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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need help addressing this issue

24 replies

Mama212 · 07/06/2021 09:27

NC for this post.
Been seeing a guy for the last 6 months. Everything going perfectly apart from one thing I have an issue with.
The issue relates to his drinking. He drinks daily, beer or cider usually, never spirits. Sometimes only a couple. Sometimes about 8 cans a day. I am trying to work out why this is a problem to me. He doesn't behave any different, he's not drunk, he works full time, never drinks in the day. Very much independent in every area of his life.
Really just struggling to articulate why I don't like this daily drinking, apart from the fact I'm worried about his health.
Any advice how to address this diplomatically please?

OP posts:

Mabelface · 07/06/2021 09:38

Love, he's an alcoholic. Run for the hills as nothing you say will make a difference.

KurtWilde · 07/06/2021 09:39

He's a functioning alcoholic. Is that really the kind of person you want to plan a future with?

litterbird · 07/06/2021 09:40

He is alcohol reliant it appears. Talk to him with all the facts you have seen, how it affects you and your concerns about his health. He will down play it all then probably say he will cut back, do that for a month or so then go back to his usual drinking. Just to say though this is not normal behaviour and is behaviour of an alcoholic who probably needs more and more of the drug to get the hit, hence his daily drinking. 8 cans a day during the evening is excessive. Also you may need to re evaluate if you want to continue with this relationship as he obviously sees this as normal.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/06/2021 09:41

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did a parent drink heavily as well?.

You do not attempt to address this at all, let alone diplomatically, because he is an alcoholic who is currently functioning to an extent but for who knows how long. The 3cs re alcoholism are you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

His primary relationship is with drink and not you, its never been with you either. Only HE can decide to address this and he does not want to. The relationship should be at an end and now. If you continue with this you will end up being further dragged down by him as his codependent girlfriend.

Orcadianrythyms · 07/06/2021 09:42

He's an alcoholic so make your plans based on that.

ProudPolyGradSingleMum · 07/06/2021 09:42

What everyone else said. He’s an alcoholic.

Bananalanacake · 07/06/2021 09:55

If you were to suggest he goes without alcohol for a month how would he react. Don't plan anything long term and definitely don't live with him.

Umberellatheweatha · 07/06/2021 10:07

I left my last partner at around 6 months for the same reason. He was great in pretty much every other way. But he drank too much (And he didnt drink anywhere as much as your guy).

He doesn't even have to drink 'too much' for you to leave btw. He just has to drink too much 'for you'. You not being ok with the amount he drinks is a perfectly acceptable reason to stop dating him.

Though in this case, he is clearly an alcoholic.

I would suggest 'listen, I've had a great time this past 6 months. Its been reall fun getting to know you. But it's become increasingly obvious that you have a personal battle with alchohol. And I've decided that that's not something I can be a part off. So I'm this is where we have to part ways'.

If he tries to say 'if i cut down will that help?will you give me another chance?' you reply 'no'. If he suggests you are wrong to think he is an alchoholic then you reply 'ok, but you drink too much for me'. Dont be drawn into debating the issue or ifs and buts. Just maintain the attitude of it's been nice but now we're done.

Original poster

Mama212 · 07/06/2021 14:12

So I should end it without even highlighting to him that it's a concern? Without even giving him a chance to address it?
I don't think this level of drinking is acceptable at all, it's not something I want in my life to this extent but I think he may not realise how much of a problem he has got right now?

OP posts:

Umberellatheweatha · 07/06/2021 14:17

Do you think overcoming alcoholism is a short term thing he can just address? It isn't. It's a lifelong battle. He will never stop being an alchoholic. Even if he gets help and learns how to stay on the waggon.

And also, if he wants to get better he has to choose to do it for himself, not to keep you or placate anyone else. Otherwise he will blame you every time he falls off the wagon.

It's really an issue that you should have no involvement with whatsoever op. You've only known the guy 6 months and already know he has alchohol issues. Get the fuck out, fast.

