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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Really beginning to wonder if dating is worth the headspace!

21 replies

bathsh3ba · 10/06/2021 09:47

A few dates/weeks in with a new guy. Contact has been pretty frequent; he's given me no real cause to think he'll ghost me or disappear, but I still start worrying if it goes too long between texts and can't seem to stop myself. Last night for the first time he didn't text goodnight but I know why, it's because he had a situation going on with his teenage daughter who lives with him. This morning he has sent a quick text saying things still tense and not sure if he can meet up as we planned at the weekend (as he can't trust his daughter to be home alone after the incident). I sent a text back saying no problem and am happy to be a sounding board if he needs it. He has seen it and no reply and here I am worrying again. (I won't text again.) Why do I do this to myself?!

OP posts:

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 10/06/2021 10:05

How old is his daughter and what exactly is the "situation" thats going on?

It sounds like he's made other plans for the week-end if i'm honest. Does his facebook page say he's single?

bangheadhere40 · 10/06/2021 10:16

I also find it a lot less stressful not bothering

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 10/06/2021 10:16

His daughter is a young teen and self-harmed. I really don't think he would lie about that - and if he did then I'm definitely better off out. Facebook doesn't show status but no indication on any social media that he has lied to me about his situation. We aren't Facebook 'friends' yet so I can only see limited info.

I'm not really even that bothered if he does have other plans, or if things don't work out. I just hate the whole waiting for the next text thing and wonder why I do it to myself!

OP posts:

seensome · 10/06/2021 10:16

He can't trust his teen even for a few hours at the weekend? but he was able to before, I think he's probably made other plans tbh even if it's true, it's too much drama to deal with this early on, assuming you're not exclusive this early on, keep your options open to date someone else at the weekend.

seensome · 10/06/2021 10:18

Sorry cross post, if that is the case, it's sad but you don't need to hang on waiting for him, maybe it's not the best time for him to be dating at all.

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 10/06/2021 10:21

We're not exclusive per se, though he suspended his profile when we met (and it's still suspended) but there's no-one else on the scene I'm interested in. It's just annoying because I've been single a very long time, I very rarely meet anyone I'm interested in who is also interested in me and I was just starting to think it was nice to have hugs/kisses etc again (we haven't had sex). But not sure I like the person dating seems to turn me into!

OP posts:

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 10/06/2021 10:22

Whats his plan then? To stick to his DD like glue to make sure she doesn't self harm? How will he manage to work?

Also, how come you're not facebook friends? Where did you meet him?

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 10/06/2021 10:27

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe, I don't know - it's his decision, isn't it? Nothing to do with me. I have kids of a similar age and if my daughter self-harmed tonight, I can't see that I would go on a date this weekend, so I don't think it automatically makes his behaviour questionable. He's not said we can't meet this weekend, or that he doesn't want to meet again, just that he's not sure he can this weekend. And he's then not been online again since he sent this (around 8am).

I wouldn't expect to be Facebook friends just a few weeks in. We met online, his profile is suspended currently as it has been since our first date, since he says he doesn't date more than one person at once. (I'm aware that could just be a line but his profile is still suspended and I don't really want to live in a state of constant distrust, or what's the point?).

OP posts:

Sakurami · 10/06/2021 10:38

If my child was self harming no way would I leave her alone at the weekend! I would also be busy talking to family and professionals to try and get advice.

wobblywinelover · 10/06/2021 10:43

Hi OP I can relate to what you've been saying, it's like waiting for the shoe to drop isn't it with some of these guys. It used to give me massive anxiety so i've given up dating for good now. It's just no longer enjoyable. One bad experience after another...

