This makes me sound like a jealous twat

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/06/2021 21:34

Preferring your children is completely normal and as it should be. My husband isn't even in the same ballpark as my kids - I love them a million times more. The rest isn't nice though and you don't sound happy. Are there good sides to the relationship?

Regularsizedrudy · 07/06/2021 22:06

Why do you feel like a maid? Because he isn’t doing his fair share?

Doyoumind · 07/06/2021 22:09

It sounds like this is about a lack of respect. It's not wrong for him to prioritise the DC but you deserve to be loved and respected and if you aren't you're allowed to end the relationship.

HollowTalk · 07/06/2021 22:10

@ShinyGreenElephant

Preferring your children is completely normal and as it should be. My husband isn't even in the same ballpark as my kids - I love them a million times more. The rest isn't nice though and you don't sound happy. Are there good sides to the relationship?

Sorry, but this isn't "completely normal." It might be the case for you and your family but whatever happened to the family being a team, where all people are equally loved?

Catlo · 07/06/2021 22:16

It absolutely isn't about children being more important, the love of a relationship and the love for children are 2 completely different feelings!
Despite him prioritising your children as I'm sure you do to, you are important and he should be putting you all at the top of his list! After all, without you, those bambinos wouldn't exist 😊 mum and dad should be a team!
Be happy, you're not the skivvy and you're just as important as the children! I was made to feel like the 50's housewife for 5 years so I'm now an extremely happy single mum!! Who let's the house get messy with no one to answer to! (apart from my 10year old son) 😂

DixonD · 07/06/2021 22:38

It’s the opposite with us. I prioritise our child, and DH prioritises me.

The difference is, I still treat my DH with respect and look after him. I make time to be with him and we enjoy being alone together. I’d never be mean to him.

Have you talked to him about how you feel?

Sunflower1970 · 07/06/2021 22:40

@ShinyGreenElephant

Preferring your children is completely normal and as it should be. My husband isn't even in the same ballpark as my kids - I love them a million times more. The rest isn't nice though and you don't sound happy. Are there good sides to the relationship?

Bit worrying! When the kids leave what are you left with as a couple? Everybody should feel they are loved equally in a family

Melitza · 07/06/2021 22:43

@ShinyGreenElephant

Preferring your children is completely normal and as it should be. My husband isn't even in the same ballpark as my kids - I love them a million times more. The rest isn't nice though and you don't sound happy. Are there good sides to the relationship?

Does your dh know this?

sunnyzweibrucken · 08/06/2021 00:59

ShinyGreenElephant
Preferring your children is completely normal and as it should be. My husband isn't even in the same ballpark as my kids - I love them a million times more. The rest isn't nice though and you don't sound happy. Are there good sides to the relationship?

I feel sorry for your husband

MurryFuff · 08/06/2021 06:26

@Regularsizedrudy

Why do you feel like a maid? Because he isn’t doing his fair share?

He works away a lot with his job. When working here he does long hours. It's the industry he works on and I knew that when I married him.

I've sacrificed my career. My work has to revolve around school drop off / pick up
hours.

He shows me little respect, rarely wants sex and I just feel like a skivvy, yes.

booboo24 · 08/06/2021 06:31

The love for your children and the love for your husband/wife are different and not comparable in ny mind. The love of my children is unconditional, they are my priority, and I love them to pieces, but I aso loved their dad to pieces, there didn't feel like there was a sliding scale, just a different kind of love i suppose, all equally important to me.

You shouldn't feel unimportant, and there should be times when even the priorities are different and you should come first, you should be a team, and the family as one should be his priority. Does he know you feel this way?

wombatspoopcubes · 08/06/2021 07:01

My DH and I both prioritise our DD. So that works out equally.

ShinyGreenElephant · 08/06/2021 08:12

I stand corrected! I didnt realise people loved their husbands the same as their kids - or I did but I thought it was unusual. For me, I love my kids unconditionally, absolutely and forever, whereas if my husband was to hit me for example or drink drive and kill someone, that would be it and as sad as I would be, I'd be done with him. My kids are forever and I would support them through absolutely anything. Also, when my husband works away for a week I miss him and I'm excited to see him when he gets back. When my DD12 goes away with her dad or her friends for a week I feel physically sick and if part of me is missing the whole time shes away. There's absolutely no comparison for me and I honestly thought that was standard. Everyone's different I suppose, maybe I'm just an evil wife!

EarringsandLipstick · 08/06/2021 08:23

Shiny I don't know if it's the same, as the relationship is different, but I do think it's important to feel that you love equally within your family.

Absolutely your love for your children is unconditional, which is different. But valuing & loving a partner equally I think is important. (I'm actually a single parent, so what do I know? 😀)

About OP, that's not about your DH loving the kids more. He's not respecting you, or working in partnership with you, and that's not ok. Have you explained how you feel?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/06/2021 08:23

redine

No this is not normal at all but it is normal in families where emotional abuse towards the mother features.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships from you two?. Is this really the model of a relationship you want them to be seeing and potentially emulating themselves as adults?.

