DP and drinking. Might be an issue?

[BlindRose]

Arrgh. I think my partner (of nearly 2 years) might have a drink issue...or maybe it is my issue?

Hear me out and then give it to me straight - I've NC for this btw.

We don't live together and it's a long distance relationship. He has always been up front about loving a good drink of beer and enjoying pubs/socialising. All fine, I guess. I'm not a massive drinker, but do enjoy a few when I'm in the mood. I don't drink every weekend either...it's probably once a month at the weekend.

Every year, he does Dry January and announced he was continuing it because it definitely helped with losing weight. He exercises most days as he has a home gym but will never be (in his words) a 'fit bloke' - he has a belly and said he has had it for years because of his love of beer.

Then lockdown restrictions lowered and pubs opened. I've noticed in the past few weeks he has been drinking more or less every night. We don't see each other in the week and message/talk every day and in the past 7 days he hasn't had a day of not drinking. He mentions going out to the pub (he has one next door to where he lives), meeting with his boss for drinks etc. Tonight's excuse is going for a long walk and finding a pub on the way back as a 'reward'. He has mentioned he isn't losing weight anymore and I gently suggested it could be the fact whilst he is doing exercise, having beer every night is just replacing those calories lost in exercise. He just laughed it off and said it was fine, so I left it at that.

I'm starting to feel irritated with it all and every time he mentions drinking or having a 'cheeky beer' it just makes me feel...I dunno...annoyed. He wants us to live together (eventually) and we are both 10 years off retiring. Apart from the beer issue, he's a kind and generous person and we enjoy each other's company. When we have drank/got drunk together, he is fine...never boorish, violent or aggressive. BUT...this drinking every night which has creeped in, is instinctively setting red flags off for me (my ex was a constant drinker and weed smoker).

I thought I had finally met someone compatible and now I'm thinking we might not be. I really don't want to live with someone again who uses drink as a goal/reward all the time. It is making me quite sad now, to be honest. I also feel concerned for his health as his dad died aged 62 with heart issues.

So is it my issue or his...or both. WWYD? Am I being too sensitive due to past experience?

I think "am I being too sensitive?" is code for "should I lower my standards/throw out my own boundaries".

I think you're incompatible.
He enjoys the beer culture, you don't. Regardless of any health issues that brings with it.

Yes, it sounds like he has an alcohol problem.

Perhaps it’s longstanding, and part of the reason why he’s chosen a long distance relationship. Perhaps not and it’s just happened recently.

Even if not an alcohol problem though, he sounds unhealthy, which you might well find unattractive!

To be honest it depends how much he's drinking, it is one pint or several pints a night.

I would end the relationship because of this and no you are not too sensitive either. What does this mean in this context anyway?.

He sounds not too dissimilar to your ex either. Again alcohol is a factor with this man as it was with your ex.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up? Are you actually codependent in relationships?. You cannot save or rescue him but you can certainly help your own self here and your radar has pinged far earlier this time around. Do not ignore or minimise it.

This has been a horribly isolating year for most people. If pubs have re-opened and in the past few weeks he’s been dropping by the pub for a few drinks with friends most days, I definitely wouldn’t say that sounds like he is an alcoholic. Unless he’s also been drinking excessively at home alone all the rest of the time before this.

It sounds like he’s enjoying the nice weather and the chance to see people again. I was holiday last week and Dh and I definitely had several drinks every day for 10 days in a row. It doesn’t mean we have a drinking problem. It sounds like he’s a social drinker, like most of us are.

But I think if this is something that makes you uncomfortable, it’s true that you probably just aren’t compatible.

I Wouldn’t want a 50 year old whom can’t be arsed to look after their own health tbh

I’m currently dealing with the ramifications of somebody drinking their way through middle age and into old age and he’s a total physical and mental wreck.

Get it sorted out and don’t let it slide behind being a Corona blip

It could be the beer hes addicted to or it could be the socialising that comes with it. Now the pubs are open he couldn’t be like a kid in a sweetshop after the enforced loneliness of covid.

You could ask him if he thinks the nhs guidelines on bmi and those on weekly alcohol units are something worth looking at.

