Don't know if I want him in my life right now

[Happieronmyown]

Sorry if this is too long, but a few years ago I got on touch with an old boyfriend who I loved very much, on Facebook. Didnt stop loving him really, but he cheated on me & brought my confidence down by criticising my looks. We were both young & he regrets all of that now & is a lot kinder. The reason I got in touch was curiosity & to show that his ugly duckling had turned out quite nice & done ok for herself. I never had any intentions of meeting. We have seen each other on & off for the last few years & it turned into a nice fwb. Then he went to prison for fraud to hmrc. I can just about forgive that, although very, very wrong. Then lockdown started last year, just after he was released & l refused to break the rules.
We haven't seen each other for 3 years & I have got used to him not being in my life, although we do message each other.
Now things are opening up & we've had our jabs he's putting pressure on me for us to meet. He's going to want sex, I know it as he goes on enough about it. I used to enjoy the sex chat but now I think change the record, it's getting boring.
I just can't be bothered with all the getting ready to make myself look nice for dtd. I'm menopausal and have put on too much weight since I last saw him. I also lost my dad in January. He's sympathetic but says treasure the memories & get on with your life. He's only saying that so I'll agree to sex I think! Whereas I cry every day for him. At the moment I'm happiest seeing my kids, friends & my mum. I don't see myself living with him in a long term relationship, I wouldn't take the risk financially for a start.
But deep down I still love him & might want him back in my life one day, but not now, so what do I say or do? Keep him on the back burner just in case?
If the tables were turned & it was me asking for a meetup I'm sure you'd all say just bin him off as he sounds too flakey & hard work. But I'm scared of saying a permemant goodbye in case I regret it in the future

I think you're getting over him, he no longer provides you with what you need and him going on about sex is now boring to you.
You say you love him but he doesn't sound very lovable, I would look to move on, there doesn't have to be a permanent good bye if you don't want to but phase him out, don't give in to the sex chat and meet ups, he'll either get bored and stop or you'll block him out of frustration.

You won’t regret leaving a fraud who has no empathy for your feelings about your Dads death and who cheated on you years ago and trampled your self esteem into the ground. No matter how you think you feel about him (I highly doubt you’d still “love” him if you were ever to live with him- you’re most likely in love with the idea of what you thought he was- because what he is is a twat). Some things are better left in the past.

Speaking from the perspective of a fat, post menopausal woman, I'm going to suggest that if you don't fancy sex with him now, then you're not going to want it in the future either.

I'd bin him. You've not seen him for three years and you don't really want a relationship. You don't love him. You've got rose tinted specs on at the loss of your youth and the way you used to feel about him.

What is there to love about such a man?. Why is your relationship bar so very low here that you still profess to love someone who previously cheated on you and brought your confidence downwards?. Is he all you think you deserve?. You became a swan whilst he remains a dead duck, you are far too good for him. All he wants from you (and has likely all along) is sex and he targeted you further I think also because you are and remain vulnerable to his approaches. Also I note that your dad died this past January and your ex knows that too, this man is truly the lowest form of life.

Take the rose tinted glasses of nostalgia off and give him a wide berth because you're still allowing yourself to be used by him. Bad people are just that - bad. He's flaky and unreliable so what would there be to regret if you binned him off permanently. Ongoing investment will not resuscitate what is gone when the investment is a bad one.

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs. There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”
This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

Please consider contacting CRUSE re bereavement counselling, they are very good and could help you no end.

I don’t think you love him. I think you love and miss what you used to have - that feeling when you were dating the first time, before he cheated on you, but that doesn’t exist; hasn’t existed for years. You just have the diluted, ersatz, version now. I’m menopausal and a bit of a chonk these days but I still enjoy sex with my partner. If you’re not looking forward to it after having not seen him for three years then why on earth would you bother hanging on to him? And how could he be that dismissive of your dad and your sadness? That is enough to give you the ick in itself. A man who could be so cavalier with your feelings and needs just to get his end away is grim. He’s no prize OP.

Good Jesus, he's a cheat, a horrible person and been to jail for fraud. You honestly want someone like this in your life? Really?

As women, we are brought up to be healers, problem sorters, supportive women who can turn the world around and bring up the best of people.

All a lie, we do not need to save lost souls much less so if to our own heavy sacrifice. He doesn’t need to be changed or saved, he clearly is having his cake and eating it.

He is taking advantage of you not because he cares about you but just because he can. Run op, he is not worth or hassle or associated pain.

It wasn't 'youth' that made him criticise you. I guarantee you he was a rotten person then, is a rotten person now and will always be guess what? Yup, a rotten person.

Sorry for your loss OP
You’ve outgrown this man and have different needs at this stage in your life
I don’t think you’ll regret it - and even if you do, I’m sure he won’t turn you away in the future 😂
Surround yourself with people who love and care for you

Is he in touch cause he needs somewhere to live maybe ?