Unreciprocated feelings

[diamond42]

Hi guys. Just looking for a bit of advice on this one please be nice as I am feeling slightly vulnerable right now🤣

Been with a guy for around 6/7 months now and I've knew for a few weeks so decided it was time to tell him I love him. I wanted to be honest and the feeling was kind of eating away at me. Long story short, I told him while we were chilling watching tv, I was nearly physically sick I was so nervous😂 There was a long pause but he continued cuddling me and wasn't acting awkward or shocked. He then said to me that he isn't going to say it back yet because he's not sure if he feels the same yet and didn't want to be dishonest. I said I completely understand and would rather he was honest about things. He then continued to say that he was really happy with the way things were and said that he's not saying never, he just saying that's how he feels now but could see it changing in the future.

This was Sunday so I've had a few days to mull things over. Part of my head is screaming telling me I need to walk away or at least take a step back to protect my feelings, but half is saying just chill out, enjoy it and see what happens. My concern is that this goes on for a while and I end up being hurt that we do not feel the same. I mean, it's a horrible vulnerable feeling to know you have these feelings and they do not. Like I feel slightly ashamed but not sure why?

Just to clarify he is very loving, considerate and always making an effort. There isn't any trust issues or arguing and we enjoy being with each other.

What's everyone's thoughts? Anyone had a similar situation?

Awe so sorry, I would walk away, 6/7 months is a fair amount of time to know If you're in love or not, I think you're the one for now

Oh this is tough. It's good he was honest, and your relationship sounds good in general.
How old are you? Is there a time pressure in terms of fertility etc, or do you have years to slowly get to know each other? I think that the answer to that question matters tbh.

I took a long time to fall 'in love' (by which I mean a feeling you can't control; an intense heady feeling / thinking about them all the time) - about two years I think! Everyone is different. But in the meantime I did love my partner, by which I mean I showed love by my actions/words etc, and I felt love towards him like friends/family. I also fancied him. But I didn't get that heady 'in love' feeling for ages. Do you know which type of 'in love' your partner is talking about?

Everyone is different, for me 6 months is far too early. My DP said it long before I did but I got there eventually. I think it's good that he's been honest.

To tell you the truth OP, I would wonder what was going on here. You've been with him 6-7 months and must have spoken about your future together but he doesn't love you.

If I fancy someone and am in a relationship with them, I tend to be really into them. And you are in the honeymoon period which is where you can't get enough of each other and feelings should be growing. I would take a step back and be a bit more guarded as I wonder if he's just using you or happy in the relationship until he finds someone else. That would be my main concern here.

How old are you both?

I am like @username4567720. I think 6-7 months is a long enough time to know. Are you in a committed relationship? Have you discussed the future (not vague future but yoir future together)

If someone said what he said I would take a huge step back and even start seeing other people.

I think as you're both different people with different thoughts and life experiences it's always going to be one of you saying it/feeling it before the other No?
In all honesty 6 to 7 months isn't a huge amount of time. The first 3 months are really just dating, sometimes not even exclusively. I think he's just arriving at that point a little slower than you. I think if you're happy together, moving along nicely, he's actions are displaying care, respect and a level of commitment that acceptable for 2 people who don't live together/aren't looking at engagement and kids within months then just carry on as you are.

I also think six months is enough to know. Maybe give it a couple of months and see how things progress.

You might find he backs off a bit now if he’s not feeling it. On the other hand he might relax and get the feelings too.

It's about the definition as well isn't it. PP spoke about that heady feeling; for me, that's what infatuation feels like, and love is a steadier, safer kind of connection, a feeling that you really know the person and their faults and you still have a very deep and strong bond with them. Not saying that either definition is wrong, but maybe your bf is more like me in his thoughts..?
I've been with BF for 9 months and neither of us have said it. I ponder it sometimes, but haven't said it because although I think I do love him, I don't feel it's quite right to say it yet.
Keep in mind too that some people have complicated relationships with the word love. My abusive ex used it as a weapon, and so there is a part of me that feels like if someone says the L word, it means they think they have carte blanche to treat me like shit. It may well be the same for your bf.