If he says na they’re nonsense then that will give you a good idea he’s drinking more/isn’t interested in cutting down. If he says yeah I’ll take a look, I’d follow up with a question about how much have you drunk over the past seven days anyway? And see what he says.

The recommendation is one day off and 14 units a week tops, so that’s a day off and say a pint of regular lager (a pint is just over two units) a day.

If he’s just having one pint with people a few days a week that would be fine. But I’d reckon it will be more like two or three pints per visit because I doubt he has the self control to move to Diet Coke or whatever.

I’ve dated an alcoholic and I’ve a close relative who is one, and one who died because of years of alcohol abuse taking its toll on his body.

I wouldn’t date another one. It’s too stressful turning into ‘a nag’ because you love them and don’t want them to destroy their health. I don’t drink much myself after watching their struggles. I just have the odd one at wedding toasts or new year etc.

He is not the man for you OP. It's crystal clear that he is alcohol dependent. I just don't think that this is what you're looking for in a partner X

How would he react if, when together, you suggested doing something ‘dry’ in the evening?

Don’t live with him, you’ll only be miserable at least now you can go back your own home and not have this at home.

Yes I think a drink problem but as you don't live with him and he's miles away just dump him stop wasting your time x

@mindutopia

This has been a horribly isolating year for most people. If pubs have re-opened and in the past few weeks he’s been dropping by the pub for a few drinks with friends most days, I definitely wouldn’t say that sounds like he is an alcoholic. Unless he’s also been drinking excessively at home alone all the rest of the time before this.

It sounds like he’s enjoying the nice weather and the chance to see people again. I was holiday last week and Dh and I definitely had several drinks every day for 10 days in a row. It doesn’t mean we have a drinking problem. It sounds like he’s a social drinker, like most of us are.

But I think if this is something that makes you uncomfortable, it’s true that you probably just aren’t compatible.

I agree. I don't see that going out for a few drinks now that the pubs are open and its nice weather as someone having a drink problem at all. We've had a crap year as you say and people are enjoying socialising again.

However, if it makes you feel uncomfortable OP then only you an decide if this is something you can live with or not.
It might be a short term thing to enjoy making up for the fact he couldn't socialise in lockdown or it could be his lifestyle - either way if it sin't working for you then you need to realise you're on different pages

His drinking is a problem. He is dependent on alcohol. Stop minimising and denying this. You are not compatible.

Thanks all for your replies.

After I posted last night, he sent me a message to say he was returning home and had stuck to one pint.

He has been to his friend's house tonight for dinner and didn't mention drinking, but I won't be surprised if he has had a drink there.. We are seeing each other at the weekend and I'm going to have to say something.

I totally understand the points raised by some who defend re: isolation this year and if it is just one pint a night etc. I need to have the conversation with him. I don't want to dump him (yet), as some of you have suggested, but I do fear it will come to that.

For some further context, as one responders asked re: relationships. My ex nearly put me off men for life and I had a very fulfilled single life after I recovered from my ex. I met my current partner through friends when I wasn't looking for a relationship and everything felt natural and easy between us. There have been no red flags until now. He is truly a caring and lovely person, so it does make me feel sad that this could spell the end for us. If it ends, I know I'm fine...I don't need a relationship and I'm confident in that respect. I do feel I want to give him a chance (only one!) - @Dozer if I suggested a 'dry' night (pre pubs opening) he would be fine...some nights when we are together we don't drink. Either way, I'm going to be having the conversation with him.

How much is he drinking? I have a couple of glasses of wine most evenings ... if someone told me to 'cut down' I would not be impressed.

I think you sound incompatible in your lifestyles.

I doubt that conversation will go at all well for you.

You sell yourself short if you were to give him a second chance. And why would you want to give him a second chance?.

Talking to him about his drinking is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean.

@Ragwort

How much is he drinking? I have a couple of glasses of wine most evenings ... if someone told me to 'cut down' I would not be impressed.

I think you sound incompatible in your lifestyles.

So, you don't see drinking every night as a problem? What about the health implications of that?

