Anyone have experience of dealing with a depressed husband / wife?

[Josie0900]

I think my husband is depressed...it's been such a low and gradual decline that I haven't really noticed until it's gotten really bad.

He said he was 'in a rut' before he met me and that the early months of the relationship pulled him out of it but I think whatever the problem was has started to resurface again over time (we've been together 5 years). He's gone from being 'a bit grumpy / pessimistic' to overwhelmingly miserable and very difficult to be around.

I'm not trained to diagnose people with depression but he seems to fit the description...although he won't accept that he's depressed. For example:
-Zero sex drive
-No motivation at work / stressed very easily (we do the same job and he's not particularly busy at the moment so I think it's more his state of mind getting him worked up)

• Never up for doing anything...moans when I plan days out or trips away..literally always has a negative comment and never suggests doing anything
• Always complains of being tired, every single day...we have a 17 mth old but I've always dealt with night wakings
• Very negative, pessimistic..lately always seem to have a flat tone to his voice and complains about everything'
• Very impatient and bad road rage / shouting at drivers. It stresses me out massively every time I get in a car with him

He wasn't like this when I met and this behaviour has gotten worse so gradually...but now I really dislike being around him I find it very draining and he brings my mood down.

He won't accept that he's depressed and won't go to therapy..he blames it on external factors like being tired because of having a child and work stress as if there's no point fixing himself as it will always be bad because of the above. I feel at a loss...I'm worried about divorcing and him wanting 50/50 custody feel like I'm trapped until our child is older as I don't want to live apart from her.

I would work at it if he acknowledged the problem and sought help...

Sounds like a complete sponge of any happiness or joy in life. You need to decide if you want to stay in the relationship OP.

The road rage is abusive for a start, he's withdrawn sex with no explanation and doesn't seem prepared to get help. Rage, irritation, complaining can all be part of depression, so he does need to get that checked out.

The alternative explanation is that his mask has come off and he changed briefly in order to trap you in the relationship. But unless he goes to the GP or does something proactive, this is your life. You need to decide if this is what you want for the next few decades.

Sponge of happiness is a good description...I usually just ignore it and carry on with my own thing but just feel like I've had enough. If we didn't have a child I would have left already...I've left other relationships for less. Feel I've made a huge mistake

Ahh I could have written this. Same length of time together, same age child.

Only difference is my DH knows he's depressed and is trying to move through it. He's had therapy, is on medication. It's still hard, and I really struggle with how our life is together now compared to when we were together for the first few years. I don't recognise us, and I'm struggling to imagine getting back to happiness together. It's been going on for so long and it's so draining and relentless.

If one of you is ill in a relationship it behoves you to try and get better for the sake of the family. You wouldn't tolerate him breaking his leg and then dragging it around for weeks complaining about the pain, getting angry about it, while refusing to see a doctor about it. This is no different, as harsh as it sounds. It's unfair on the entire family and on your partner otherwise.

You can't force him to get help, and to be frank therapy is unlikely to be helpful unless he actually wants it of his own volition, but you can make it clear to him that you're not happy in the relationship with how things are and that you need him to start taking steps to get better. See his GP, explore some medication, refer himself for some therapy (via NHS, or privately if you can afford it). And to let him know that if things continue the way that they are, you don't think it would make sense to remain together. He needs to be told honestly the effect this is having on you and on your family. Depression can make a person very selfish (I've suffered with it myself) and self pitying, it can be really difficult to see the impact your behaviour and mood is having on others. It's a treatable illness though and if he isn't willing to get help and at least try to improve how he feels then I think you're going to have no choice but to consider ending the marriage.

It's better for your daughter to have two separated parents and one of them at least be happy, than it is to be in a house with both of them while a huge dark cloud is hanging over everything permanently.

@ChangePart1 I’m sorry to hear you’re going through something similar..it’s so hard isn’t it especially when you don’t recognise the person they’ve become. It’s good news that your husband is seeking help at least.

I tried to speak to him today and said could you at least firstly go to the GP and check there’s nothing physically wrong like thyroid or low testosterone etc and he was totally fine with that..seems much more accepting of a physical illness but is totally adverse to suggestions of therapy.

Despite us having a frank discussion earlier and me telling him how unhappy I am in the marriage and that I would support him but only if he got help ...he then came back later on walked through the door and started shouting at the top of his lungs that I’d ‘lost his bank card’. I had borrowed his wallet to go to the shop (after asking him) as I’m waiting for a replacement card and I’d put it back in the wrong slot in his wallet and he went nuts speaking to me like dirt. This is while I’m trying to enjoy some time with our daughter after picking her up from nursery...this is always the case that I’m feeling ok and he comes and ruins my mood within 5 mins of interacting with him. I feel so unhappy and just want some space from him but his parents live miles away so can’t even ask him to leave for a few days.

Tbh I would have left my husband if he hadn’t got help for his depression. I’d known him for several years before he had a severe depressive episode so I knew it wasn’t him. He got help, took medication and exercise, all the recommended stuff.

Yours may just be a git or a naturally miserable fucker.

Either way (unless he accepts he needs help), it isn’t working for you, it’ll sap your spirit and your life little by little almost without you realising ...

He’s unlikely To go for 50:50 custody as that’s a lot of work. You’ll manage without him sapping your energy.

