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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me analyse this colleague relationship

26 replies

Sparkai · 08/06/2021 15:45

Looking for a few opinions on this situation, because I seem to be seeing it differently to the group of friends I happened to mention this to last night.

There is a man at work, who I previously would have described as a “friendly colleague”. We would have generic “how was your weekend?” chats and have a high level idea what was going on in each other’s lives. Eg, he would mention that he had split with a partner, and I would say “sorry to hear that” but not go into details. That sort of thing. I have been in the same relationship for the whole time that I knew this man (my friends say that this is relevant), until now. This is representative of how I am with most of my colleagues, I don’t tend to have close-confidant friends at work.

My relationship actually broke down a few months ago, but it’s taken a while to actually practically move out, which I did recently.

Not long after the break up, my colleague asked how things were going, and I told him that I had broken up with my partner. This wasn’t intentional, I wasn’t intending on telling anyone at work, and certainly not when I did as it was all still quite raw at the time. But I had been going through the process of telling friends and it just came out. I didn’t go into details and asked him to be discreet.

Since then, this colleague and I have been talking more. We have a few recurring meetings each week together (coordinate the same tasks across different sites, so we don’t work together but overlap on a couple of things we both need to be aware of) and he will check in with me then about how I am. And also just more involved general conversation about each of our lives (hobbies, interests, that sort of thing). He has offered to be an ear if I needed to offload at any point and also practical help at times.

The last day we were both in the same office before my moving date, he gave me a small moving present (nothing keepsake-y or costly), but the sort of thing you would take to a friends house when you went to visit for the first time. This surprised me because if the situation was reversed I would not have done the same thing.

My friends think I am being thick and this man fancies me. I just thought a colleague relationship was just becoming more friendly (but the gift has given made me think). We don’t talk outside of work (and don’t have each other’s personal contact details), or indeed much outside of the scheduled meetings. What does the wisdom of MN think?!

OP posts:
giletrouge · 08/06/2021 15:52

Fancies you but is being cautious and wants a stronger signal from you.
Do you fancy him?

Whatifitallgoesright · 08/06/2021 16:03

Does he make your fanjo tingly?

Sparkai · 08/06/2021 18:55

Arg. So you both think he fancies me?!

He would definitely be my type in principle. But i know he has a partner, so I would never ever go there. Plus I am completely not in the right headspace for starting a new relationship, my head is still fucked from my last one.

My friends also asked me if he ever mentions his partner in conversation and i hadn't noticed, but he doesn't. It's always "I did x" not "we". That's also not good is it?

OK, so now I just need to decide how quickly to back pedal without making things awkward...

OP posts:
Facelikeanose · 08/06/2021 19:01

He sounds lovely. Has a partner but hides it and you think he’s all that. Confused

ToastedFrog · 08/06/2021 19:01

If you KNOW he has a partner you should try to limit your interactions. Whether he fancies you or not, or what pronouns he uses, is irrelevant

Facelikeanose · 08/06/2021 19:02

My ex did this. Take it from me, don’t date someone that hides a partner.

Spudina · 08/06/2021 19:06

It could just be friendly work banter. I’m quite close with my male colleagues and we talk about personal stuff. I guess time will tell...

Facelikeanose · 08/06/2021 19:08

Will you feel good if he leaves his partner for you?

Sparkai · 08/06/2021 19:08

No, I don't think he is all that at all. Hmm I, unlike most of MN, do have male friends and, until the gift, that is all I thought this might be eventually becoming.

We hardly have deep and meaningful feelings chats, it's all "I went to the pub and mowed the lawn this weekend". And as I have said, I will be backing off now it seems there may be more to it.

Men can behave like shits all on their own you know, they rarely need a woman's encouragement.

OP posts:
Sparkai · 08/06/2021 19:09

Ah @facelikeanose that explains your over reaction.

OP posts:
WineAcademy · 08/06/2021 19:12

Certain dubious characters like to swoop in after someone has had a breakup, shining armour and all that. Maybe this fella is the same.

Tiger2018 · 08/06/2021 19:37

Christ on a bike - all the guy is doing is being kind! He’s recently been through a break up so remembers how shit it can feel and is from my perspective anyway passing the kindness forward by checking in to make sure you are ok.

If it was me I would thank him for his concern and then move convos back to work or the chit chat instead. All good :)

nancybotwinbloom · 08/06/2021 19:39

I agree with @Tiger2018 he just sounds kind.

Sounds like he is just trying to be friends. It would be different if he'd asked for your number etc but I think he is just trying to be friendly.

Sparkai · 08/06/2021 20:08

@tiger2018 and @nancybotwinbloom That would be a relief! Thanks, I hope you're right.

OP posts:
Keha · 08/06/2021 20:18

I think the gift is a step more than a friendly colleague, unless he is just a real gift giver.

FreezeMotherHubbard · 08/06/2021 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreezeMotherHubbard · 08/06/2021 20:25

Yikes wrong thread - self reported...

Peace43 · 08/06/2021 20:38

He sounds a nice guy. He seems to be being kind to you at a tricky time. I wouldn’t assume he fancied me, I’d just enjoy a colleagues friendship.

peboh · 08/06/2021 20:41

I don't think he fancies you, based off the little information you've put in your op. He just seems like a nice friendly guy. Not every male fancies every female.

Facelikeanose · 08/06/2021 22:05

Not over reacting. You’re the one on a public forum analysing a colleague’s use of we or I knowing he has a partner Confused

KitNCaboodle · 08/06/2021 23:18

I’ve been reading the replies with my mouth open. I think he’s being nice. I don’t think he’s trying to get in your knickers. If it was a woman giving a gift in the same situation, would there be the same replies?

MsDogLady · 08/06/2021 23:19

And also just more involved conversation about each of our lives (hobbies, interests, that sort of thing).

Why have you never mentioned his partner during your conversations?

Onthedunes · 09/06/2021 00:43

Why are you analysing this friendship when he has a partner.

You sound like a schoolgirl asking her mates, does he fancy me or not.

Don't be shitty towards his partner, does he have children, or have you not bothered at all asking him about the people he lives with.

MissTrip82 · 09/06/2021 05:52

It doesn’t really matter, does it?

He has a partner. You’re not interested in anyone who has a partner. End of story.

Surprised someone accustomed to male friends has never had a low-key gift from one of them at a difficult time before.

wombatspoopcubes · 09/06/2021 11:45

He doesn't sound like he is after you at the moment. He sounds kind. At my previous job we would give gifts or help out with other colleagues life changing events. I worked there for 10 years so there were plenty of divorces during that time. It was just people being kind to each other.