Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Should I tell my (now) boss that I’m attracted to him?

50 replies

CroissantwithCheese · 07/06/2021 22:26

So I feel really silly saying this, but I am really attracted to my boss and don’t know whether to say something or not! I met him when he started at my company a couple of years ago. We developed a good friendship over time and he was a huge emotional support recently when I moved out of the flat I shared with my ex. He’s never made a move but I feel so much chemistry between us. I think he wouldn’t have because he’s respectful and I was going through a breakup. He asked me recently if I felt I was ready for a new relationship. I said I was. We were both talking about how we know more now what we want from a relationship. It’s so easy to talk to him. He just became my manager a few weeks ago. I love working with him every day but I can’t stop fantasizing about getting together with him. If I say something and he isn’t into it, it’ll be mortifying! Talk some sense into me please! What should I do?

OP posts:

TacCat49 · 08/06/2021 02:36

As he is your manager he would be a fool to get involved with someone who reports to him. An imbalance of power here and HR will have a field day if/when something goes wrong. Also, your workmates will give you a wide berth. They know that anything they do or say will possibly get relayed to their boss. Unless you change jobs its best not to persue a relationship.

Gothichouse40 · 08/06/2021 02:55

No, you will end up being water cooler gossip fodder. Apart from anything else it's not a good idea to get romantically involved with the boss. People start to get resentful and while it may be wine and roses at the start of the relationship, if it goes wrong, it makes it very awkward not just for you, but your colleagues. Workplace romances generally end up with one or other person either wanting a transfer or leaving the company. If you like/value your job,don't get involved with your boss.

FlowerArranger · 08/06/2021 03:09

No, please don't!
And stop talking about personal stuff.
You must be totally professional.
Anything else could create an awkward situation and could potentially even put your job at risk.
And for heaven's sake, don't follow Secondcityshark's advice...

TeddingtonTrashbag · 08/06/2021 03:46

At least you can look forward to going to work each day

I’m impressed you have the energy for lust with two small children and buying a hiuse…!

Original poster

CroissantwithCheese · 08/06/2021 08:19

@TeddingtonTrashbag so am I! I had zero lust the last 2 years, but now it’s coming back :)

OP posts:

Original poster

CroissantwithCheese · 08/06/2021 08:21

Totally agree with everyone who said it’s an imbalance of power. @FlowerArranger unfortunately we have been talking about personal stuff for a couple of years already. That’s why I don’t feel like he’s my boss really. We are close outside of work. But yes, I know w should be professional at work and avoid any awkwardness for us or the team.

OP posts:

Surfingwaves · 08/06/2021 08:24

He's got more to lose by making a move so I think neither of you will. The boss can't hit on his staff. It's sad that neither of you will because you could be a great couple!

TheFlis12345 · 08/06/2021 08:26

One on my team had a few drinks at a work do and told me he liked me. We have been married for 4 years now! Our situation was less complicated though and we both had less to lose.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 08/06/2021 08:27

If you enjoy your job then I absolutely would not. Workplace relationships are a massive gamble and especially if he's your line manager. What if you went on a couple of dates then found out he was shit in bed? How awkward would it then be?

Bluntness100 · 08/06/2021 08:30

If he’s your manager then it’s unlikely you will both be able to remain in position if anything occured between you, most companies will not permit that, and it would be highly unprofessional of him to start a relationship with a member of his team.

austrian · 08/06/2021 09:09

For the love of God, don't do it 😱If he likes you he will make a move

Because he's the man or because he's her boss? Neither of those make this good advice. Women are allowed to make the first move, as it's not 1950, and also as her boss he's less likely to make a move, since it's potentially risking crossing lines towards sexual harassment or breaching workplace rules.

seensome · 08/06/2021 09:40

See him as a supportive friend/boss think yourself lucky he's nice to work for but I don't think anything will come of it, keep the fantasy secret, he's your boss! As others have said he would be awkward and if things didn't work out then you might be out of a job or very unhappy.
I think even if he did cross the line and ask you out, that's creepy and unprofessional IMO who would want to get involved with a boss like that.

Sakurami · 08/06/2021 10:37

There's no rush. You're just out of a relationship and finding your feet and you may be feeling like you have to find someone asap.

In fact, you're better off being independent and happy and then being open to a relationship because you're more likely to choose someone better for you.

Carry on enjoying the friendship and your work and if it is meant to develop, it will, even if it takes a while.

Persipan · 08/06/2021 10:45

@CroissantwithCheese

Totally agree with everyone who said it’s an imbalance of power. *@FlowerArranger* unfortunately we have been talking about personal stuff for a couple of years already. That’s why I don’t feel like he’s my boss really. We are close outside of work. But yes, I know w should be professional at work and avoid any awkwardness for us or the team.

