Ending a relationship when you still love each other

[Unmappedcountry]

DH and I have just aren't making each other happy anymore. We love each other and generally get along but we just want different things. We've been here a few times over the past couple of years but always ended up back together because it's easier and we do love each other. We need to make a break but it's so hard. Anyone been in a similar situation have any advice? Both late thirties, no DC, been together 15 years. I'm so sad it doesn't work anymore

Could you be together without living together?

You can love someone and still need to leave them. A relationship doesn't have to devolve to the point of hating each other before you need to end it, and things would be much better if people didn't wait that long. You're both unhappy, just move on and wish each other the best.

Ask yourself the question how would you feel if you saw them with someone else. I found that useful to assess my feelings in the low moments in my relationship. It made me want to stay and work things if out. If it doesn’t make you feel that way then you have your answer and, in my opinion, once you know there is no pointing waiting round for a better moment.

My first husband and I split when our son was 2. We still loved each other (still do 16 years later, as in very fond of each other) but we weren't in love. We were both early 30s.

To be honest it was all terribly sad at the time and I don't remember much of 2005, the year we split. But I am absolutely pleased that we did it then, before one of us had an affair or started to bicker and hate each other. We have continued to be friends, and he has always been involved with our son.

It freed us both up to go on to have better relationships after that without nastiness or animosity. In your position I think it would be the sensible thing for you to do rather than drag it out.

Thank you :) I'm not very good at being sad and tend to go for the easy option rather than what is obviously for the best long term. I'll miss him a lot.

Thinking of you OP - it's hard but you both deserve to be happy 💐

@Unmappedcountry I split up with my boyfriend today, we very much still love each other however we want different things are are making each other happy. I’ve never had a break up which hasn’t ended with me intensely disliking them. I actually wish him all the best, and did me.
Happiness is key.

I think if you really love each other you should be able to find a way through. Splitting is the easiest thing to do.

Why aren’t you fighting to be with each other if you feel that strongly?

DH and I are like this. However we have children so we are sticking it out for their sake. Separate bedrooms but we are friends.

We are currently watching TV together on separate sofa's. It's fun but not a romantic relationship anymore.

We haven't discussed it but I imagine neither of us would start another relationship until the children have grown up.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I think if you really love each other you should be able to find a way through. Splitting is the easiest thing to do.

Why aren’t you fighting to be with each other if you feel that strongly?

Yes, this. Also, the grass normally seems much greener than it is, especially after a certain age when most good men are taken and naturally stay in their marriages (most divorces/separations are initiated by women who've finally been ground down by their husbands bad behaviour so a lot of the worst men are those who are available). Have a look at dating threads on here for example.

If you've been out if the dating game, you probably don't realise how hard it is to find a genuinely kind and reasonably looking guy, who you are also compatible with. There's a LOT of dross out there so be very careful about what you're considering throwing away. Plus what's to say you won't feel the same lack of zest with the next guy in the future after the honeymoon period has evaporated? All long term relationships need effort and work and at times, counselling.

It depends on what the issues are, if you want to make it work and if there is a way for you both to be happy. My DH is still very much my DH but it turns out I cannot live with another person so I pretty much date my husband, it’s the only way it works, if we had continued to live in the same house we would be divorced.

I agree with @SarahDarah I had no idea there were so many awful men since I became single. I was married a long time and when I joined OLD last year I discovered that there was a reason most of the men on there were single. The grass isn't always greener and a lot of the decent guys are taken and won't be available.