Anyway, if I were in your situation, I would make other plans for the weekend for yourself and then tell him you're not available if he changes his mind. You are completely entitled to do that. Otherwise he'll probably take you for granted or think that you are too available or something. The best thing to do is focus on making yourself happy, then if things go pear shaped with him at least the rest of your life will be in order.. He may be genuine or he may not, the only way to tell is time and counting those red flags (which is not enjoyable I know, but necessary nowadays unfortunately). Good luck

Mabelone · 10/06/2021 10:44

If I had a daughter who was self harming, I wouldn’t be dating at all to be honest, particularly when things are at an early stage. His reason may be real. Maybe give him the out and take a breather from it. You need to try to understand why you feel the way you do though. It’s not healthy to be wondering when someone is going to text etc

premium77 · 10/06/2021 10:44

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe what on Earth? He absolutely should be monitoring his daughter closely over the next couple of days, the days following are when they are most like to re-harm because of feelings of shame.

Also most people don’t make Facebook friends with people they’re dating until it’s official.

RantyAnty · 10/06/2021 10:53

I don't think it's worth it but that's just me.

I wouldn't put so much into it as in not texting every day.
Make alternate plans for the weekend.
Keep talking to other guys.

Mermaidwaves · 10/06/2021 11:14

I found dating made me like this, anxious and distrustful. I was always waiting for them to drop me....because they always did! I would find the texting would slow down, the chats become more brief, then the fade out and cancellation of a second date, always due to a family crisis. It's hard to be positive because it happened so often.

This guy may be genuine but keep your guard up, a lot of them seem very plausible. It's always a family crisis or sick relative I find so you can't question anything without sounding completely insensitive and selfish.

Good luck OP.

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 10/06/2021 11:27

Well, he's still not been online today (on WhatsApp, that is); but he will be working of course. I guess I'll just see if he says anything later today, and if he doesn't, I'll assume that for whatever reason it's not worked out.

OP posts:

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 10/06/2021 11:27

Since 8ish, I mean.

OP posts:

copperpotsalot · 10/06/2021 11:33

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Whats his plan then? To stick to his DD like glue to make sure she doesn't self harm? How will he manage to work?

Also, how come you're not facebook friends? Where did you meet him?

Having experienced this, yes. In the aftermath of self harm you do literally stick to them like glue. Think about how you'd protect your kid from a murderer who was in your home.... you'd not leave the house would you? I had to leave my career and stop dating.

I think you need to take this at face value and not write this guy off because of something out of his control. Is he sole parent? If things don't improve you may both need to park this and prioritise the child but it's very raw for him. See what happens in the coming weeks

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 10/06/2021 11:37

He's not the sole parent but I have been told she is living with him at the moment due to difficulties in the relationship between the daughter and her mum. There is another, younger daughter still living with the mum and staying every other weekend.

It's been complicated arranging dates as I also have my 2 daughters 100% of the time and all our children are under 14, so not able to be left for long periods. But we've managed it by meeting halfway between us and limiting the time of the date, plus a couple of daytime dates during school hours.

OP posts:

SpringlikeBunk · 10/06/2021 11:43

Maybe chat to other guys?

Intuitively I’ve always been a bit cynical about multiple dating (rather have third date with someone I know than a first date)

But I think having a few possible prospects (even if just light chatting etc) keeps from getting over invested too early.

In early days there’s so many potential barriers to getting to a solid relationship (logistics/childcare/etc) that just “both liking each other” isn’t enough!

PatsyClinSilVousPlait · 10/06/2021 12:21

Be kind to yourself (and this guy). A really delicate and difficult situation.

I'd take him at face value and not be reaching for passive-aggressive games like pretending to be unavailable, going through the motions of speaking to other people you aren't interested in, or the nuclear option of ending a potentially promising start.

When things have settled down, speak to him about your anxieties around texting/contact/details. How he responds will be a good insight into whether he's a decent match.

Good luck.

friendlyflicka · 10/06/2021 17:29

It is impossible for you to guess what is going on with him. I think you need to look at yourself. If you have to keep looking and seeing when he is online etc and feeling so up and down about everything then I don't think you are secure enough to do this at the moment.

Unless that is, you are a confident person who is being made anxious by some manner of his in this relationship. I would not think anything you have described makes him sound like a liar. And no way would I go out with a parent who just wanted to desert a self harming and upset teenager.

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