Please try to put yourself in my shoes while reading and remember that I'm not a mentally strong person.
I had been harassed multiple times by a co-worker two years ago. My mental health wasn't at its best by the time and the things he had done made it even worse.
After what he did to me, I kind of "took a dislike" to men. I began to fear and avoid every man I saw. I've been avoiding a relationship for two years because of that. I know I shouldn't have judged all men just because of what one of them did but after being harassed, I unintentionally developed a fear. Please don't think that I'm spreading hate against men.
So I was in a bad situation for two years and last summer I met a guy. Well, he saw that I was broken and tried to heal my wounds. He treated me really nice and sweet. Actually, for the first time in my life, I was being treated like that by a man. However I still wasn't ready for a relationship and I was still "disgusted" by men so I mistreated him, kept my distance and I was rude against him. He put up with my manners for some time, but as a matter of course he grew bored of trying to make me happy and inclined away from me.
After some time, I just realized that I've been a bad person. I shouldn't have judged him for what someone else did. I just regretted what I did and try to contact him. We chatted a few times but he was cold. I told him that I was sorry and tried to explain why I did what I did but I didn't tell anything about the harassment thing. He forgave me but we just weren't as we used to be.
I know that he won't be coming back (not only because of my manners but also because he has a girlfriend now) and I totally get why. He's right. He got over it and is happy now and I'm really happy for him.
My co-worker didn't pay a price for what he did and is also happy now. We don't work at the same place anymore.
But I, on the other hand, am really sad. I'm sad because I lost the only man who loved me. I'm sad because he'll never know why I did what I did. I'm sad because maybe, he'll remember me as a bad person (even though he was nice to me when we last talked). I'm sad because I was rude to the only person who was nice to me.
Yes, I agree that I made mistakes. I shouldn't have put blame on him because of what my co-worker did. I agree it was a mistake. I did bad things. But I wasn't a bad person and overall, I didn't deserve all these things. I did everything because I was scared and traumatized. I have to pay for what my co-worker did. I have to bear the consequences of things that I wasn't in charge of.
I can't get over it. I can't forget. I just keep thinking about these events all day long. I don't want to forget him at all. I don't want him to become an "experience" in the past that I'm supposed to take lessons from. What am I supposed to do?