When someone likes you but goes for the complete opposite

[GuyinLimbo]

Name changed as its a bit of an embarressing/pathetic question

I'm not usually one for "types" however I've been noticing a trend recently in the people I attract/don't attract and its troubling me because it honestly feels like I'm stuck and there's no way to change things in the future.

I'm by no means a guy who gets lots of interest from women, however I'm well liked and been told I'm unusually emotionally intelligent for a man (I can't confirm this - only going by what others have said).

More than once, I've got into emotional affair territory - a female friend has made it known to me they have a crush on me, although in all cases when this became apparent we both swiftly reduced contact and no damage was done. In many cases, whilst I was told someone thought I was "cute" it was done with a heavy dose of "of course, I've got a partner who I love and we know our boundaries".

Most of these women have been people who I've clicked with, respect and just enjoyed the company of. There wasn't necessarily an immediate frission. We didn't heavily flirt. There was no "cheeky banter" or whatnot. It was just incredibly easy to chat to each other and were, what I considered, to be friends.

They were people who, if they were single, I'd love to start a relationship with. But here's the problem: I am nothing like the men who they are actually with - and, moreover, that type tends to be the same: decent men, but emotionally withdrawn, somewhat selfish, not particularly curious about life, more traditionally "male" I suppose - the "strong but silent" type.

My dad was a bit like this too - I'm nothing like him in that respect, so I can't even look to relationships in my family for guidance/a template. i love and respect my mum, but again she went for one of those traditionally male guys too.

And then there was my marriage. My ex and I were together for a decade, had kids, etc. When we met it finally felt like I had finally cracked the code: we were friends for a year before we started dating. She was my best friend as well as lover, we clicked, communicated fine. Even when we divorced, she told me it wasn't anything I'd done wrong and was desperate to stay "best friends". It was because she'd fallen in love with someone else and wanted the chance to experience what a relationship wth him might be like. And that guy, the OM, was... a traditionally male type. His ex told me he was emotionally unavailable, tended to sulk rather than discuss things and was selfish in bed. But my ex prefered that because his unreachability meant he was perpetually "mysterious".

All of this is fine. I'm not owed a relationship, I know that. However, I don't know where this leaves me going forward - everyone who I feel I have chemistry with and who proclaims they have some sort of connection with me, inevitably ends up being with someone the complete opposite of me - who completely lack the emotional intelligence that is, allegedly, such a good thing for me to have. I feel like a complete and utter spare part.

I'm not sure what I'm asking really - maybe some insight from female posters to help me clarift things and help me get out of this emotional rut I seem to have got stuck in.

In my opinion, it’s hard to find men who are emotionally available, so this is something you should see as a positive, this is a problem in my marriage and i find it difficult to cope with because when I’ve wanted him to be my safe haven, he hasn’t been.
I just think you haven’t met someone who appreciates this, maybe because it’s not something they’re used to, as we generally see men as strong and resilient and not as emotional as us.

@Femme99 thanks! That's a useful insight - hopefully there is someone out there (the chances of meeting such a person thanks to lockdown probably hasn't helped!)

Hope you find a way to work things out with your husband

You sound like my dh! So I can’t offer any insight into the minds of women who go for less emotionally available men. Perhaps they are looking for men like their fathers?

I hope you find someone soon. I’m sure you will.

Sounds like you suffer from perpetual friend-zoning OP.

I sometimes wish my DP was more EA, but equally when I had an ex who was very EA, who wanted to talk and analyse our relationship at length on a regular basis I did find it quite draining and to be honest it was a bit of a turn off..

Do you think you are maybe a little too EA?!

You sound great OP.

Maybe the issue is who you are unconsciously drawn to? You’re drawn to women who aren’t available (ultimately). Maybe you’re too deferential? Perhaps you need to keep the kindness and emotional intelligence but start celebrating what a catch you are and affirm yourself, put yourself first a little bit more, think about what you want.

My advice: don't confuse friendship with sexual and romantic love. Don't hope friendships will turn into something else.

Also, I may be wrong but is it possible you come over as a bit needy - a bit grateful for a woman's interest? You don't have to be a macho 'strong and silent' type to keep that edge of mysteriousness which is actually just healthy boundaries - your own pursuits and interests, your own space etc. Don't always be available. Don't prize a relationship above all else in your life.

Your self-description comes over as emotionally sensitive to the women you are friends with but how connected are you to your own emotions. You sound quite downtrodden and numbed by your ex. Are you not furious or heartbroken?

Put yourself first next time. Nt our of selfishness but self-preservation. That's an attractive quality.

@GuyinLimbo - Thank you! I find being emotionally intelligent myself can be a curse at times, as often you feel things more deeply and are generally much more sensitive. It may be a case of opposites attract.

I'm the female equivalent to you! Always friend zoned and told by men "I'm a lovely lady" which I read as nice but not sexy. All the men I know seem to want very loud, bolshy women and I seem a bit boring I think! Do you feel you are drawn to emotionally unavailable women perhaps? I know the only two men I've cared for deeply have been like that and my openness has been off putting for them.

Honestly I do feel lots of women will be attracted to a man like you, maybe try playing your cards close to your chest for a while so you're not giving away too much too soon.

You will for the most part be friend zoned I think...I don't think there is anything wrong with the way you are but (always a but!) you don't need to be so emotionally available in the beginning! Nice and gentlemanly absolutely, a sounding board for all of the ills in your dates life, absolutely not!
I would reserve the depths of your emotions for a woman that you are actually dating long term, treat them a bit like a gift for someone special.

@Cockenspiel

Sounds like you suffer from perpetual friend-zoning OP.

I sometimes wish my DP was more EA, but equally when I had an ex who was very EA, who wanted to talk and analyse our relationship at length on a regular basis I did find it quite draining and to be honest it was a bit of a turn off..

Do you think you are maybe a little too EA?!

This. If a man was navel gazing or always wanting to talk about feelings I’d find it draining too. My dh is a good balance, he’s happy to talk about my feelings etc and very emotionally available but he is quite confident and comfortable in himself and doesn’t need to be talking constantly about the relationship or analysing things. Obviously, I check in if he’s okay emotionally as we’ve been through hard times , but he’s more likely to want to do things ( go for a bike ride, fix something) then talk about everything constantly. Perhaps because I’m the opposite, we work well.

OP you sound nice, and I think questioning whether you have the type of personality women will be attracted to is a red-herring - undoubtedly SOME women would find your personality attractive because we are all different. And it’s not like (I hope) you are about to change your essential personality to make it more appealing to women, anyway.

I think your best bet would be to avoid these messy friendship plus type relationships, and set out to straightforwardly meet someone who is available and looking to date. I would recommend on-line dating - you can be honest and up front on your profile about what sort of person you are, and then hopefully you will attract women who are a) available for a relationship, and b) find your personality-type appealing…..

Where do you live lol
I’d love to meet an emotionally available man 😊

The fact that your ex feels she can talk about her sex life with another msn tells me a LOT. It’s not you’re too in touch with your feelings. It’s that you’re too “nice” and don’t set healthy boundaries. See also the fact that you get into emotional affairs with married women.

Stop being such a pushover. When women talk to you about sex with other men, don’t be flattered or keen to offer advice - see it as a rejection (because it is, in a romantic/sexual way, at least). Change the subject.

This isn’t only your problem - LOADS of people have it too, often women: indulging in listening to men bang on about their ex wives, their GFs, etc. It feels flattering because someone is “opening up” but really it’s about as sexy (to the person who’s talking) as a counselling session.