I do not think he adores his children at all, these types only adore their own self. He is damaging his kids emotionally by doing that to you and in turn them. They are certainly seeing mixed messages and your kids are likely picking up on all the discrepancies as to how their dad treats you as their mum.

Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. His history of "occasional emotional nastiness" towards you and your MH issues are most likely connected with your H being the root cause.

Again how can you be helped here?. Writing about him on here is a good start so I would urge you to keep going.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 08/06/2021 08:36

Love for your children: unconditional
Love for a romantic partner: conditional.
I will always love my DS, even when I dislike his behaviour. I grew to dislike all my exes behaviours, and that led to the love draining out of the relationship.

But I think the bigger issue for you OP is that you feel like you're at the bottom of the pile. Can you give an example of when your H has prioritised the DC over you? Or is it in what he's said?

ToastedFrog · 08/06/2021 08:41

A romantic love is very very different from a parent-child love. Reading your posts (was there a NC fail?) seems like the issue is not your DH loving your children more, but not having any respect or love for you.

Your children are not your competition.

PegasusReturns · 08/06/2021 08:42

Agree it’s normal to love and prioritise your DC more than your DH, I’m always a bit troubled by mother’s in particular who say they love their DC and DH equally.

My love for my DH is conditional and completely different to that which I have for my DC. I’d choose my DC over my DH in a heartbeat. He knows this and understands why.

PegasusReturns · 08/06/2021 08:43

OP I don’t think it’s loving the DC more that’s the issue it’s treating you like you’re bottom of the pile. If if a parent loves the DC more that doesn’t mean their partner shouldn’t be loved and cherished.

Mylittlesandwich · 08/06/2021 09:05

It's a very different kind of love you have for your children. For example my 18 month old can behave terribly and it doesn't impact the love I feel for him at all. I expect this will always be the case, I won't always love what he does but I'll love him fiercely.
The love I have for my DH is more based on shared experiences and a bond that grew over time. If he was to to change and treat me poorly I think I would over time love him less.
The issue is that your DH doesn't treat you with respect by the sounds of it and that's not right.

tinysundancer · 08/06/2021 09:23

Could you tell him how you feel? It is easy to slide in to family life / routines /roles with in the household. You need a 'date night' or some quality time together to make you feel valued. Can any family baby sit for a night? It is great he adores your children and is investing time with them - sounds like you just need a bit of TLC

YellowMonday · 08/06/2021 09:39

I firmly believe that parents need to be prioritised, bearing in mind it's a different type of love.

I believe it is not heathy for children to grow up feeling they are the centre of their parents world. I knew I was loved and cherished by my parents, but I also knew I wasn't the be all and end all! I had a beautiful childhood and as an adult I have a fantastic relationship and friendship with them.

I also strongly believe it is our role to teach children what a healthy relationship is and how women should be treated by men. It won't be perfect and it's ok to argue, but no respect or love is dire. Has your husband considered the long impact of his behaviour to your kids?

I could not accept being treated that way by my partner. That's not a partnership. Have you sat down and had a conversation with him? You need to share your feelings, look into marriage counselling.

MurryFuff · 08/06/2021 19:56

@AttilaTheMeerkat

redine

No this is not normal at all but it is normal in families where emotional abuse towards the mother features.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships from you two?. Is this really the model of a relationship you want them to be seeing and potentially emulating themselves as adults?.

I do not think he adores his children at all, these types only adore their own self. He is damaging his kids emotionally by doing that to you and in turn them. They are certainly seeing mixed messages and your kids are likely picking up on all the discrepancies as to how their dad treats you as their mum.

Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. His history of "occasional emotional nastiness" towards you and your MH issues are most likely connected with your H being the root cause.

Again how can you be helped here?. Writing about him on here is a good start so I would urge you to keep going.

It is emotionally abusive at times, yes.

But, according to him, it's my mental health that's the cause of everything.

It can be very twisted and very manipulative. And so very fucking complicated.

Equally. I feel It's my fault for allowing it. For being weak. For having diabolical self esteem and for allowing it all to take place.

Saying that. When he's nice he is wonderful. Kind and caring. Yet flip the coin and he can be horrible. He invalidates my feelings at times and has a way of twisting things so it makes me look the bad guy.

He goes away a lot for work. He earns great money and he is well respected in his profession.

I have always taken care of the children and the home , as well as worked part time from home.

My mental health is not good. Hideous anxiety disorder and depression. I contemplate, at times, taking my own life although love my children too much to ever do that. Instead I have suicide ideation. Often.

Last week I handed in my resignation. I have a new job. Less money but out of the home and I will be with other people. I need this for my mental health.

It's just a massive cycle of shit and goes so much deeper . I'm in my forties so pushing it a bit and I am absolutely stuck in a big rut.

Umberellatheweatha · 08/06/2021 20:00

Sounds like he has made you the scapegoat of the family. And the children the 'golden child'. If this is the case then in time he may begin to play them iff against you. He may already be doing that by acting extra warm and loving towards them and cold af towards you the next moment. If this us the case, get out asap!