Relationships

[MoonAndStarsAndMagic]

I know I'm not the only one in this position but it's really getting me down today.

I'm middle aged with two older children and I'm autistic.

I don't have any relationships of note other than with my children.

No other family - both my parents were only children. One is dead and I'm nc with the other following ongoing emotional abuse. I've had therapy.

No close friends but a few acquaintances who I get on well with when I see them but see very rarely. If I don't make contact first, I never hear from them.

No boyfriend or any relationship of note to speak of ever really.

Just wondering how I ever managed to get it all so wrong.

Well are there other things in life you enjoy? Hobbies? Work? Ect... life is about more than other ppl. And if you try to get put more and do things you enjoy, maybe you6ll meet more people. And some might make suitable friends.

And the thing about friends and partners is: it only takes meeting one to have one. Who knows what tomorrow might bring.

Honestly 99.9% of people you meet in your life are just passing through it anyway though so I wouldn't get too hung up about it.

Just because you havent got ppl you like around atm, doesn't mean you've failed in any way. It's just a stopgap.

Interesting take on it umbrella.

I’m in a similar position except for the boyfriend. I see mine 3 nights a week but otherwise have no family or friends and no real hobbies as such.

I can’t add any value to your thread as I have no idea how to improve things but I didn’t want to read and run

@Umberellatheweatha

I agree. And remember those images you see online etc of everyone having fun with lots of friends are often not real/very infrequent - this isn't the norm. Seeing friends a handful of times a year is reality for most parents.

Do things you enjoy, there's also apps for friendship (as well as relationships). Join a choir, volunteer ... I don't have any "friends" where I live but I have a lovely life, admittedly I have a dp but I would do lots without him too

Yes, I have hobbies and interests and I volunteer. My hobbies are sociable ones amd I meet a number of people through them - eg mostly music and dance but also things like yoga.

I don't have loads of people on my social media and know them all well enough to.know which of them are presenting the truth amd which are presenting a fantasy.

Part of the problem is that I don't know any other single women and I also know which of the ones are happy in their relationships amd which are less so but maintaining the image on the whole. I'm not stupid - I know that if friends posts photos of a night out it doesn't mean it's happening every night but, unless they are photoshopping their photos amd tagging people who are complicit, it's happening frequently. Most of the women I know have adult children or children in their teens so they're not stuck in every night bringing up babies, children and pre-teens.

I have volunteered in different capacities since I was a teeenager.

So I do get out a lot and meet a lot of people or I did pre covid. I'm happy in my own company and go to festival, gigs and out for dinner on my own.

So glad to see that you are volunteering and out and about. Forget social media, as you said, its a lot of photos of snapshots of nights and and days out, then they return to normal lives. I have built a strong friendship group (it took work and time). I would host lunch\dinner\drinks and nibbles afternoons\evenings (depending on children). I was a single mum at the time and invited married couples and other single friends so it was a mixture of everyone. Where is the father of your children? Can he have then for the weekend, if not dont let that stop you hosting in your home. Once you get the courage to start hosting you can begin to build friendships and you will hopefully get return invites. You say you have autism and I understand that hosting a busy, noisy lunch or dinner may overload your senses but see if you can do it? I also do a lot of dance, music and yoga etc. I have been a member of a theatrical society for years. It was through the society that I have made the most amazing friends. Doing yoga in class or my drumming only exposed me to people in a class situation. If you join a group then you work together to put on shows and there are social event s linked to them too. It might be an area you could explore?

Thanks. Don't want to say too much but the dance and music activities I'm involved with are very sociable. I've met a lot of people and arranged luches out with some but I'm not really able to progress past the acquaintance stage.

I really struggle with having people in my house. I've recently moved and want to change this. I do find it overwhelming though and previous attempts have triggered meltdowns and shutdowns but, now I understand this better, I can prepare better to minimise them.

I used to be involved with a choir and joined the committee with a view to getting more involved with the organisational side. I worked with them to become a charity and was on the board of trustees but I left 3 years ago and, after having a group of 12 friends I socialised and holidayed with frequently, I'm now in touch with 1 occasionally.

I think I misread cues or something but don't realise and it pisses people off. Rather than saying something, they just don't bother.

It would be less upsetting, I think, if I had family around or a partner but I don't have those either. And I think not having a partner or film would bother me less if I had a good network of friends.

My children are older. One has left home and one is 15. I'm very conscious that I haven't provided them with people around them growing up and whilst the eldest struggled socially while at home, he has formed some good friends since going to university. The youngest has had good friends in the past but seems to be struggling at bit at the moment too. I feel really guilty about that

Me and my ex have been seeing each other again recently and it’s been going well, but I have trust issues as I’ve been cheated on in the past which he knows about.
Even though he knows this, he still has people that he has hooked up with on his Snapchat that still message him asking to hookup! When I ask him about this he says he can’t be bothered to go through and delete them all one by one and tells me that he doesn’t open the messages at all which confuses me as why would you want to keep someone that’s asking for a hookup all the time if you’re in a committed relationship with someone else?
I can be quite naive sometimes and I’m very anxious/clingy because of past trauma but I speak to him about this, so he knows what I’m like!
Idk if I’m just being paranoid or I should be really concerned!?
Recently he’s been acting off with me and I had a feeling he was up to no good so instead of causing a massive argument, I decided to download Grindr to see if he was on there and he was and he was online.

When I confronted him about this, he denied it and turned it around on me that it’s my fault for looking and made me be the bad guy for not trusting him, saying its a fake profile, even though it says the profile is in his area, like the exact location.

I understand I shouldn’t have gone onto Grindr and just trusted him but as I found something I think it’s justified?!
I can’t talk to him about it as he gets defensive and just says I don’t trust him!

I don’t think I should have to trust him with the ex hookups on his Snapchat, as they shouldn’t be there right?

I’d love to hear some opinions as I do love him a lot but I don’t know if it’s causing me more harm than good

@Ltaylor978
I used to know somebody who acted like this, their behaviour was identical to how you describe, the denials, the deflecting, turning it all around so it was my fault for finding out about all his profiles on dating sites and the like. It only got worse over the 3 years I put up with it. My mental health suffered and put many more nails in the dating coffin.

Thankyou for taking the time to reply!

Luckily we have now stopped seeing eachother and are only being civil with one another because we have mutual friends.

I think we are just a toxic match for anything other than a civil friendship as we’re too similar in certain ways and have very stubborn personalities.

Thanks again!

Have you ever tried joining a women's rugby group? They're hugely social.