Lord, I didn’t say it or hear it for years from my DH and we have now been together 16 years. I probably would have told him earlier but he’s quite emotionally guarded (or conservative) so I didn’t push it. I think you can often tell though by someone’s behaviour - do they walk the walk rather than just “ talk the talk”. My DH treated me with a great deal of consideration and respect indicated by little things he did. I wouldn’t just bin off a good relationship because they’re not exactly in the same place you are at exactly the same time.

To everyone saying 6 months is enough to know... surely it depends on how those 6 months were spent? Was it mostly apart due to lockdown etc OP?

I think your relationship sounds healthy and I'd appreciate the honesty. Obviously its disappointing but I'd hang in there - you love him, why wouldnt you?

I also think everyone is different (we were lucky in that we felt and said it at the same time and have been together ever since etc) BUT I think how long it takes to get to that stage does vary a lot between different people and perhaps has a lot to do on their previous experiences and your current stage of life?
Maybe he's thinking with his head and is sensible rather than rushing/allowing emotions to take over.

6-7 months is a long time for him not to be sure. How long will it take him to develop that feeling, if ever? With his honesty you now know you're both at different stages in the relationship. Will this put pressure on either of you?

I think actions speak louder than words. Everything else is fine. It’s just that he doesn’t yet want to tell you that he loves you. We cannot measure how we feel. Maybe his threshold for that ‘love’ feeling is higher than yours. I don’t think you are at different stages. I think you are just 2 different individuals.

When you say you love someone it is not transactional. It is an expression of how YOU feel, irrespective of how they feel. It’s ok for this to have happened! Nothing has changed in your relationship. I think you should try to relax and be comfortable with your emotions . And his

I can’t speak for your bloke, but if I found myself thinking “I’m happy how things were/are” after a girl disclosed that she was in love with me, I’d probably end things and I’ll tell you for why: I don’t want to be happy with the way things are until I’d met/found the woman I was madly in love with myself. If someone said that they loved me, and I wasn’t quite there myself, if I couldn’t hand on heart say I was at least in the process of falling for them too, I’d believe it would be time to call a halt before worse damage was done.

It’s easy enough to find a nice girl, enjoy her company, physical intimacy, the validation and ego boost etc. However if that’s all it ran to for me, if she said she loved me it would prompt some serious soul searching on my part, as to continue on without working to reciprocate would be exploitative in my opinion.

My best friend's husband took a year to say he loved her (she said so after six months). They have been happily married for ages, he was just cautious and careful in his intentions and he adores her.

I had an ex fiance who told me after ten days he loved me and proposed after about 6 months. He dumped me a few weeks before the wedding having fallen out of love as fast as he fell in.

So not sure that's a measure of anything. You are really looking how someone treats you and their relationship patterns in general. Being slow to say "I love you" can also be a sign of attachment issues.

My current partner took two and half years to be able to say it, because he has serious issues with attachment and vulnerability. Now he adores me and says it 50 times a day but it took forever. Also, our relationship is no picnic because he is terrified of closeness and it's caused a lot of hurt.

Really, just look at the picture of the person in general. If you see a history of positive, stable relationships and good friendships they are probably sound emotionally. If they are treating you well and seeming to be besotted and committed you are fine.

My first DH took 7 months to say he loved me. To be honest, I don’t think he really did love me.

My newer DH hinted around it at 2-3 months and said it properly at 3-4 months.

Your BF has been honest. He doesn’t think he’s in love with you. I love his honesty but I don’t think I’d stay.

My boyfriend told me st 9 months, I felt the same but didn't say it back. We're very happy 8 years later and getting married.

I think actions speak louder than words

I agree with this when someone promises you the word but lets you down or when people don't have the opportunity to say how they feel but show appreciation in some form.

Hi guys. Thanks for everyone's comments/experiences it's appreciated.

After some thought I've decided to take a step back from this and put myself first. For those asking I am 26 and he is 28. Not mentioned in the original post but he suffers from quite bad mental health and things have not been great recently. He is never abusive or anything like that but his mood changes so fast and he can go hours or even days without replying to me and I've decided I've had enough. Every time this happens I just hurt myself even more and the more time spent together it's even harder to let go.

He's never horrible to me face to face, actually when we're together it's perfect so this is the part I'm struggling the most with. He's started counselling quite recently but I don't feel like I want to wait about on him possibly getting better.

Anyway thanks again for everyone's help xx