The thing is, he is now your boss. Which makes all the discussions about personal stuff inappropriate going forward. Not just at work - at all. Close friendships between a boss and a member of staff are just as inappropriate as intimate relationships are. It's awkward to rearrange those boundaries when there's an existing relationship, of whatever kind, but you both need to back off from it totally now he's managing you. Sorry, I know that's not really the dream - but it is the reality.

Mermaidwaves · 08/06/2021 10:50

Be wary! I had a male colleague who was very supportive during my marriage breakdown, complimented me all the time, heartfelt conversations in work time, lots of flirting. I thought he liked me and that there was potential.

He also started doing this with another female colleague, he suddenly became cold to me and dropped me completely, hes now pursuing her hotly.

I think some men enjoy flirting and female attention at work, it livens up the day for them. He's told you he wants to stay single so I think he's telling you there, men often will spell things out for us but we don't want to listen, our hearts tell us otherwise, don't rush in telling him it could backfire

RedSted · 08/06/2021 11:03

Speaking as a woman who ended up marrying her former manager I feel your exquisite pain! What I will say is that if you've come out of a bad relationship then kindness can be very intoxicating indeed. Also, there's an illicit element to the attraction, and an imbalance of power as well, which is definitely fuel to the fire of a starved libido! Definitely enjoy your lovely, re-awakening feelings, but personally I'd recommend keeping them to yourself for now and treading very, very carefully. If it's meant to be it will happen. Remember as well that his new role may explicitly forbid him from having relationships with members of staff that are junior to him- my relationship with DH only very tentatively started when he was on the verge of leaving the company. Talking to DH about it afterwards we had both been simmering for each other for a very long time! There were so many professional ramifications though that we both knew we couldn't risk it until our work situation changed.

Janaih · 08/06/2021 11:11

Enjoy the anticipation and each others company in a professional capacity for now.
This is what work Christmas parties are for!

Yellowcrockpot · 08/06/2021 11:29

Don't shit where you eat.
I did, and jumped in, ended up loosing everything and even 10 years on, I still regret it.
I made myself look at right fool.
I learned my lesson the hard way, it was absolutely not worth it.

greenleader · 08/06/2021 13:39

'If he likes you he will make a move'

Seriously? If he is even remotely competent as a manager he will do nothing of the sort. #metoo, imbalance of power, in any significantly sized companythis would be the sort of predatory behaviour that would have him in HR so fast his feet would not touch the ground.

VeganVeal · 08/06/2021 17:06

Go for it OP or you'll end up regretting it!

Original poster

CroissantwithCheese · 08/06/2021 20:12

I had a (virtual) meeting with him today and he was flirting with me for sure. I think we definitely have the hots for each other. But, I value my job and I won’t make any moves. If he makes a move though, we can talk about the risk :)

OP posts:

carlywurly · 08/06/2021 20:26

HR here so I automatically disapprove. It's a bloody minefield that you're wandering into. He'd be taking a real risk and I've had words with managers I've seen heading this way.

Be prepared that one of you will need to move jobs or teams. You can't report to a romantic partner. It's not fair or appropriate for anyone involved.

Pre my sensible days I'd have handled this by engineering a social situation, getting chatting and flirting outrageously. I remember a former boss hitting on me in a similar scenario. (Nothing happened, I just couldn't, it was too weird)

OverTheRubicon · 08/06/2021 21:39

@CroissantwithCheese

If he makes a move, though, he's a dodgy manager. A good bloke who knows that his direct report is a single mother, just coming out of a bad relationship and trying to buy a house doesn't try something.

If you really feel it's forever, one of you needs to leave the job first.

Original poster

CroissantwithCheese · 08/06/2021 22:21

@OverTheRubicon is he though? I've known him for two years, and he wasnt my manager during that time - we were equals. We know each other very well outside of work and have shared a lot about our relationships and personal lives. He made sure I got a good position and good salary when I came back to work. He's been looking out for me for ages. Now he is my manager, and yes, that complicates things. But I don't think it makes him a bad manager. I think what he's done so far makes him a great person.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/06/2021 22:46

[quote CroissantwithCheese]@OverTheRubicon is he though? I've known him for two years, and he wasnt my manager during that time - we were equals. We know each other very well outside of work and have shared a lot about our relationships and personal lives. He made sure I got a good position and good salary when I came back to work. He's been looking out for me for ages. Now he is my manager, and yes, that complicates things. But I don't think it makes him a bad manager. I think what he's done so far makes him a great person.[/quote]
@OverTheRubicon's point is exactly that. He may have behaved perfectly decently and kindly, he may be genuinely lovely. It's the if he was to make a move that would make him a dodgy manager.

Flip

1 2