Please tell me how to behave like a grown up!

[Misterectomy]

DP and I have been together for 4.5y, lived together 3.5y. Every so often I feel the need to address something (eg I have slipped into doing the lion’s share of cooking, or I feel he is making unfair comparisons between our kids). I do this reasonably, without drama, but he quickly gets defensive and shouty which makes me defensive and shouty - and then we say hurtful things. This hasn’t happened very often, but it upsets and frustrates me that we cannot communicate better. Any tips?

How old are your children and what sex are they?

In other words, how many children do you have and are they from this or previous relationships?

The obvious one is to not start sentences with You, like You never do the washing up or whatever. Instead phrase them differently, start with I feel that or We need to

It sounds like he's not pulling his weight at home. Are you a SAHM?

Sounds like you are behaving like a grown up, its your partner who isn't. Does he get defensive and shouty every time you ask him to pull his weight? That's what lazy entitled man children do, they're dime a dozen.

There are websites where you can get a script for assertive conversations: you say,'When you did .....I felt upset/scared/annoyed/puzzled. In future I'd prefer it if you....' If you talk in this way it avoids escalating the situation or blaming the person as 'You always...' And it gives them a way to think about how they behaved and discuss how things could change. And apologise. Either you can model this or you could have a conversation about how you'd like to communicate better because the way it's happening at the moment isn't helping and just makes you both angry and you could agree to both work on it. That way you build a stronger relationship. Good luck.

There is a Ted talk about what @sunstreaming mentions above I’m sure, it explains it really clearly and has been so helpful to me in the past. I’ll try to find it...

@KirstenBlest - those 2 examples were legitimate examples but there will always be things that niggle us about our other halves. Sometimes I feel I need to air them to move on, sometimes I can ignore them. I’d just like us to be able to deal with it sensibly because he’s not lazy or entitled - he’s a good man. We both had very critical parents.

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea I think I like you! No, he’s pretty good l, but like all relationships, it goes through ups and downs and I’d like us to weather them more adultly.

@sunstreaming and @chickensafari - thank you for your wise words and offer of a link. That would be really interesting.

Hi, Im really sorry I had a good look and it obviously wasn't a TED talk, I must have seen it elsewhere, I'll carry on looking!

Honestly you need to decide what's acceptable in your relationship. The first time he started shouting and yelling, I would have sat him down afterwards and said, this is not acceptable in our relationship. What's another way we can communicate? If he's not capable of it, then I'd end it. Zero tolerance from the start, otherwise you've set the expectation that this is how it plays out: you raise a legitimate grievance, you both scream at each other, and then...things return to normal?

I grew up in a shouty house. Its really affected my relationships, I have to try really hard not to respond with aggression and thankfully am in a relationship with someone who will have sensible conversations about things like that. It was horrible as a child, never knowing what could tip over into aggression, that awful atmosphere after a big fight. I think its really sad your kids are living with someone who isn't their dad who is shouting like that. I think its even sadder that comparing your kids isn't the red flag, its the way he responds to being called out on it.

I think you need to do some thinking about what it would take for you to leave the relationship. Some people do just shout because its how they were raised. But it is horrible, and can v quickly get abusive, and if he's not prepared to change then I'd really be considering my options because you're exposing children to this, it will be effecting them, and it will be effecting them even more because he's not their dad.

Found it, effective confrontation by Simon Sinek

Thank you @cinderellasbelly for your reply. The problem is that I'm a shouter too. The children are all pretty much gone - just here in the holidays - and we have only once had an argument with any of them in the house. But we need to find a way to communicate better, hence I came here seeking the wisdom of Mumsnet. I'm now going to watch the youtube video which @chickensafari has posted...