Why do I attract narcissists? Why are there so many?

[Lovemusic33]

I’ve been dating on and off for 5+ years after leaving dh, I’ve probably been on over 100 dates and had several short relationships, I would like to think I can spot a liar and spot a narcissist but I’m just shocked at how many men are narcissists and it’s put me off getting into anything serious.

So I’ve been on a few dates with this guy, a few alarm bells were ringing pretty early on but I was hoping it was just me being so messed up from previous relationships, he told me he was lodging with someone but after chatting for a while my senses told me he was living with his wife, so I gave him many chances to tell me, asking sill questions about his house mate/landlady etc… but this morning I thought “fuck it” so I asked him outright and yes he’s living with his wife, so I said “I’m out, not for me etc…” and he comes back with some sob story about his mental health and tries to turn things around on me saying that he had never lied by not telling me he was living with his wife. Obviously I have not replied, he’s not worth my time, I had only been on 3 dates with him.

My senses tell me he’s a narcissist and I don’t think I’m wrong? The trying to turn it around on me, the “poor me, I have mental health issues” line as well as others.

Why do men do this, why are there so many narcissists or do I just attract this type of people?

I’m a very independent person and would like to think that I am strong and have grown a back bone but I feel disappointed that I can’t seem to meet anyone that’s genuine.

I don't think what you've described is necessarily narcissism. Narcissism is a clinical condition that's bandied around a bit too frequently.

He certainly sounds like someone to be avoided though. He's cheating on his wife and lying about it. Did you meet him online? Unfortunately online dating sites seem to be full of men who are just looking for sex.

I don't think it's anything about you, you sound like you can spot the signs and you've got clear boundaries on what's acceptable to you. It's just the nature of dating sites nowadays.

He says he’s not in a relationship with his wife, says he had moved out (which is a lie), lost his job due to mental health so had to move back in with her. He had a child with this woman when he was 15 so they had been together a long time (he’s 41).

I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship, just someone to spend time with and have sex with but obviously not someone who lives with their wife and not someone who lies. His lies were not even good one 🤣.

I met him online and he had plenty of chances to tell me he was living with his wife.

The alarm bells (red flags) were he slagged off his ex and the last person he dated, the last person he dated wanted him to move in with her but he didn’t want too, probably because he’s happy living with his ex wife. He said his wife had cheated on him several times which is why they split.

Narcissist are not fussy. There are a lot around.
Everyone attracts narcissists but the trick is to find out what they are early on and bolt. Practice makes perfect.

People will tell you shit about your boundaries needing shoring up but the truth is that many narcissists can undermine any persons boundaries without them even realising.

Knowledge is power.
You will always attract them but if you suss them out fast then you can be rid before they sink their teeth in.

Kudos on not taking any shit on that last one!

OP you seem a bit naive. People lie to get what they want if they're not very nice people. There are a lot of men on online dating who are not single and just want to get laid. You're not attracting these people, they are chancers and they chance it with anyone. If you're difficult, they'll usually cut and run.

Online dating is a numbers game and it sounds like you are doing everything right here. You need to dump and run at the first red flag. It becomes exhausting after a while though, so give yourself a break and don't make it your sole option. What I mean by that is (once things open up) get out there, do night classes or a sport or get out and about as much as you can in order to meet new people. You never know how you'll meet someone but online dating can get very dispiriting and can lower your self esteem quite quickly if you're not careful.

I think there are two issues here:

Everyone 'attracts' these sort of people, some bin immediately, some linger longer possibly because they have weaker boundaries and are more forgiving, some end up in long term relationships because of low self esteem, childhood experiences and having a very low bar. The fact that you recognised and got rid is to your credit.

Secondly, as you get older the pool of suitable mates becomes smaller. The dicks are proportionately more abundant because of their previous failures and inability to sustain long term relationships unless they pull someone codependent and willing to put up with them.

However, I am not saying all the good men are gone. I found one in my fifties. Timing and persistence is key.

My DP was sharing a house with his ex wife to be when I met him. Could have been a red flag but he was insistent on showing me the divorce papers so could have gone either way. However, he was open and honest about everything from the get go.

Not every run of the mill asshole is a "narcissist". There's an epidemic of labelling going on at the moment. You're meeting "loads" because you are labelling loads.

rosabug has it spot on. Applying clinical labels to normal (albeit crap) human behaviour is not helpful.

What @rosabug said!

I keep attracting them as friends and I don't know how to fix it.

Following with interest.

Everyone attracts assholes @Lovemusic33. Your problem is probably that you keep them and don’t trust your own judgment when you sense something is off. Why do you give him so many chances to tell you rather than ask straight? Why do you listen to his sob story? Why do you not stop engaging with him as soon as you hear he was married?

Trust your judgement and don’t be “nice”.

We are all narcissistic to some extent and it exists on a spectrum. As adults mature they tend to grow out of the more extreme versions like toddler tantrums but there will always be people who are more selfish than others, lacking in empathy and perhaps that is what the Op means.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a specific clinical diagnosis. Ingrained behaviour that doesn't change or improve overtime.

Perhaps a better way to describe selfish men is 'narcissistic' rather than 'narcissists'.

and he comes back with some sob story about his mental health and tries to turn things around on me

Abusive men do that when they don't get what they want, you call them out on their crappy behaviour and then make you feel guilty because they refuse to be accountable for it.

Your instincts kicked him and you got out before he was able to do further damage. His ego is bruised and he's trying to project that shame onto you, but that's not your problem.

There will be others like this who will try the same shit with you but luckily you know when to shut them down. Block him and do not give him any more head space.

I don’t think I’m naive 😬 but I do think I need to trust my own judgement rather than giving people a longer chance. I know women are quick to label men as narcissists but for me a narcissist is someone who lies and then tries and make out it was caused by you or that your the crazy one. He actually tried to tell me that he had already told me he was living with her and thought I was ok with it, he hadn’t told me, he told me he was lodging with a friend. He’s very much still married and has no intention on getting divorced. I questioned him a few days ago when he said it was his turn to cook and he told me that him and his house mate/landlady take it turns, he’s never said it’s his wife but was pretty obvious due to the fact he described it like he had lived there for a very long time (he has only been single a year).

Anyway, I’m not going to give him any more head space, it’s no great loss, he didn’t have that much going for him anyway.

More frustrated that most men seem to be similar and it’s hard to find a good one.