Should I keep messaging?

[Jumpinginwithbothfeet]

Been speaking to a seemingly nice guy on OLD for 5 weeks! Have suggested meeting up a few times he always says yes but never gets round to agreeing a date. I do not want to keep asking. He has a fab sense of humour and I have checked out his social media and he seems to be exactly who he says he is. We both have kids and work so can be tricky to find spare time but surely if he was as interested as he implies he would have found some time by now?! He does come across as a little shy but is it worth carrying on with the messages?

Stop messaging him. Only reply to his messages, don’t initiate anything. You need him to stop getting a “fix” of you via the phone, so he is left with no option but to meet you in person.

But he’s probably already seeing someone if he’s dodging setting a date.

If a man is interested, he’ll let you know.

No. If somebody is interested in meeting, even if they are very busy, they will be keen to put a date in the calendar even if that’s a couple of weeks or so into the future. Stop messaging him altogether, he’s not interested enough.

When I was OLD I used to stipulate that I wanted to meet sooner rather than later as you can get on on text/phone but not click or fancy each other when you meet, then it ends up being a waste of time.

I would be pushing to meet withing about two weeks unless there was good reason you couldn't. I agree with @ThatOtherPoster don't message only to reply and keep yourself open to chatting/meeting someone else.

"It's been nice chatting to you but as you don't have enough time to meet up in person, it's probably best if we call it a day. Wish you all the best :)"

Until you meet in person it’s just smoke and mirrors. I think some people just like having a cyber relationship. I would certainly cease initiating contact but would probably respond if he took the initiative.

Ravenmums message is good!

You've suggested meeting a few times and he's never taken you up on the offer. I wouldn't ask again. He knows you want to, he would do something about it if he did.
I wouldn't initiate any contact. Reply if he gets in touch. Get on with your life and keep your options opened. I personally wouldn't make a big song and dance to him about not speaking ever again. I don't think the situation warrants that.

@Divebar2021 absolutely this.
I used to be the person who wanted to text for weeks before meeting as I was too nervous and wanted that ‘connection’ but what a mistake that was! The amount of times I went on dates and couldn’t wait to leave as they were not the person I thought they were.
I would just maybe try one last time and then move on.

Take your focus off him, keep him as an option but let him set the date, don't wait around for him, if he loses you to someone else to date then that's his problem. I'm dating online for the second time round, much more ruthless this time, I only want someone who can show me as much interest as I do them, if they're not proactive in communication and setting a date up then they aren't for me.

Ok I think you're all right. Will stop making contact and let him take initiative and see what happens. Thanks

Personally, this is a complete turn off for me. I'm guessing he's waiting for you to say, "let's meet up to do x on y date". But it's so bloody lazy and frankly, sets the tone for you being responsible for all planning and thinking for the rest of your time together.

But if you really like him, you could try making a specific suggestion to at least see how he responds. But unless he agrees or comes up with an alternative instead, you should walk away. And even if he does agree, be careful that this isn't then the pattern.

Are you sure he's actually single?

Sod that. He’s just in it for the ego boost.

I would send a final, definite shall we meet up text, know you said you'd mentioned it before but it sounded vague. I prefer to cut to the quick and give them no wriggle room lol.
I'd send one more message along the lines of 'are you free on x, y or z, if so let's arrange to meet for a drink/coffee at (insert time and place). in other words be completely direct. Then unless I got an equally as direct 'yes, I can do drinks on x, sha

Ok (time and place) works for me, great see you then' in respone I just wouldn't resply anymore.
I cba with all the fade out, let him come to you, remove the chatting and if he wants to meet he will get it stuff.
I understand we're all different though....
I would just prefer to be direct about what I want and then cease to waste anymore time if he couldn't offer me it.

I don't think you need to make a song and dance of it, no, but a polite message explaining why you are not interested is better than ghosting him or appearing to be sulking.

Thanks! Can't say I'm enjoying OLD at all, takes ages to find someone you seem to click with and then this happens! Perhaps I should find a new hobby and see if I can meet someone that way!

@Jumpinginwithbothfeet i agree. I did enjoy old, but that was mainly during my I'm not looking for anything serious periods. When I approached the stage of wanting an actual relationship it kind of became less fun and seemed more difficult. That's when I got a whole lot more direct and decided to go with actions not words. I took 0 notice of what they said and only watched what they did, it helped me discard the time wasters early on and meant I wasn't forming any kind of emotional connection on my part unless there was consistency on theirs.

However I stopped dating completely during the pandemic and lockdown taught me that actually, I'm a lot happier single so I've knocked all forms of dating on the head, I might go back to it in the future but I think I'll just be using it as a bit of fun. If I do meet someone special it will be irl and if I don't then it's just me myself and I going forward lol.
Good luck with it.

I enjoyed OLD, but was also just doing it for fun. After a long marriage I didn't want to move straight into another long-term thing, so I was specifically looking for people who also just wanted fun, and had dates with men that I wouldn't have been interested in if I'd been looking for someone my "type". Been with the last one for more than 4 years now; he's still not "suitable" but turned out to be a good match.

I'd say outright that the chat has been great but unless you can agree a time to meet up then it's a bit pointless, don't know if you are attracted to each other in real life! If he doesn't go for it and arrange a time it's time to tell him that you're looking to actually have a date and good luck!

OP
From my experience I'm sorry to say that if he's reluctant to set a date he's not interested in meeting up. In OLD terms 5 weeks is a long time.

My (now) DP is properly crap at organising stuff, we chatted on and off for weeks online without getting to a meet up and I mentally had him on the back burner by the time he managed to get his arse into gear.

Eventually I messaged him saying quite bluntly that I was going on 2nd date with someone else and if he didn’t pull his finger out he was potentially going to miss his chance with me. That worked.

Please don't be swayed ask him out again. Does he flirt with you?

@Peach01 minimal flirting, more general chit chat. Although he seems quite shy...for example I asked for his number as had been chatting via app and he happily gave it and said he had been wanting to ask for mine but wimped out. So not sure if that's why or there's another reason

@ravenmum message is perfect.

It puts the ball in his court. If he's that keen to see you then he can message back hastily to suggest meeting up.

If he doesn't then it wasn't worth wasting any more time over.