Yes, I guess my DP and I aren't compatible with the fact he drinks more than I do, but that's the only sticking point. For everything else we are on the same page which makes things worse....but I can see this sticking point is going to spell the end.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I doubt that conversation will go at all well for you.

You sell yourself short if you were to give him a second chance. And why would you want to give him a second chance?.

Talking to him about his drinking is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean.

The reason why I want to give him a chance is that he's never been violent or aggressive. He's a very positive person (even when drunk) and we get on in every other respect. I don't think I'm selling myself short by giving him a chance to tackle this issue. Some people do take things on board and make changes.

But I'm also very aware not to get stuck into a trap of "another chance" as I did with my ex.

BlindRose I appreciate I would be 'healthier' if I didn't drink most days ... but that's my decision to make, I enjoy a couple of glasses of wine in the evening, I am mid 60s, no health issues ... my DF is 90 .... always enjoyed a glass or two of wine every day.

People have to make their own choices in life.

I appreciate that it wouldn't work if I was in a relationship with someone who never, or rarely, had a drink ... but in my circle it is perfectly 'normal' to have a couple of glasses of wine or beer most days. I'm not saying that it's good for my health - it probably isn't - but for my over all well being and enjoyment of life I will carry on drinking. .

Does your DP actually get drunk? You haven't said how much he drinks? Getting drunk is completely different from having a couple of drinks ... I would ever get drunk. Obviously I don't drive after having a drink but I would never have so much that I was drunk.

I'm gonna be honest OP I think your previous experience of someone with a drink problem is clouding your judgement here as I see your current BF's situation as being nothing more than someone enjoying being a social drinker and he's making the most of the new found freedoms since restrictions have been lifted.

I think any talk of him being alcohol dependant or having a drink problem just because he enjoys being social and has been getting out and about again over the last few weeks as way over the top if I'm honest

But if this has trigged alarm bells in you because of your past experience, then I understand that it might be something you can't get past

Personally I've always been a sociable person and the lockdowns were a huge struggle for me so at the moment any chance I get to be out socialising again I'm taking. If that means sharing a bottle of wine most nights with a mate then I'll take it. It won't be forever and things will settle down again hopefully

Your comments about giving him a chance to change and tackle the issue I think shows it won't work because why should he change and tackle something that he doesn't see as an issue? You've said he doesn't get drunk aggressive and is always positive. The only issue seems to be that you don't like it - sorry you probably don't want to hear this but he's not done anything wrong and it seems to me that this is all to do with your previous relationship

BlindRose

re your comment:-

"The reason why I want to give him a chance is that he's never been violent or aggressive. He's a very positive person (even when drunk) and we get on in every other respect. I don't think I'm selling myself short by giving him a chance to tackle this issue. Some people do take things on board and make changes".

This is all very well but he will only change if he wants to; you cannot enforce change. Who wants to be around a happy drunk anyway?. They're still drunk and you become guilty by association. You perhaps also gave your ex a lot of chances too, it is all too easy to fall into the same trap.

What is the longest period of time that he has gone without alcohol to your direct knowledge?.

DO not ever live with him.

I think your right to talk to him if its something you have an issue with. I dont see that I can make a judgement whether he does or doesn't have a problem. My DH likes a drink at the pub. Quite often has one on the way home from work in the summer on a nice day - not for the alcohol but for the socal side of talking to people. Sometimes he just has a soft drink. He doesn't drink at home unless we're having a house party. He doesn't drive even when he has one. He also only goes if we have the money to spare..and doesn't once have an issue if I say 'actually can you just come home tonight instead'. I wouldn't say that just going to tjr pub daily = a drinking problem. For a lot of people who live on their own the pub is a social outlet for them. DH and I spend a lot of time together but I don't drink but but relationship works fine nas has done for 15 years so far ill join him for soft drinks at the pub sometimes I think the difference is we talk to each other. If I'm not happy with something I talk to him. He listens. He does the same back. Before I lived with him he was definitely at the pub a lot more its where all his friends go. That's just my input but everything is individual and what works for us doesn't work for everyone.

Talk to him and see where things go, explain your worries and concerns :) that's the best starting point.