Anyone separated, co-parent and live together?

[Turtleyturtles]

Is it really possible to co-parent and live together after separating? Has anyone done this successfully?

Me and my OH (not married) are on the brink of separating. We have two children age 2 and 6.

I'm just wondering if any couples live in the same house as co- parents and house sharers without being in a couple? At least intitally?

It would be nice to hear this is actually possible, but I'm a bit sceptical!

It doesn't sound like a good idea. Why do you want to do this?

One of my close friends and her ex did this while waiting for her son to get into a desired school before selling and splitting the house. More out of necessity than choice.

They were in quite a unique situation though where there was very little time they were both at home together due to ex's job, so it was more like they alternated time in the home. They did not continue to live or act as a family and had their own bedrooms. They were also both 'over' each other, so they were able to date new people with no grief from each other, and spend nights elsewhere while still officially living under the same roof.

It was stressful at times and I'm not sure they would have been able to manage it had they both been coming home every evening after work and having to be in the other's face until bedtime. There was a lot of friction over housework/dinners/shopping etc.

Their son coped well with it because they didn't try and simulate the old family environment and he was either in the care of his mum or his dad. They didn't do things together with him so there was no confusion.

Personally I don't think it's advisable unless both parties are truly moved on and there is a solid reason why it's the best option, and only for the short term too.

PS. Just to add, it also caused issues with their divorce as the judge did not accept they were separated due to both living at the same address following their official date of separation. They had to send further justification, which was still rejected.

Thanks @Bibidy, that's interesting and as you say, it does sound like a unique situation. And thanks for your advice, I don't think it's the best option either.

And thanks @GorgeousNightingale, I agree! I don't think I do want to do it. OH does, but I think it's because he is reluctant to move on.

We did it for a very short period while ex was sorting somewhere to live, so it wasn't something we wanted to do. It was hard work. Suddenly the lines become very blurred and I felt uncomfortable in my own home.

It might be different if you have agreed to the situation and clear boundaries and expectations are in place.

We agreed to separate end Feb last year and really because of lockdown lived in the same house till the new year. It actually gave us the opportunity to work through our stuff and start a friendship I suppose. Didn't tell our daughter till many months later and she had no clue despite the separate bedrooms! I would say that we were lucky to both be in a similar place emotionally but I would also add that by the end I was feeling the need to 'breathe' and was glad to be living separately!

It's not working well for us! I will be the one moving out but haven't managed to yet and every time I come home my stbxh has chucked a piece of furniture or painted a wall. Totally erasing me while I'm still here. As well as the arguments about shopping and cleaning.

When I first seperated from my ex husband, we lived together around 10 months after seperating and it was a disaster. I ended the marriage and he was hurt and didn't want me to go. Living together but not being together just cuased is nager, resentment and hurt. However, I suppose it depends on your relationship. If it's a mutual ending and you have no issue with seeing the other potentially move on, then maybe short term. Do you mean short term or as a permanent arrangement? I can't see how it would ever work as a permanent arrangement because you'll both move on at some point.

Why did you separate if you can get on well enough to live together?

I clash with DH over parenting, but otherwise I think we are ok. Parenting is the most challenging part I feel, as it's a battle of who's in control. I hate the contradiction or the not being backed up.

I was the child in this situation, no it isn’t better and my relationship with both parents significantly improved once the 1 moved out.

We are doing this at the moment thought it’s made slightly easier with exdp working away during the week so he’s only home at weekends. He sleeps in the summer house in the garden. We have two pre schoolers so they are non the wiser and just love having daddy home at weekends and I can’t bear the thought of changing that for them.

We do family days out, take each child separately 1:1 time then swap over. When the dc are in bed we will have dinner together, talk through anything that needs to be discussed then go to bed separately.

I dont know how much longer it can go on for. It’s only worked this long because we are a great team when it comes to parenting but he has huge issues (I’ve had multiple threads about him under different user name)!

I’m conscious of fooling the dc and that they will soon be aware of what’s happening and maybe it’s better to rip the plaster off now whilst they’re still young to not be too damaged rather than play happy families.

Not much help sorry, still navigating it but I think it’s worth a try whilst you’re getting your head around things perhaps.

We are in this situation - seperated end of 2019, was ready to split fully and then lockdown happened. Decided just to stick it out as my work was severely impacted by the pandemic, and to be fair, it's fine - we are probably far nicer to each other now than we were before. Look up 'parenting marriage' - there are a few articles online about it

Thanks Teacupsndtoast, I have looked it up and that's really interesting. I hadn't heard of the term before. It's good to hear that it's working fine for you and that you are far nicer to each other! That sounds like a result!

Thanks @Coriandersucks, this sounds a bit like our situation and we are still 'together'. We sleep in seperate beds, and after dinner we do our own thing. We have our own friends and rarely go out together. We go on family holidays together but even then we sleep in seperate beds and tend to look after a child each.

Thanks for your reply, it sounds like you are doing really well and I'm sure they won't be damaged with your sensible and thoughtful parenting.

I've been the child in this situation and it wasn't much fun.