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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To stay or leave

19 replies

Fernando2020 · 07/06/2021 15:02

I don't know what to do anymore I am just so sad. My partner's moods are very unpredictable and it's starting to wear me down. An example is yesterday. We were getting ready to go out for the afternoon with our ds, and as he was putting him into the car seat the straps got stuck and twisted so he got me to hold him while he untwisted them. When done he says 'you can put him in his seat', ds wasn't keen on being put in the car so was doing his ironing board impression. I took my sunglasses off and put them on top of the car so I could see better. With this he totally lost his shit at me about how dare I put my sunglasses on his precious car. This then escalated to that I never do anything and I never pay for anything. Really nasty. I'm currently on the last 3 months of maternity leave so am not being paid. I'm still putting £300 a month into the joint account from my savings and still paying for half of all grocery shopping. So that definitely doesn't equate to not paying for anything. Ds is quite clingy to me so I'm managing to do the housework just not obviously to his standards. Meals are cooked, washing is done and the house is clean. He told me the other day that I need to dust the windowsills. Back to the point, he was quire aggressive and shouty so I got a bit tearful. Tried to hide it and got in the car and covered my eyes with my sunglasses but he noticed. Me crying is like a red rag to a bull. How dare I be upset, I'm making him feel like a rubbish boyfriend, I need to stop being so sensitive, if I'm going to carry on like that he's going to stop the car and I can go home. This is not the first time he's behaved like this. He's said before if I ever leave him he would kill himself. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried to talk to him about how I feel and that the way he talks to me sometimes is not acceptable but this just makes him angry and we end up arguing. I'm so tempted sometimes just to walk away but we have just renewed the tennancy agreement and I've got no money coming in at the moment apart from an odd kit day. I just feel so stuck.

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 07/06/2021 15:43

You do realise that he won't kill himself if you leave, that is what abusive men say to control their victims.

DinosaurDiana · 07/06/2021 15:47

He is being controlling and emotionally abusive.
If you ever feel scared, phone the police.
Do you have family/friends who you can talk to ?

Biblionerd · 07/06/2021 15:47

He really won't kill himself if you leave, he is emotionally manipulating you, he sounds like an abusive gaslighter who needs help in some way. Was he always like this or has it been since DS was born? Neither make his behaviour any better nor should it ever be tolerated, just wondering if this is a long term pattern or a new shift due to jealousy.

annonymousse · 07/06/2021 15:52

I think you already know the answer. Leave. It won't get better. Wishing you and baby all the best.

Fireflygal · 07/06/2021 15:53

He is treating you horribly and in front of your son. This will be a dreadful role model.

There will be ways to leave. Start planning your exit. This type of bully never gets better, they often escalate.
Do you have family?

Atla · 07/06/2021 15:57

You poor thing. He sounds awful and he wont change. Have you got friends/family that you can talk to? I think you need to start making plans to leave him - you and your ds deserve much better than this asshole.

Original poster

Fernando2020 · 07/06/2021 16:17

Yes I have family and they cannot stand him. I've only told them snippets of what has happened so I can't imagine what they'd think if I told them everything. He told me that when he split with his ex he tried to kill himself. I don't know anymore details than that she cheated on him. He is on anti depressants for anxiety but I don't think they are helping him but he refuses to go to the Drs to see if there is something different he could try.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/06/2021 16:25

Do not keep his abuses of you and in turn your child here a secret. Bust this wide open because abuse like this thrives on secrecy .
He is no partner to you and certainly no male role model to his child.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. He is angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry. Not at all surprised he won’t go to the Gp here. I doubt whether anything like anti depressants would help here because he is abusive and not depressed.

Enlist the help of your family and Women’s aid (boots the chemist currently have consultation rooms where domestic violence services can be accessed, you need to ask the staff for Ani (action needed immediately).

Shorthairlady · 07/06/2021 16:38

The whole "I'll kill myself if you leave" mantra makes me so angry and it's complete bullshit. Have you ever read a story in the news about this ever happening? No! So let him go ahead with his "threats", get your ducks in a row and leave. Fingers crossed he actually does it and then your problems will be gone (at least that's what i used to dream/think when ex tried that rubbish).

DinosaurDiana · 07/06/2021 16:39

Do you have your own bank account ? If not, open one online now. Get your wage and any child benefits paid into it.
Do you have any family that you could temporarily move in with ?
It’s best to ‘get your ducks in a row’ in case you ever need it.
And remember, if you’re scared ring the police.

Biblionerd · 07/06/2021 17:21

Definitely get yourself organised! Make sure you have birth certificates, passports, and other important documents re banks/benefits all in one place. Make sure that you.are financially protected as someone up thread suggested, own account for wages and CB Protect you and your little one at all costs and please reach out to your family and tell them what is happening.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/06/2021 18:10

You're not married to him so dump him. He's a piece of shit.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/06/2021 18:11

@Shorthairlady

Mwn don't kill themselves when their partners leave, they are more likely to kill their partners so be prepared, call the police if you are worried about anything.

finished31 · 07/06/2021 18:17

You absolutely need to get out now. What fun is this for you and it will only get worse down the line as your DS needs you more.

Get your ducks in a row now.

Move to family and don't look back.

Shorthairlady · 07/06/2021 18:21

@Shehasadiamondinthesky I completely agree with your statement but I was thinking along the lines of the control, manipulation and guilt tripping that comes from such a statement.

pumpkinpie01 · 07/06/2021 18:30

Things will not improve and this is no way to live you will honestly be happier as a single mum. If you stay your dc will grow up scared and walking on egg shells they and you do not deserve that.

Original poster

Fernando2020 · 07/06/2021 18:39

I've got my own bank account and will have my own money coming in when I return to work in August.

OP posts:

loveyourself2020 · 07/06/2021 18:43

Dear women, you should leave this relationship right away!

Peace43 · 07/06/2021 18:48

Would you accept his behaviour if he was an acquaintance rather than your boyfriend? If not then you shouldn’t accept it from your boyfriend. Your boyfriend should be the one supporting you, building you up and caring for you. He should treat you BETTER than your acquaintances.
He is a grown up and is 100% responsible for looking after his own mental health. You in no way at all should stay with him to prevent him committing suicide. If his mental health is that bad he needs to seek professional support.

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