Help me understand the cheater who made big commitments

[Cloudyonasunnyday]

Hello all , I am hoping for some advice or the classic mumsnet “handhold”

I will try and not make this too long. Essentially I was with BF for 2 years it was a very difficult relationship in that he cheated a year ago (drunken kiss) I forgive him as he made me feel it was a genuine mistake - not long after various other things happened him txting women etc I can now see I was massively gaslighted / manipulated and I stayed. I was stupidly lead to believe he was a changed person we even put an offer in on a house together (I know stupid )

Luckily before the house deal was complete I found out he had lied to me about where he was and there’s evidence he was socialising with women in a capacity that we had agreed wasn’t acceptable after what had happened last time , aswel as this there was secret social media use . I have ended the relationship. It’s so hard as he was so charming when I was with him and actually made me feel happy but it seems when I wasn’t around he had different ideas.

I am left feeling so confused as to why someone would push for such a huge commitment make all the promises in the world , make me feel safe only to betray me again .. he would never have changed would he ? I just need to hear I’ve done the right thing as I’m now in a position of living with family and very scared about being alone / the future. Part of me thinks he must have really loved me as he wanted the house with me but I know that can’t be true due to all the lies and gaslighting .. confused

I'm so sorry, I can feel your despair just reading it, but you have 100% done the right thing.

My ex husband, who i was with for 22 years (from the age of 14!) decided in the January that we should sell our house and literally double our mortgage to one we could not really afford because it came with a bothy we could rent out. Luckily I said no, he kept on and on but he didn't win.....3 months later he left me, totally out of the blue, and said he'd been thinking about it for the past year. When I asked why the push to sell the house and take out a huge mortgage then if he already had one foot out the door? His reply......I was living day to day! Honestly, don't look back, you've made the right decision.

I think some people just want it all- they want the security of a long term relationship and all the things that come with it whilst also getting the buzz of attention from others or excitement of getting with new people. It's just sheer selfishness that they are tearing apart the lives of other people for it all.

Maybe look up narcissistic abuse, or behaviours. I am not saying your ex is one.
Your ex sounds like my ex. It’s exhausting isn’t it? Trying to make sense of the carnage these individuals leave behind them wherever they go.

You have 100% done the right thing, he wouldn't have changed and the more you forgave the harder he would've pushed your boundaries. Time to focus on yourself and your future wishing you all the best!

Thanks for all replies so far they are really helping me . I just feel like he has really pulled the wool over my eyes and everyday is filled with anxiety , fear , anger and sadness at the moment . He certainly had narcissistic traits. The fact I seen such clear evidence and he managed to convince me I was wrong I’m so mad at myself for staying and mad at my mind for tricking me into thinking everything was going to be ok . I’m so glad we didn’t go ahead with the house but I’m now grieving that future as I’ll never afford a place like that on my own (neither will he ) x

@booboo24 that is awful I hope you are doing ok x it’s just so hard to comprehend isn’t it

Please don’t be angry at yourself. It’s easier to find a scumbag of a man than finding a good one. What has helped me figure things out is write down my doubts, then write why I feel they are wrong. Most of the time I realise that I was groomed and made to fall for a person who never even existed. My ex mirrored my behaviour, made it his own and when challenged on his abusive behaviour his mask and true self reared it’s ugly head. Be glad you are out. Be thankful you didn’t let this man ruin your financial future. Be happy that you can find someone who will have your best interest at heart both by word and action. Accept no less and know your worth.

@Pegsonstrings it’s such a hard realisation that I’ve spent so much time being unhappy just for the sake of not being alone ! But I know I will get there x thank you

He wants his cake and to eat it too.

Narcissist tags are bandied around too quickly when selfish, self absorbed and unpleasant fit the bill. He sounds like your common or garden douche. You will be well rid.

@SprayedWithDettol haha that made me smile - I think you’re right some people are just horrible !

My initial thought before you eleven mentioned gaslighting was that he may be an abuser who wanted to trap you as quickly as possible. If you had found out about his lies once you loved together, it would have been harder for you to leave. Not to mention, yoinwould have no restbite from the gaslighting so he could basically have broke you down with that.

As pps said though, narcissistic men want to have their cake and eat it.

Well done on your lucky escape!

@Umberellatheweatha thank you I think what you have said has really opened my eyes as to why he pushed for the house whilst still lying to me so often

Because he is a selfish dickhead an imposter who doesn't know what he wants he'll try take it all and see how it goes, overlooking their partners feelings.
You done the right thing dumping him

It’s not that he didn’t want to live with you. He just wanted to live with you AND enjoy his side-life with all those other women. He’s a selfish twat and you are well rid of him!

I agree with @peace43 especially when you said that he won’t be able to afford the house on his own. He needed you to get the house and once you did he would still continue to have his side pieces while living in the style he wanted.

I had a friend who bought a house with her husband. About a week after buying the house he asked for a divorce. She was in shock as he was the one pushing for the house purchase. There were two reasons he did that, one because he couldn’t afford it without her income and two he thought it would help their relationship (they had long standing marital issues ). When he realized that it didn’t change how he felt about her he asked for a divorce.

I’ve been there myself with a man that “future faked” me , we were engaged and talked about all these plans and children , buying a house but it had to wait a few years til I finished school. Well one day he ghosted me and I found out he got married and had all the things we talked about shortly after. Like you I couldn’t understand it. It’s cruel but some people, especially men are like that.

@sunnyzweibrucken yes I think it’s completely true that he just wanted the big house and be able to show off about it , I earn more than him but he is extremely materialistic. It’s just so hard to get my head around why someone would do that but I think it’s starting to make sense now x