Recovering from abuse

[Sleeplessem]

Hi there,

This is something I’ve been struggling with for a while and that’s recovering from child abuse.

It took me until the last year or so (after having dd) to fully realise that what I went through as a teen was child abuse and it has really impacted me on numerous levels throughout my life. I’ve been extremely shy, have no self confidence, had severe anxiety, depression, anorexia nervosa (I was an anorexic for 7 years), generally very disordered eating, anger and found myself in toxic relationships (several times, not just romantic ones but friendships too) Until recently, I had realised I had issues but I thought it was all my fault and I spent a bomb on psychotherapy (2 different therapists) to no avail. I’ve also undergone cbt and more general counselling through maternity services but they acknowledged they didn’t have the experience for childhood trauma and said theyd refer to me see a psychologist but that never amounted to anything.

I’ve been assessed by a psychiatrist and I don’t need medication but for want to a better phrase I still feel haunted. I’ve confronted my mother who was the primary abuser and I believe her to be a narcissist as she won’t acknowledge that what she said and did (there was physical violence, emotional abuse and neglect) and maintains I deserved it. She maintains because she never hit me with a belt, or punched me or locked me in a dark room without food for days that it wasn’t abuse. I can’t get closure this way, so I’m at a bit of an impasse.
If there are any other people who have healed from abuse in any way I’d love to hear how you did it and the steps you took to heal!

Ps I’ve not got into detail about what the abuse looked like, just because it’s over 10 years of incidents. But I can disclose if anyone thinks it’s necessary!

Thank you for reading

Have you had therapy OP?
I know you've been assessed but have you spoken to anyone about it?

I would go very low contact with your mother for now and stop trying to get her to apologise or change. That way madness lies. You need to start healing for yourself and stop looking to her for validation.

@username4567720 hiya, yes I have. But they acknowledged they didn’t know how to deal with childhood trauma. The therapist I saw was certain pursuing a relationship with her was the way forward as according to her even people who have been through childhood sexual abuse sometimes eventually forgive and have a relationship with the abuser. I wasn’t sold on that being the best advice nor it actually being true tbh.

I’ve not spoken to my mother about the abuse in years, so gaining validation from her to be frank I left in my 20s. Cutting all contact for some reason, is something that would make me feel tremendously guilty. Perhaps it’s because for the most part I always had physical possessions and money was the answer to most problems, so I feel indebted- I don’t know? Also my father is very very ill, so maintaining communication is necessary rn.

Also just to follow on, I don’t know how to heal for myself, which is why I created this post to hear from other people who have healed from abuse :)

The therapist I saw was certain pursuing a relationship with her was the way forward as according to her even people who have been through childhood sexual abuse sometimes eventually forgive and have a relationship with the abuser.

Sweet Jesus, that's so wrong!

If you have money check out BACP for a therapist. Make sure they are trained in or have extensive experience of childhood trauma. You want trauma based therapy.

Check out Pete Walker on Complex Post Traumatic Stress, see if any of that fits.

Go low contact with your mother and stop trying to have a relationship with her as she can't give you what you need. Just stop. She is just continuing to traumatise you. Why can't you find out info from your dad by other means? Go very low contact then and stop being vulnerable with her.

Check out Toxic Parents by Susan Forward

You heal slowly and in steps. One step forward, two steps back, one giant step forward and so on.

@username4567720 I have a brother too but he was also involved in the violence so I largely have 0 contact with him.

With regards to my dad, there is no one else. She is next of kin, so all health updates go to her and he is very very poorly so is unable to let me know when he gets rushed to hospital or what for. He gets rushed in regularly. Hence why no contact with her is an option. She and I do not chat in the social sense, although she does try, it’s just too hard for me. Most of our interactions are about my father.

Unfortunately paying privately isn’t an option, it’s just too costly for my very average salary

@sleeplessem.
You don't ever heal from it love, you just learn to cope with it in a different way that it doesn't impact too much on your day to day life.
As someone who has suffered trauma like that and childhood sexual abuse and a drug addict father I can say it can and will get easier, try not to over think .
You didnt ask for any of it to happen to you and you are not to blame.
Dont ask your mum about it anymore it will not bring closure to you darling .

@Inthesameboatatmo I’m sorry for all you went through!

I’ve found pregnancy brings it all to the surface for me and I’m about 3 months with my second and I find myself more haunted than usual. With my first I developed extreme anxiety that something would happen, the counsellor said that was common for children of abuse to feel like they can never be happy and something will always go wrong and that it would be their fault, but she was unable to provide guidance on how to deal with it. This anxiety had horrible effects and because I have such warped ideas about normal eating, I wasn’t eating properly and both of these things stunted my daughters growth. But if you’d have asked me pre pregnancy id have sworn I was fine. Hopefully that makes sense, I think I’m trying to say I’m sure it all impacts me in ways I don’t even know, sometimes (definitely just a pregnancy thing) I catch myself crying, thinking people knew how come no one helped me xx

1. It's hard to find the right therapist for this. CBT is useless. Try and look for transactional analysis and you might need to go to 5 or 6 before you find the right person.

2. Forget all expectations is a narcissistic or abusive parent of understanding or making right what they did. You might be able to have a relationship with them, but it's dependent on accepting their limitations and letting go of expecting anything else.

3. You need to heal the inner child within yourself, which is why transactional analysis works well. You're not a child anymore, you are a strong, brave, capable adult and you can work through being the parent you never had for yourself. It's very empowering once you get it right. You need help from a good therapist.

4. None of this is your fault, and you can turn pain into wonderful strengths and great empathy. Let go of the idea that how parents treat you is about you - it is only about their capacity at the time.

5. Reading is great. There are great books on healing your inner child, on complex PTSD as a result of childhood neglect and understanding the betrayal you feel.

Goode luck, you are grown up, brave and much stronger than you know x

@sleeplessem.
It all makes sense and I get it , all of it.

But try not to think or strive for happy if you get what I mean.
That is just putting extra pressure on yourself that you dont need at all being pregnant, but the best thing to do is try to live your life without bringing the past into your future, a life well lived is the best kind of kick in the cunt for a mother like that .
I try to think of myself as not a victim at all ,I didn't ask to be brought into the world and have all that shit go on .
I'm not a victim or survivor of abuse I am a normal (fairly) lol person and I live my life as I should ,with happiness because I know it hurts but your children will pick up on it at some point.

You're mum may well have gone through something similar as a child ,shes probably of the generation that everything was swept under the rug and not spoken about.
She will never admit what she did was wrong to you for whatever reason , so you need to stop seeking that . Good luck x

Dont know what happened to my paragraphs lol

Thanks for your advice!

My mum definitely didn’t go through anything similar she was worshipped by my grandparents and was incredibly close to them, that was one of things she’d be very angry at me for, getting in the way of the time they could spend together.

@ArowenTheElf I’ve not heard of that type of therapist, do you know if they are available on the nhs? Xx