I wish they'd stop doing this

[Juststopasking]

My parents are continually dropping hints about wanting more grandkids.

I have twins, and i developed ptsd, anxiety and depression after a very traumatic birth. I struggle with these illnesses every day. I count my lucky stars every day that all three of us are still here. But all anyone ever wants to ask me if when I'm having another one. My SIL and BIL, and work colleagues do it too. I got a big promotion at work and i phoned my parents to tell them and the first thing they asked was if I'm pregnant. No I'm not fucking pregnant. Totally sapped all my excitement about this promotion which I've worked really hard for. It feels like my only worth is in producing children. Nothing else i do will ever match up to the "achievement" of children and yet the children i do have aren't enough for them - what could they possibly get from more grandchildren that they don't get from the ones they already have?

They know what we went through but they don't know about the ptsd - they know about my anxiety and depression though. They think ptsd is something that only soldiers get. Every time they (or anyone else) asks about having more kids, it triggers me. I've had a ton of therapy but I'll never get over it. If i hadn't had such a hard time, there's a strong possibility i might have had another child, i always wanted three but because of my experience i know i can't risk another, even walking into the hospital recently for another reason caused panic attacks. I've told them in the strongest possible terms I'm not having any more but it still doesn't stop them mentioning it on a regular basis.

It's not like they even give us huge amounts of help either, or spend much time with them. They see them once a month maybe, and we very rarely leave them, we are almost always there too. Other than that it's just me and dh looking after them, day in and day out. Dh and i have accepted we aren't having any more, so why can't they?

Sorry op that sucks. They're boring people and want you to provide their latest entertainment.
Most people know how rude it is to ask about others' reproductive choices so work colleagues should be manageable.

Can you cool off a bit and see your parents a bit less until they get the message?

A family with twins sounds lovely. Sorry for your experiences.

Tell them you've had your tubes tied? It's not like they'll ask again after that.

I hate being asked too op. I've known since I was a kid that I didnt want any. I've also told my parents since then but they kept making commented so just a few years back I had to sit them down and have a serious chat about it. Which was followed up with my dad going 'but...I want grandkids' (*facepalm).

But they seem to have stopped asking...for now.

Christ, you aren't some kind of broodmare. You have got 2 children too- a perfectly normal amount.

Tell them to stop asking- be blunt.

Hang up every time...
Rinse and repeat...

You need to tell them that there will be no more. That asking is causing stress and they need to stop…. Now. You finished your family in a most efficient manner.

Tell them straight, and don't take on any conversation about it.

My parents are always going on at me about how they wished they had grandkids. I cannot physically give them any so it really fucking hurts.

Have you told them how their questions make you feel? If you have and they have ignored you then time for lc or nc. If you haven't then you need to.

You live in your world and they live in theirs. Unless you tell them point blank how you feel then you are asking them to be mind readers.

@Newcastleteacake

Have you told them how their questions make you feel? If you have and they have ignored you then time for lc or nc. If you haven't then you need to.

You live in your world and they live in theirs. Unless you tell them point blank how you feel then you are asking them to be mind readers.

You really don’t need to be a mind reader to realise that badgering someone (1) you know had a traumatic birth and (2) who suffers from anxiety and depression — which the family also know about — about having a third child is at the very least insensitive.

Have you looked at EDMR therapy for your PTSD?

"If you wanted more grandchildren you should have had more children. Its not up to me to make up the numbers so please drop it!"

Ok… How about this…
“We need to have a very serious talk about boundaries. I want you to listen VERY carefully. When I had the twins, I had a lot of physical damage from the birth that took a long time to recover from. While that’s done, the psychological trauma of that experience is not something that I am willing to put myself or my DH through again. We have two beautiful, healthy kids and you are just going to have to be happy with them. Don’t ask me anymore. It hurts every time.”

Asking anyone, under any circumstances, if / when they are going to have a / another baby is extremely rude and intrusive.

It’s like asking “ When are you going to lose weight / have your teeth fixed / get a proper job/ dump your partner ? “.

It implies that

1. There is something wrong with the person / family the way they are
2. The questioner has the correct solution
3. It’s any of their business

@Juststopasking you need to tell them to stop asking you or even mentioning it indirectly, you find it upsetting and if they won’t stop you will need to see less of them.

Then follow up on what you said. If they say it on the phone then say

“ I asked you not to raise that subject with me, I find it upsetting so I need to go now, bye “.

And hang up the phone before they have the chance to say

“ Oh i didn’t mean anything , I was just saying how lucky Colin and Mary are to have 8 grandchildren whereas we only have 2”.

Do the same if you are visiting them. Be polite but firm.

You’ve tried words and it didn’t work. Now you need actions.

@frogcorset I know what you mean and agree 100%. But unfortunately have also realised through experience that there are some people that need to be told directly and clearly what is acceptable and what is not. So was just trying to ascertain where OP was in that scenario.

@R0SEMARY has excellent advice.

Thank you. I have told them to stop, very very plainly and have told them they're welcome to have more children themselves if they want more children around. I might tell them DH had the snip. I have had EMDR, it helped massively but the problem persists.

"We are incredibly grateful and lucky to have X and Y. There are serious medical reasons why more children will not be happening for us, which I am not going to discuss with you.

I have asked you not to bring this up and you continue to hurt me by doing so. From now on if you bring up the topic, I will walk away or hang up on you"