Please can I have help processing my possible over reaction to this scenario?

[summersun20]

Hi all,

I am in a very happy relationship with my partner of 6 years, I am 31 and he is 27 years old. I had been burned by several relationships prior to this and it took me a while to begin to open up my heart again and let him in. He is factually better looking than me and often gets comments by family/friends how handsome he is (I cringe writing that but bare with me it is relevant), but most and more importantly to me, he is kind, caring, fun, thoughtful and he is my best friend. We have a lot of fun together and laugh a lot. I think I have always had some insecurity due to my past that he will eventually replace me with a younger, more attractive woman, but generally I have managed to put those thoughts to the side.

Recently as we have come out of lockdown when we have been out more, I have been noticing that he has been looking at other attractive women, he is not staring, but I can see him glancing back and forth, multiple times. Being completely honest, I am probably being a bit hyper sensitive looking out for it because I have felt insecure recently and noticing it even more.

This weekend we went on a romantic beach break and stayed on the coast. We went for a meal and next to us a young couple (early 20s?) walked in and sat next to us. The woman was very pretty, slim, and had a small crop top on with no bra on. Throughout the meal, I could see my partner glancing at her multiple times and I tried to hide how upset it was making me, tbh I don't trust my own emotions when I am due on and I didn't want to ruin an otherwise good night. As we left he said to me that the girl next to us, looked like someone he went to school with a few years above him and he kept looking at her to see if it was. I didn't say anything as tbh I was holding in tears and didn't want to look pathetic, at the moment I don't trust my own judgement. Even now, I am not so sure whether this was the case or whether he was saying that noticing that I had noticed and gone quieter.

As we got to the hotel room, I had a shower and had a secret cry to let it out, I shortly went to bed. The following morning I still felt upset but I want to process my own thoughts/feelings before raising it with him if it keeps happening. I realise how pathetic I sound, I don't trust my own judgement and really wanted to welcome your thoughts, am I being silly? Is it normal for men to look at attractive women like that? Do you think I should raise it with him? I am usually very self aware of my own emotions, but this one has thrown me, I am not usually this sensitive. I also suffer from anxiety and worry about the future a lot. I should also mention, on the same day, he had taken some photos of me and honestly they were awful. I could see wrinkles and shadows under my eyes, my nose looked so wonky and I was actually shocked at how bad I looked in the photographs compared to how I thought I looked in real life.

Other than the above, I can't fault him, whilst I am sat typing this he is on a meeting and I can hear him talking about me to his colleagues.
I have no reason not to trust him and I have suspicions that he is going to propose soon (having accidentally seen him looking at engagement rings in the style he knows I like).

I may not be a stunner, but I do have a lot to give, I am kind, thoughtful, trustworthy, laid-back and I have provided him with a lot of support over the years when he has needed it. Perhaps I need to work on my confidence, I am really not sure.

Hoping this is not too rambly, please be kind, I am feeling meh today and to be honest I haven't felt great since, several days later :(

Purely based on this it seems like you are insecure and projecting entirely. It is likely he was looking because he thought he knew her - he even said that to you without you bringing it up. You sound very unhappy with yourself and it's making you paranoid - the photos you didn't like probably added to it!

I think that you are overthinking it. He has explained why he kept glancing at her.

Are you sure he is actually looking at other woman? Or do you think you are projecting your fears on him?

He may be good looking, but probably so are you! The good looking women you see probably don’t consider themselves to be pretty. He got with you quite young, there’s a reason he still with you. He obviously likes you.

I look at attractive women and I’m a heterosexual women. Sometimes you just can’t help it. Unless it’s literal ogling (to the point of making the woman on the receiving end uncomfortable) then I see no harm done. It’s hard not to look at attractive people!

I look at other people, both men and women, and so does my husband. Sometimes one of us might even point out someone to the other if they are particularly good-looking or well-dressed.

He loves you and is proud of you enough to talk about you when you're not around to his work colleagues.

Tbh the school friend thing does sound like a line but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. At least he cares enough about your feelings to be sensitive to your signals and your feelings. A few cursory glances at a beautiful person is meaningless.

@premium77

I look at attractive women and I’m a heterosexual women. Sometimes you just can’t help it. Unless it’s literal ogling (to the point of making the woman on the receiving end uncomfortable) then I see no harm done. It’s hard not to look at attractive people!

This is true!

