Ruining relationship - Debt

[moovinon]

When I met my partner 10 years ago, I was about 2/3 grand in debt. I couldn't get a loan out due to bad credit history and he offered to take out a loan for me. I paid it all off, then a few years later I started going in to my overdraft again. Once I start, it's like I can't stop. A few months in, I was back to 2 grand in debt again. I set up a loan and paid it all off. A year or so down the line, I did the same thing again.

I tried to hide it from my partner as I was embarrassed and clearly have issues with money. I have been paying off the most recent debt for a couple of years and took out a new loan to cover it all to ensure it was paid off within a shorter time period.

My partner has found out and I'm absolutely mortified. He says he is really shocked that I have been so sly as to hide it from him, and he can't believe we have secrets like that. He thought he knew me after so long and we have kids together and yet he doesn't really know me at all etc.

I understand it looks sly, but I was just so embarrassed that I didn't want to tell him. I would have paid it all off without mentioning anything to him, and I also pay halves on mortgage, bills etc so he isn't paying any extra due to me getting in to debt.

I obviously need help with my spending, and I obviously need help in how I can stop this messing up my relationship. I think he might be ready to leave.

He feels really betrayed and as though I have lied. I completely understand the way he feels however it wasn't my intention to "lie" as such. It was something that got a bit out of hand a few years back and I can't imagine it would ever have gone down well, so I never said anything. I just thought well, it will be paid off and he will be none the wiser. But yes, I get that it is deceitful. It's nit something I would leave a partner over myself.

He is also upset as he always thought he could 100% trust me and now feels the trust has gone. In my normal life, I am very honest and open in every single area, but clearly I've made a massive mistake here. He feels like he doesn't know me any more.

I believe there probably is an underlying reason to my spending - I think it is solely down to my upbringing. I had to borrow money to buy my own clothes from about 11. My parents would give me £100 to spend on clothes and then I would pay them back £5 a week out of my pocket money. Being in debt was completely normal for my parents. I always felt like I always had the cheap clothes, I remember trying to sit on my trainers in PE because I was embarrassed for people to see them as they were from Lidl. We didn't have much growing up at all and I think it stems from all of this. I think I got in to a habit of spending all my wages at once and then struggling for the rest of the month. I've always done it and I can't seem to break the habit. I also think myself and my brother were somewhat neglected as children, which may have something to do with it, but that's another story. Maybe counselling is the way forward.

Thank you so much for advising on debt free websites etc where I can hopefully get some help.

Thanks all for being blunt and honest.

@moovinon. I get this OP- i came from a very comfortably off family but my mum was very tight !! (Later learnt she was saving up to separate) so whilst friends had multiple birthday presents , I got one thing- and not annexpensive thing either— I always felt I never had the option for a splurge compared to friends—I know you shouldn’t compare but teens do!

This would be a big issue in a relationship for me. It’s important that we both save/invest for our future. If he were constantly getting into debt, that would affect me too. Do you have any pension/investments for the future?

@FrownedUpon

I have a good pension through work & we have a mortgage etc.

But yes, seems I've made a massive mistake here and most people agree that it's really deceitful. Lesson learnt.

Hey OP - counselling could be seen as an opportunity to dive into the cause of the behaviour plus rebuilding trust. And getting on top of this proactively before it escalates. It's really brave to own this so well done. Now time to work it through.

I know I've already commented, but please give "The Barefoot Investor: The Only Money Guide You'll Ever Need" a go. Friends of mine who have struggled with money (including debt), rave about him.

Just to put a different spin on this, why does your personal debt affect your partner so much, assuming you can still pay your share of the bills / mortgage etc, obviously you have less spending money free until the debt is paid down, why do you think he would leave, seems rather drastic?
Or is more that you didn’t tell you partner?

@YellowMonday Thank you for the recommendation! I have ordered the book along with another one that I'm hoping might help.

@JustAnotherOldMan it was the deceit that made him want to end the relationship. Fortunately he has given me another chance so I will have to sort myself out now!!

Thanks all