Hi everyone, originally posted this in the separation thread, but perhaps this is where it belongs..
Occasional contributor here and I’m a 56 year old guy.
I’m going to dive right in..
Married for 25 years with two great kids who are now adults, one still at home.
I’ve never been happy in my marriage, both me and my wife have had difficulties but stuck with it. There has never been a third party.
Last summer a number of things happened. I realised I had never experienced romantic love, and on many occasions I had been reluctant to go home from work because of the atmosphere.
I realised quite starkly that I wanted to at least try and find that special someone. I also realised that I didn’t love my wife. This was immense for me and I had a small breakdown.
One of the serious issues for me was that our marriage was sexless. It was cold. I was / am desperate for intimacy. Not quick sex affairs but the heart warming cuddly type of warmth.
Over the years I had broached the subject with my wife but was always told to “look after myself”, or “is this about sex again?”..
We were living like brother and sister.
Obv there is much more but I’ll skip forward.
I told my wife that I wanted to end it. Then I told the kids.. it was hell.
Then my wife had a real breakdown. The kind where I had to hide the pills and pour the drink down the sink.
I decided to stay to help her get stronger, there is no hate or animosity in relationship just we’re not compatible.
My wife wants a companion husband not an intimate husband.
I had two months off work dealing with my own breakdown and my wife’s.
Then my wife’s father died in the new year.
It has completely devastated her.
I’m still with her and we are getting relationship counselling for different reasons. However we both have said we feel stuck.
Late in the old year I met a lovely woman briefly at a work event. We chatted briefly then parted. She had my number for work stuff but she got in touch in November when she heard I wanted to separate.
We have chatted online very frequently but have never met since that event. We have discussed many things including our futures, possibly together.
She separated three years ago and is ready to start another relationship. We were planning to meet for a coffee soon but she wanted to know where she stood.
I said I was emotionally ready for a relationship ( have been for years) but physically I don’t feel I can leave my wife yet.
My wife has joked many times recently about me meeting someone new, but she is terrified of being in her own. I have always told my wife that even though we go our separate ways I will always be about for her if she needs help.
But I feel my life is slipping, whether this new lady is for me I may now never know. I feel angry and frustrated that I’m not brave enough to go..
So that’s it in a nutshell. I’m happy to answer any reasonable questions but has anyone felt an almost unbreakable loyalty to a spouse even though real love and happiness may be found elsewhere?