You are currently too dependent on him and your relationship with him. You need to get to a place where you are happy in and by yourself, irrespective of what happens with him.

Basically you need to enhance your self-worth and create a satisfying life that would still be there if things don't work out with him.

I would suggest counselling to get to the bottom of what is making you feel so insecure and how to address your anxious over-thinking.

Also read some books about self-esteem, such as The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem.

'Comparison is the thief of joy' - you sound like you need a big confidence boost Op- I'm sure your lovely, your partner sounds committed to you (engagement rings?) and your relationship strong- why do you not see yourself as good enough?

Photos lie! We often look at them and our minds go straight to the bits we're unhappy or insecure about, not seeing them as others would. If your feeling down about yourself right now you won't see the beauty others do.

Can you talk through how your feeling with someone close irl?

Well you have been with him for six years. Does he usually look at other women like that? If it’s a regular occurrence I wouldn’t be happy. If it was a one-off and he seems to have an explanation, then accept it. You sound very insecure but is he doing anything else to make you doubt him?

I believe you when you say you’ve notice him glancing multiple times at multiple women.

Everyone naturally looks at attractive people, I do and I’ve notice my DH glancing at attractive women, but not repeatedly, multiple times to the point that I’ve made a point of noticing it iyswim?

I think he said something the other night because he’d noticed you’d gone quiet, and he knew exactly why that was.

You thought the woman was younger than him, but he said he thought it was someone that was a few years above him at school?

It’s not a great sign that you feel you have to hide how upset his behaviour makes you and you’re obviously looking for a whole bunch of people to tell you that it’s something all men do. They don’t. My husband has never, on a romantic night for two, or any other time, repeatedly glanced at another attractive women that much that I’ve ended up in tears.

Also you should def be confident enough in your relationship at this stage to be able to indignantly say ‘oi dickhead what the hell are you looking at???’ Rather than mewling in a bathroom.

You’ve got him on a massive pedestal.

You can love and fancy one person and want to be with them for the rest of your life (🤞 for a proposal for you, OP), and it's still entirely normal to notice and look at other attractive people. It's just human nature, and unless is leery and lecherous, it doesn't mean anything.

As PPs have said, it sounds like you need to focus on ways of improving your confidence and self esteem, OP, so you felt less affected by all these issues and also more able to express yourself and talk to your partner about how you feel.

I find that when I have someone - anyone - on a massive pedestal - where can neither be or do any anything wrong at all - it’s both a symbol of my own anxiety and insecurity and also a huge damage and disservice to myself.

Agree with others, I think you are more focused on looks and your perception of attractiveness - his, yours, other peoples, than he is.

Honestly being good looking is so subjective. 2 of my friends are married to people who they bang on about being gorgeous and out of their league. I don’t don’t see it, they are both nice men but not likely to stop traffic. Some families get in a weird cycle of thinking someone is amazing looking.
Also being good looking isn’t the same as having a wondering eye. Maybe your partner is George Clooney esk but that doesn’t mean he’s looking elsewhere. You should be able to share your fears with him though.

This is not about him. It's about you. Repeat after me: "I am bloody beautiful inside and out." Be kind to yourself and find the things that boost you.

I found myself openly staring at a great pair of boobs walking towards me on the high street today and I’m a totally heterosexual woman. I had to force myself to stop staring! It’s just human nature to look at other people, particularly attractive ones.

this is all about your own (quite unattractive and tiring to be honest) insecurity

Thank you for all your comments, to answer a few points/questions

The reason why I didn't bring it up with him, which is really not like me, was because at that time I didn't really trust my own judgement or emotions as for the last few months, I have lost my confidence, I dont think I am ageing well and its very shallow but I just haven't felt great. I am also due on and I can get emotional and if I do bring it up, i want to be able to trust my judgement and be able to explain myself without bursting into tears like I would have at the time. I also don't want to come across insecure and I suppose controlling, without good reason. Generally we are both pretty good at expressing our concerns/worries and nipping things in the bud early. This scenario has confused me tbh, I'm not used to feeling this way or feeling how vulnerable I did that night.

In 6 years its not something I recall having an issue with or noticing tbh. At the same time, I have to put my hands up and admit that I look out for it, I.e if I see a pretty woman I look at him to see whether he has noticed, I recognise that this isn't normal or healthy. Although I do think he does on occasion look over at them more than a handful of times which does make me uncomfortable.