, So she knew what me and my cousins were talking about when they came over for the day, Then use anything and everything against me later when they left. I had no idea about this, I found out when I found the camera and played one of the tapes, It had been going on for years. I have major trust issues now in adulthood. I'm still wary in my 40s about being secretly recorded. Been known to check my house for cameras even though I know its silly.

Always believed everyone but me, Someone I had never met could literally knock at our door and say 'I saw your daughter doing something bad in town' and they would be believed instantly with no discusion with me.

I often got punished for something someone else did/said/thought

Things/family members used as a tool against me, 'If you don't do this you will never see your grandparents again' 'You have been so bad that if your Grandad found out, It would probably kill him, You won't be welcome at his funeral after you have killed him'

Would pick me up from secondary school and take me there everyday so she knew I wasn't talking to anyone, We lived a four minute walk away.

Manipulation, Silent treatment, passive aggressive comments, mind games, Walking on eggshells, Drama, Like living with a tantruming toddler 24/7, Straight up backing me into a wall and screaming in my face to get me to back down.

Constantly told I'm wrong, If I would only do it her way everything would be ok.

When I moved in with my first boyfriend at 22 she would call him at work questioning him about what his intentions were with me, Where was it going, trying to get him to split up with me, Tracked his parents number down and called them, when she got nowhere with that she threated to smash his windows. The calls to his work got so frequent his boss had to step in and threaten her with the police if she didn't stop it.

I ran away at 11, Tried to end it all three times by the time I was 12, My earliest memories are lying in my bed at night crying and begging for someone to come and rescue me. I left home at 15.

The irony is, Everyone who came to our house etc always said how much of a laugh my mum is and how nice she is, How lucky I was to have a mum like that. I know not many people will understand this, And believe me I have felt horrible for years about it, But I can't wait until she dies. She has made my entire life a misery from start to finish and I hate everything about her. I refuse to see her as a mother, I don't know why she had me in the first place, I wish she hadn't.

These stories really so sad and upsetting for me as it’s massive abuse yet so hard to prove right.

As I can’t do anything to protect my children as both ex and his mum are similar to what has been said on here! Outsiders think they are wonderful and they even write themselves newspaper columns happy birthday best mum from family members so they can be seen as amazing ! And professionals can’t see it, have every material thing and looked after practically but emotionally the mother of my ex is so bad all her other kids left to various corners of the earth except my ex who sees no wrong in her. I can only be there when my kids starts seeing through it.

@jadpnh Sabotaging anything good in my life. Sucking all joy out of everything.

You hit the nail on the head there. Just never capable of being happy for me, or happy that I had nice things. Constantly demanding bonkers levels of perfection, and yet also sabotaging me at every step.

I remember when I passed my finals at Oxford with a 2:1 and came to tell her, and she didn't even look up and said '"Oh, so you didn't fail then". Then went out of her way to wreck my graduation and refused to celebrate it.

Sounds familiar .. sending love & light