I’m really fed up with DP, am I just being grumpy?

[fireflysummers]

Bear in mind here that I’m just talking about the stuf that really annoys me. There’s a lot of good stuff. But in the last few days, here’s some stuff I’ve been a bit upset by.

Currently on maternity leave and due to good old covid I ended up losing a significant sum of money through enhanced maternity pay and a few other complicating factors. He’s actually on a very good income, but I do understand that it’s hard being the sole earner. But he has (probably unintentionally) made me feel bad, mentioning that he’d have liked to buy a new phone but ‘probably not the best time’ with a sigh.

Daft childish behaviour, throwing toys at me and splashing me with water from the paddling pool when I was out playing with baby. I know it’s not the worst thing in the world but it’s such unattractive behaviour and such a turn off someone behaving like a four year old.

He’s barely helping with the baby and when he does it’s counterproductive help, like taking him for 40 minutes in the evening but then having him fall asleep so then it takes hours for him to fall asleep at night.

It’s a small thing but he keeps sabotaging what I’m trying to do. And that’s a strong remark but with breastfeeding, he kept giving him formula. Now I’m trying to wean him and he keeps giving him bits of food. Baby had a rash yesterday but I’ve no idea which food was the culprit. It’s not intentional but it’s so annoying.

All these things, they are annoying, irritating, thoughtless, not awful or nasty. But I do need to talk to him, just now sure how

He is behaving like a spoilt toddler who is angry at your attention being on a new baby, he is not behaving like a grown man or a father at all.
I'd read the riot act if I were you and tell him to grow the hell up.
Does he know how unattractive and childish his behaviour is?

I'm wondering whether he's quite thoughtless, or if you've not been communicating well together ?

I get that these things are irritating, but some of it comes across as he's just not realising that his behaviour is upsetting you ?

Do you tell him you're upset when he's done something thoughtless ?

Does he know that you did not want the baby to fall asleep when he was minding them for example ? Or that you are only introducing one food at a time for a reason ?

I think that is what it is, up, but then I did say ‘please don’t let him nod off, he won’t sleep tonight if he naps now.’ I think sometimes he hears it but it doesn’t go in, because he’s not the one who has the consequences if that makes sense.

diamond to be fair I don’t think it is that, I think he’s just trying to be playful sometimes but I’m more patient to stuff like that when I’m getting more than three hours sleep at a time!

If he is just 'not thinking' before he does something, maybe you need to have more discussions around the plans for DC ?

e.g How you will progress with weaning (and what foods you are introducing and when), so that you are both on the same page ?

I'd like to point out that some of his 'irritating' and 'annoying' behaviours will actually be a benefit as the kids get older, because a Dad that will be 'silly' and actually 'play' with them will pay dividends in the future too.

If you think it's because he's only 1/2 listening, then maybe next time say to him, ''Now don't let DC fall asleep, or it'll be you that has to get DC to bed tonight ! lol ''
If you say it like a 'joke', but then carry this on for the rest of the evening i.e ''lol, I told you if DC fell asleep that you'd be doing bedtime ! lol'' and do not give in ! Keep saying , ''Nope, lol, DC is all yours to get to bed ! lol'' and busy yourself doing something else.

He'll learn, but he may have to learn the hard way ! (Just always keep it light, fun and breezy while you do it )

You are cutting him far too much slack. You're treating him like a teenaged babysitter not an equal adult partner.

He is showing you that he thinks babies are 100% the woman's job, if you agree then crack on but if you think otherwise you need to have it out with him because he doesn't get to dictate that to you without your consent.

Just be careful as sometimes when you criticise what they do, they then decide to do nothing so they don’t get criticised.
Positivity is what you need 😉

At the moment the baby is mostly my job as I’m on maternity leave, but I must admit I am on my knees a bit.

diana in 24 hours he took baby for one 40 minute walk and for one twenty minute block while I had a break from incessant crying so he’s not really doing loads, to be honest.

He clearly thinks the baby's your job, but you do too, with the 'helping' with the baby comment. No. Outside of his working hours, you are equal parents.
I get that this will be a difficult chat, but I can promise you, if you don't nip this in the bud now, resentment will build and you'll end up hating him.

The 40 minute walk before bedtime is a very easy chat to have.
'If you let him fall asleep, you're putting him to bed tonight'
And, follow through. Just walk out the door if he comes back asleep, go to a friends or whatever, and come back very late.
May need to have an idea in advance for the milk.

Let’s not be silly please, it’s not helpful.

Was the 'not be silly' comment to me?

I'm going to take this as him being a new Dad and finding his way.

Firstly with the phone comment, I think I'd ignore at this point, if he does it again I'd point out that all the money is now 'family money' and there are lots of things you'd like to buy but can't at this moment. He needs to grow up!

Re the baby, maybe he's trying to have some control or input and the feeding is his 'in'. Is there anyway you can hand over responsibility to him for something? Maybe he can start to make up purées or try new things with the baby.

I also think you need to spell it out to him that when he's home, any child rearing or housework etc is 50/50. He's already proved the baby can have formula, so one night on the weekend he's responsible for getting up. I might also pick a day that he's decided to let the baby nap. Nothing wrong with him taking a night in the week either. Neither of you can expect life to continue as it was before the baby, he can't expect his to either, so a sleepless night twice a week is his new norm (for a while anyway). His dw being on may leave doesn't mean his life doesn't get impacted. It's a change for both of you, not just you op.

I'm going to take this as him being a new Dad and finding his way.

That was my thought. My DH did a lot of unhelpful things when our first was born. Totally unintentional but it’s difficult for the person working full time to instantly dial in to the situation and understand what’s needed straight away. When babies are weaning they’re changing all the time and only 1 parent can keep a full handle on what baby is eating when. You’re on mat leave and although you shouldn’t be doing everything you are the boss of the baby situation so you need to tell him what to do exactly when. As soon as baby is a bit older he’ll get the swing of things. With our 2nd DC my DH knew exactly what to do to help and we were much more of an equal team. If you’re telling him and he’s not listening that’s crap, but if you’re not spelling everything out at this stage to him you need to cut him some slack.