Coercive control..do you ever get over it?

[NotTheMeIWantToBe]

Just that really. I spent some years in a very bad relationship and managed to get out four years ago. My head was badly mixed up, I doubted my own sanity by the time we split and was probably right. I'd been living like a prisoner for so long.
I've come quite far I think, after we split I would physically shake if I was in a room other than the lounge on my own as that wouldn't have been "allowed"..as in it would cause a row "what was I doing? was I sneaking off to chat up men on my phone?didn't I love him enough to sit next to him all night? Why couldn't I show him enough attention? I didn't love him so he'd find someone who would, why was I taking so long in the loo? I was a terrible partner, a sneaky bitch who thought she was clever leaving no evidence in my phone. Well you get the idea. It was hell in so many ways. It still affects me and I find sometimes little things can turn me into a gibbering wreck. Something as silly as sitting in the garden (also not allowed). I think people mistake it for still having feelings for him which I dont and they cant understand why certain things still get to me, why I fall apart with fear over insignificant things. But this was the person (I wont call him a man) who would call me a lying bitch with a filthy house because he came home to a single dog hair on the floor, (after i'd hoovered the whole house twice, newsflash, dogs shed hairs) he threw a blind slat in my face just because it had broken (it looks FUCKING STUPID now). Many things. He would kick off over nothing. I am still permanently on edge. I can go in other rooms now but there's still so many things that terrify me. I wish I could forget it all but no, its still there in the background. Has anyone else felt like this?

I got over it after EMDR therapy...it is life changing and helps you process trauma. Recommended to me on mn...i cannot thank the therapist enough. Google it.

You can get over it - and you will
But it takes time
Be kind to yourself and accept any support you can find
You are free !

Following with interest. I have PTSD after leaving a controlling marriage. I don't think I will ever be able to trust a man again.

It definitely sounds like PTSD. I’m so sorry you went through that. I second the recommendation for EMDR therapy - it was life changing for me too. And/or you could approach your GP who might have other ideas to help (the other approach the NHS recommends is trauma-focussed CBT and in some areas it or EMDR are available on the NHS).

Definitely sounds like PTSD or C-PTSD.

What you went through sounds absolutely awful. I'm so sorry you experienced that.

A psychiatrist explained to me that when we are under huge threat, our brain kind of shuts off normal function because its just concentrating on "survive". So the things that happen when we're in that state, they don't get processed as normal memories. They are literally stored in a different part of the brain, and this means they suddenly recur to you when there is a trigger of some sort (like being alone in a certain room, as per your OP.) it also means that the memories can return to you and its almost like re-living it, whereas a "normal" memory will be far less intense, and you're able to stop thinking about it.

I really recommend that you get into therapy with someone who is experienced in abuse recovery. Q

(My own experience is PTSD from being abused as a child. I've had some awful relationships as an adult but thankfully none that have left me with a "hangover" so to speak.)

@malificent7 me too. I would highly recommend talking therapy which helped me a lot but EMDR was really life changing for me. I looked at the NHS website for impartial information on it, so that might be a good place to start. The other thing is time. I was very angry and on edge for maybe 12 months and in a very traumatic space. You've been through a lot and it will take you time to process everything. I also found over time I realised how abusive some of his behaviours were so it is a bit of a journey to come out the other side. Good luck.

I went through a similar adjustment period (over years). There are still things that really stir up the fear and initially when I met my current partner i'd ask his permission all the time, can I go to sleep? Is it ok if I eat this etc etc. It does get easier in time but I think having some therapy and finding someone to talk your experiences through with is really valuable. There was so much I couldn't say at the time and it still feels like a secret even to myself, having someone listen and witness my pain has been beneficial to me. I have also heard amazing things about EMDR.

I attended the freedom program (10 years after I had left) for a while and whilst it was really difficult it was comforting to know I wasn't alone and surprisingly there was a lot of humour in that group which helped to see things in a way that I hadn't before.

Thanks all. My issues go way back and stupidly when we were first together I told him things I shouldn't have like how lonely I was as a child and felt trapped. So one of his favourite things to do would be to start a row late at night until I was a sobbing mess, then storm out knowing I couldn't follow him because i'd got two dc in bed. He knew I wouldn't sleep and couldn't phone anyone so would be left with my feelings all night. He also enjoyed starting rows in the car and refusing to let me out, screaming and shouting at me as we went along, and driving faster and faster to scare me. One time I did try to get out as he had to slow for the lights but he saw me take off my seatbelt and slammed on the brakes just hard enough to make me hit my head but not enough to leave any visible damage. He was very clever like that, nothing I could ever prove. These kind of memories will just pop up randomly when I least expect it, walking past the same street etc. I dont want to keep thinking about it! It's gone, done. As someone said though, I think I will find it very hard to trust again and dont want it to ruin my chances of having a good relationship if I meet someone.

Also watching with interest. I finally got my partner to leave after 4 years of being criticised, continually accused of having affairs, diaries read etc.

The memories can also be triggered for me. I feel a lump of wool in my throat and pain in my fingers and toes. It's hard.

But I've written some down to try to get them out of my head. And also I am trying to do something constructive to write over them. Eg I was shouted at for leaving the curtains half open and half shut....they had to be one or the other....so I have deliberately done that and left them for hours.

It's hard. It wasn't your fault. I agree on finding someone to talk to properly and am also doing The Freedom Programme. Xx

Being "trapped" is a huge trigger for me and its a tactic many abusers use. Your description of being trapped in the car is terrifying. It would be a miracle if you escaped a relationship like that and DIDN'T have issues!