Sorry this is very long and rambling. Anyone who makes to the end I wish I could send you a shot of tequila or something!
I have been with my partner for 6 years now. The first year was amazing I felt like I had finally found the person I was meant to be with for the rest of my life . We had the same interests and I felt like the world was our oyster - we could do anything anything together. Things started to change about a year in when he got depressed at work and completely shut off from me for months. I took this really hard because I’ve had a difficult upbringing and am not close to my family and can easily feel lonely. I also suffered with OCD and it exasperated this greatly and I would sometimes start fights out of desperation because I didn’t know what else to do to make him understand (not his fault btw but just so you understand how low I felt). I was so in love and completely happy with him and all and it came crashing down around me and I didn’t know why or what I had done. He only told me it was to do with work much later in our relationship so for a long time I was left feeling alone and unloved and thought it was my fault. I reached out to him and spoke to him on numerous occasions but nothing helped. During this time he proposed to me and then took it back because he didn’t want to tell his family and said didn’t really want to get married because he didn’t have faith in our relationship (we were arguing a lot at the time) I couldn’t believe he would do this to me and even 4 years I still feel the pain from this. I tried everything to get the relationship back on track because I really love him but he gave me nothing in return. It was like throwing all your resources (emotional, financial, time, effort) into a black hole that just keeps taking. Sometimes I would get really angry and frustrated and pick fights about it. He never has my back with friends if there is any disagreement he takes their side even one night when his friend was drunk and verbally abusive to me and really scared me - he said he wouldn’t discuss it with me and text his friend about the football the next day like nothing was wrong. I didn’t leave because I felt like I didn’t have anywhere to go and also thought it was my fault and I could fix it if I did or said the right things and it could be as amazing as it was before. Essentially I lived for the past. He knew that all this hurt me as I told him often. He then agreed to be engaged to me and told his family after his sister got engaged which prompted me to ask him what was happening with our engagement. He did tell me he would buy me a ring and took a credit card out to do so but spent all the money on other things and never bought me a ring and just didn’t mention it for months until I asked what was a happening with it. During this time I did a lot of work on myself, went to therapy and overcame my OCD, got a life coach to help me in my personal life, tried really hard and developed at work, got a degree. It was all aimed at improving our life together and me being a better person. I paid the deposit for our first house which is one that needed work done to it and we agreed we would do it together, I imagined us painting together and having fun with it, but he completely shut down again and left me with everything. The house was a mess, lots of things needed sorting out and I became so overwhelmed and embarrassed, I told him repeatedly but he just said he was too scared by it to help out, and when he did help out he was in such a bad mood it was intolerable so I just gave up on doing things in the house. I became really quite depressed by this. Fast forward a year or so I got a better job and started to be able to pay for some things to be done in the house and to buy us a holiday, I bought him what he wanted like shoes, laptops and things. He doesn’t have any spare income because he doesn’t put the work in to look fo a better job even though he has the qualifications/experience to do so (I understand that this is his choice to not get a new job but he always tells me he is going to and how miserable he is where he works, but he doesn’t or he fills in an application form and then goes in a bad mood for the rest of the night because he’s had to do something. If he gets an interview he doesn’t do prep and just winging it turning up late etc.) so I pay for everything, at some points working 4 jobs, I plan most things, I’m the only one who can drive so I have to pick him up from work, do the shopping, drive us for holidays, I deal with all life admin/wedding things/ family things etc. I realised that I felt (rightly or wrongly) taken advantage of a lot of the time and had conversations around this and breaking up. Things would get better for a few weeks but then he would go back to ignoring me or not being present. He’s not present for a lot of things that we do together and I’m always wanting someone to share the moment with (not because I am lonely anymore as I did a lot of work to improve this, but more that I’d just like someone to share things with) I feel that if he thinks I’m in a ‘bad mood’ he will be attentive and as soon as I warm up to him he goes cold so I feel we rarely enjoy something together. He says he knows he takes me for granted. A few weeks ago I found CCJ letters he had either not opened or been hiding from me I and packed my bags. He begged me to stay and I did but the same cycle happened again. I spoke to him again and told him how unhappy I am. He is now acting very nice towards me and is being proactive, doing things in the house without complaint, applying for jobs etc but I don’t think I want it anymore. I feel it could be too little too late. My feelings have finally been warn away. We should be getting married in a few months and I don’t know what to do. I feel now I have done work on myself to be happier I see my worth more and want more and this makes me feel shitty. I think he is a good guy and his heart in the right place most of the time. I feel terrible that now I finally getting what I’ve asked for it makes me feel guilty and like something isn’t right, what should I do? I also think if I hold out maybe things can be better as he does seem interested in changing this time, more so than ever before. Would I be a fool to walk away when things could just about to get better? But also I hope things don’t get better so I have an excuse to walk away and feel confident in my decision without going through the pain again. He says he knows he’s let me down in so many ways and wants to make it up to me but I don’t know if I can open myself up to it again.