Ex DH engaged.

[Nunenco]

Hi all,

Have NC for this.
I separated from DH about 6 years ago. I was suffering from depression at the time of the separation and had been comfort eating for years resulting in being about 5 stone overweight. I think I stayed for as long as I did as I just wasn’t brave enough to go it alone with our two DDs. Ex Dh wasn’t nice to us. He criticised absolutely everything I did, was far too busy with work to spend any time with us as a family and when he was not working he was in the gym. He was notorious for disappearing on long work trips around the school holidays. I still vividly remember how my DD’s and I got stressed most days when he returned home from work wondering what mood he was going to be in. I really didn’t cope in that relationship from as soon as our children were born. My only regret about splitting from him and going it alone with my DDs is that we didn’t separate years earlier.

I’m now in a much better place. I have binned the anti depressants almost immediately when we split, lost the weight and took up open water swimming something I have wanted to do for a long time. I think it’s fair to say that I’m content with life as it is.
Although we split about 6 years ago I’m still in the never again phase as far as relationships are concerned. My DD’s who are now older also have a better relationship with him now. Their relationship improved slowly over the years that we have been separated.

Earlier this week DDs said their father had asked them around for a meal and when they came home they told me that ex DH got engaged to his now GF. I’m absolutely clear in my mind that under no circumstances do I have time for this man in my life but for some reason I’m feeling a tad rattled . And I don’t want to feel like this. I have absolutely no desire to have this man back in my life. We are not in regular contact, all I hear is from my DDs who often report back on his mood swings and how he often reduces the now fiancé to tears. In all fairness I have always considered that to be “not my problem anymore” and don’t pay too much attention about what DDs tell me about him. But this engagement thing somehow hit a nerve. I need to get this out of my system. Pronto. Any pearls of wisdom greatly appreciated. x

I don't think I'm going to be any help but just wanted to assure you that I think what you're feeling is pretty normal, I'm not sure why though.

I wasn't married to him but I felt something similar when my dc dad had a baby with his new partner. Of course I was concerned about how it would affect my dc but if I'm 100pc honest I also felt a strange feeling for myself too.

I'd ended it years before, had never regretted doing so, was happy and didn't want more children but it really bothered me for a while, I've never been able to put my finger on why, it passed and soon enough I went back to never thinking about him (except in a thank God I'm not with him anymore way lol).

What is rattling you, OP? The idea of him moving on (always weird), or the idea of this poor woman having the life you used to have? (I don't even know anyone in this story but it is still quite creepy.)

Creepy? Not looked at it in that way? May I ask what it is that is creepy?

Creepy as in knowing that he was not very nice and reduces her to tears, but she's signing up for more of what you managed to escape.

My exh wasn't unpleasant as such, just naturally selfish and inconsiderate. Before Covid threw a spanner in the works, he had plans to marry a woman who doesn't speak the local language - again: that was me when we first got together, and my experience was lonely and hard work with an unsupportive partner. It creeped me out thinking that this woman, living abroad, had no idea what she was letting herself in for. This sounds a bit similar.

I don't know what pp is talking about being creepy. There's nothing 'creepy' about this?

I honestly feel this is a natural reaction to finding out an ex who you shared a life with and created children together is officially moved on.
It's one thing to to have a bf/gf but when it comes to doing official things in their relationship like you did in yours (i.e getting engaged and planning a future) then it's bound to sting and probably hit a few nerves

There will be more posters along soon to give you better advice, I'm sure of it. I just wanted to give you some support after reading the thread and thinking you are totally 'normal'

I think I would be the same, it certainly felt weird m, annoying even that exh took his partner and her dd on a family orientated holiday recently when he would never go to such places with our kids.

I suspect if you ask my exh he is a bit weirded out by my life too (which tends to be far more get up and go than his!) He certainly was jealous as hell when I flew long haul pre pandemic and dd has recently told him of future plans and he seemed unsettled...

Basically it's normal.

If it's any consolation op I understand exactly what you mean. I'm the same. Separated from my ex. Toxic, abusive relationship but we're together 7 years, and I genuinely thought he was the love of my life until he casually screwed me over one day and I realised everything I thought I knew about him was just a mask. It was obviously not that sudden because looking back I can see the lead up to it all but at the time it was devastating and I don't honestly think I'll ever fully get over the hurt and betrayal.

I don't want him back. I don't regret ending the relationship (although he still owes me £10k which might be why I can't yet get closure)

Yet I know he's moved on to the new version of me, living his best life and it irks me even though I wouldn't touch him with a shitty barge pole.

They've got engaged and I just feel angry and hurt and I can't really put my finger on why exactly. So I really get where you're coming from. It doesn't make sense!

I was reading a bridal mag once, years ago, and came across my ex's wedding pictures. Was very unsettling, I felt as though I was stalking him against my will. I think it's normal to feel odd, nothing you need to do about it though. Just enjoy your life and try and keep your children out of your ex's drama if you can, getting a stepmum and possibly step siblings will have an effect on them

@messybun101

I don't know what pp is talking about being creepy. There's nothing 'creepy' about this?

I honestly feel this is a natural reaction to finding out an ex who you shared a life with and created children together is officially moved on.
It's one thing to to have a bf/gf but when it comes to doing official things in their relationship like you did in yours (i.e getting engaged and planning a future) then it's bound to sting and probably hit a few nerves

There will be more posters along soon to give you better advice, I'm sure of it. I just wanted to give you some support after reading the thread and thinking you are totally 'normal'

Ex Dh wasn’t nice to us. He criticised absolutely everything I did [...] I still vividly remember how my DD’s and I got stressed most days when he returned home from work wondering what mood he was going to be in. all I hear is from my DDs who often report back on his mood swings and how he often reduces the now fiancé to tears This is the part I found creepy.

Ah @ravenmum because he's doing the same with the new woman? Like he is seeking out the same type of woman that he can control again and again? I think I understand what you mean if that's the case

I'd use the term creepy differently though. I think he's a nasty prick.

Yes, and also just knowing what she can look forward to.

Thanks for the replies all. It helps to read others have gone to similar experiences.

I agree with @ravenmum I think you have an unsettling sense of déjà vu going on. Possibly also a sense that you should be happily coupled up before him? Not that you should be of course but we do live in a society that likes to tell us that being in a relationship is really important.

I understand how you are feeling op.

My ex husband and I separated over 3 years ago and are divorcing. We both have new partners and are amicable but I would still feel strange if he announced his engagement. We are both happy living separately from our partners for the foreseeable though so hopefully that won't happen for a good while (and we are still legally married)!
I have accepted and mourned the end of our marriage (affair on his part) but it will still sting when the engagement/moving in happens, as I'm sure it will for him. We were together many years and had many great years together so I would be more surprised not to be affected by it.

I know exactly how you’re feeling. My XH got engaged to the OW the first opportunity after our divorce came through. The irony was he proposed to her in exactly the same way he’d proposed to me 25 years earlier. On holiday, on the beach at sunset! (Only know this because she told DC that’s how he’d done it!!)
I felt strangely sad and then I laughed as it was so unoriginal and she thought /thinks it was special and unique to her!
I took control of my feelings by immediately reverting back to my maiden name! One Mrs Bellelou is enough for this world! I haven’t looked back since!!