I’ve NC for this as it’s quite specific and don’t want it linked to my other posts.
Well, I guess I should start at the beginning but it maybe quite long winded, sorry.
DH’s dad was abusive towards MIL for many years - physically, emotionally and financially. He repeatedly cheated on her.
When DH was 4/5 his dad pushed him down the stairs which resulted in him going through a window that was at the bottom, luckily he escaped with relatively minor injuries. This was the catalyst for MIL to leave. They left with just the clothes on their back.
MIL managed to build a life for her, DH and BIL (who was around 3 when they fled). DH dad never contributed financially or had much contact.
When DH was 16 his dad tried to punch him, DH got in first with a punch and his dad fell through a table.
DH for his own reasons has always always tried to maintain contact, albeit from a distance.
When I fell pregnant with DD1 we told his dad, never heard anything from him after the initial conversation.
When DD1 was born we had many long conversations as to weather DH would even tell his dad, he didn’t want him to be in and out of DD’s life etc. Anyway, when she was around 6wks old DH contacted him to say she was born etc. He seemed really pleased took our address and said he would send a card and arrange a visit - yep, you’ve guessed it he never got back in contact. We didn’t even tell him when DD was born.
He friend requested DH on Facebook (I know) and DH accepted but kept it limited to what he could see and when DH changed his number and let his dad know etc.
Approx 2yrs ago, I was scrolling through Facebook and saw a plea on our closest towns page asking for DH to make himself known to the page via PM as someone was trying to contact him urgently. DH contacted the page and it was a woman who was looking for him as his dad was in hospital and had been diagnosed with terminal cancer - DH pointed out that his dad had his number and was friends with him on Facebook, they could have contacted him another way.
DH and I discussed at length weather he should go and visit his dad, we decided he would. And we decided he would take a picture for his dad to see his grandchildren should he ask about them etc.
DH was with him for several hours and talked about everything, he felt really clearing the air and saying everything he needed to say. His dad asked if he could meet his grandchildren, although he would understand if we said no. DH showed him the picture and he asked to keep it. Again, we had another conversation and agreed he could meet them. DH messaged him, it was read but never had a reply or any further contact.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago, DH received a message from the same woman who originally contacted him to say his dad had died that morning. DH spoke with her and said he would arrange the funeral etc - the woman said no, it was fine they had already done it and when they had the date and time she would let him know.
DH then sent a couple of messages and received no reply, he then received a message that had been sent very late at night saying the funeral was the next day and gave the time. DH decided not to attend as it was clear he wasn’t welcome.
He then received a message asking for our address so that a solicitor could contact us about DH (and BIL) inheritance.
He has now received another message for him to go to the house to collect all of the paperwork, apparently this was on the advice of the solicitor.
This woman has been nothing but kind to DH dad and from stuff she has said has been told a completely different story of not only MIL leaving but the whole relationship between DH dad and him.
DH is grieving - which has come as a complete shock to him, he thought he had sometime ago. And I’m swinging between anger and absolute rage for him. When he collects the papers I want to go with him to be supportive, but I know I cannot be trusted not to say what I feel about DH dad (who I’ve never met).
I know there are 3 sides to every story but equally I do know how hard DH had tried to have a relationship with his DH and the more he rejected him the more DH needed the relationship. I know I would be unreasonable to say to both DH and the lady who looked after his dad what I really feel. The thing that hurts DH the most is he was part of their family with their children and grandchildren and that’s what DH wanted.
I’m so sorry this is so long and if you’ve got this far, thank you.