I've had really quite bad depression, couldn't see the colour in the world, struggled to wash, didn't open my email for months etc. Being horrible to those around you isn't a part of depression, and you shouldn't think this is necessarily linked to it.

OP as one one who lived with partner with depression for many years, trust me it won't get better. Just ended a relationship after years of being dragged down by low moods, snappines no desire to go anywhere or do anything, in and off medication and we have a dd.

It's a lonely road, if he doesn't want help it's not your job to try and fix him.I'm 6 months out of the relationship and as sad as it was I feel so much better for it and I wished I'd ended long ago.

@Student133

I've had really quite bad depression, couldn't see the colour in the world, struggled to wash, didn't open my email for months etc. Being horrible to those around you isn't a part of depression, and you shouldn't think this is necessarily linked to it.

Gosh, this.

He started shouting at you in front of your child?

I’m sorry, but that would be an automatic ‘please go stay in a hotel for a few days, I really need some space’ moment while I really truly considered the practicalities moving forward if we were to separate.

One thing I can say about my DH is that his depression has NEVER affected his parenting, how much effort and energy he puts into our child, he has never used it as an excuse to belittle or snap at me around him, and never used it as an excuse to less than his fair share of parenting. The odd being short with me in front of DS when things are really bad but if he’d shouted at me around him that would cross a line. It’s absolutely unfair for you and your child, to have her witness that must be really frightening for her.

This has to change. He needs to be told that this is his last chance to behave appropriately and if he ever shouts at you in front of your child again you may have crossed a line you can’t come back from. I’m so sorry.

@ChangePart1 it’s funny you say that as I’ve just booked him into a hotel for 5 nights! My parents are on holiday otherwise I’d have gone to stay with them but don’t want them to worry so I’ve asked him to leave. Of course now he’s all apologies but I’ve told him it’s too late and shouldn’t have to get to the point where I ask him to leave to get an apology. We have his mother coming to visit next week which is a whole other joy and I think where he gets this from so I’ve booked him in there till she arrives.

@Student133 I think you’re right in that I’ve been maybe attributing too much of the horrible attitude to depression. He never used to speak to me like this but it’s getting worse and worse and our daughters definitely aware now. I don’t want her to grow up thinking that’s ok and in a toxic environment.

As someone who was with depressed ex husband for fifteen years I would advise set clear boundaries. Call out every unacceptable behavior you are not his emotional kicking bag. If he doesn't engage with medical care then don't enable his behavior, he needs to do his share, don't save him by doing everything for him. Look after yourself, I found support groups here for family members very helpful.

Yeah I think clear boundaries are important, it would certainly have massively impacted my daily ability to do stuff, but even if a symptom of it was abusive behaviour, it still doesn't mean you put up with it. In the longer term, actually making him confront this and get professional help is the only way he is going to be able to function as a father for your kids, whether you are with him or not. Obviously we are only strangers, but if you can find a way of getting him to a GP this is the best thing you can do at this point. I should point out that I'm a bloke, and one of the things that actually helped was hearing other 'successful' people talk about this stiff, so I'll link am programme with England rugby player Joe Marler, of you can get him to actually watch this with you it might start linking things together in his head that it's describing how he feels too. It took me at least a year before I figured out what was up, so though it may be too late to put up with sadly what he has become on a relationship level, it could be huge for your kid if they have a dad who is at least addressing these issues.

@Student133 thanks for sending this link I’ll have a look at this tonight and hopefully convince my husband to watch it. I know he definitely struggles to talk about any emotions and when I suggested the GP to check for a physical problem he jumped at the chance and was onboard with that...any suggestion of a mental health issue he gets very defensive. He didn’t have a very nice childhood and I think gets defensive because he doesn’t want to open things up ..he’s a very dominant character and hates any perceived ‘weakness’. I’ve never asked him to leave before but just feel so bogged down with the negativity. I think he thinks I was doing it to provoke a reaction but I genuinely am sick of the sight of him at the moment.

My OH has depression for around 2 years now. He was very open and told me one night that he thought he had it, the next day booked a dr appointment and started medication.
He stayed on them for a few months and felt better then came off them. Then was on/off them for about a year.
About 8 months ago when he was off them, it got really bad, I couldn't ask him simple questions like howre you, how was work, what do you want for tea, I was met with 1 word answers, doors slamming, attitude, I felt like I was walking on egg shells all the time.

I couldn't ask him for help with a job around the house, without a tantrum (think stroppy teenager), but if I did it on my own I got an ear full about how I should ask him. I couldn't win.

It came to a head 1 night when we were at his parents and we had a massive argument. His mum had a word and he went back on his medication. If he hadn't, I wouldn't be with him.

Hes back to his normal self, no tantrums, no arguments.

It won't get better unless your DH acknowledges theres a problem and seeks help. Hopefully his Dr can help at his appointment.

@TheWeeDonkeys wow it sounds like the antidepressants had quite an impact! I just don’t recognise him anymore..the walking on eggshells description you gave definitely resonates. This morning he was very grumpy so I said ‘you ok what’s wrong?’ and his curt reply was ‘I’m tired what do you want?’. Within 5 mins of interacting I went from being fine to being dragged into his bad mood.

Yeah it took me years until I opened up about it so that element is very common. I guess maybe see if once he's on any medication if he starts to look more like the person you met at the start, I know I would feel awful if I kept someone I a crappy relationship due to my mental health stuff, and as others noted its at least getting him stable so he can have a proper relationship with your kids.