Umberellatheweatha · 07/06/2021 14:20

Oh and, he already knows he has a problem.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 07/06/2021 14:27

Don't make the mistake of thinking you can change him
Drinking that much is a problem. You are either willing to put up with it or you aren't. He's not going to change if you tell him you don't like it. By all means try, but don't expect miracles.

KurtWilde · 07/06/2021 14:30

@Mama212

So I should end it without even highlighting to him that it's a concern? Without even giving him a chance to address it? I don't think this level of drinking is acceptable at all, it's not something I want in my life to this extent but I think he may not realise how much of a problem he has got right now?

You can highlight it, but you can't expect someone to change if they're happy as they are.

litterbird · 07/06/2021 15:37

@Mama212

So I should end it without even highlighting to him that it's a concern? Without even giving him a chance to address it? I don't think this level of drinking is acceptable at all, it's not something I want in my life to this extent but I think he may not realise how much of a problem he has got right now?

You can try to address it but you will be battling this for the whole time you are in the relationship. it is already centre stage for you. It will never disappear into the wings never to return. He is an alcoholic....you must understand that. Google the heck out of it and read up on it. Its only been 6 months. Say your goodbyes and save yourself a lifetime of stress, upset, being second fiddle to alcohol and wishing you had taken the advise from MN on June 7th. You wont look back and find someone without a drug problem. Sorry OP its harsh but important for you to go.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/06/2021 15:41

Re your comments in quotemarks:-

"So I should end it without even highlighting to him that it's a concern?"

Yes. He will not take any notice of you and besides which what can you realistically do?. He neither wants your help or support here.

"Without even giving him a chance to address it?"

He seems quite happy as he is and he does not want to address it.

And what litterbird has written too. Say your goodbyes indeed and save yourself any more stress, upset and playing second fiddle to alcohol.

Orcadianrythyms · 07/06/2021 16:00

He's an alcoholic! He may stop drinking for a bit but he's an alcoholic. Your choice what you do with this information but just read some of the heartbreak on here from people trying to remove themselves from relationships with alcoholics and run for the hills. He'll always love drink more than you.

ihtwsf · 07/06/2021 16:29

He's an alcoholic.
You've only been together 6 months so cut your losses and run.
It will only get worse. He's probably on his best behaviour right now as it's a new relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if what he is drinking now is a lot less than he would drink normally.
He won't be able to change and you'll be sat around waiting for him to change, putting up with all the shit that goes along with an alcohol problem.

My ex had an alcohol problem and I didn't leave him. I regret it bitterly. I wasted 5 years on him. He was awful in all sorts of ways but the alcohol was the worst thing.
I'm absolutely at rock bottom now, two years out of the relationship because of the damage caused by it (and some other issues too).

Please just bin him off. Do not waste your time mentioning "the issue" to him.

Original poster

Mama212 · 07/06/2021 17:59

I'm devastated 💔

OP posts:

ihtwsf · 07/06/2021 18:27

@Mama212
Sorry that you are upset but you will save yourself a lot of pain in the long run.
Do you have children? Your username would suggest that.
If you do, even more reason to steer well clear of a problem drinker.

I'm sorry if my earlier post upset you but I've been through this with someone and it really is better to end things before you get in too deep.

LizB62A · 07/06/2021 18:42

It's not about what sort of alcohol he drinks ("never spirits"), it's that he drinks alcohol every single day.
A very good friend was an alcoholic and died a few years ago - people commented that they were shocked as they'd never seen him drink spirits, "only" multiple pints of beer each day.....
Then shortly after that some friends were looking at me a bit when I ordered a vodka (1 unit of alcohol) on a night out while they were sat there with their pints of beer (2+ units) and large glasses of wine (3+ units).....

He's an alcoholic - get out while you can.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/06/2021 18:47

So I should end it without even highlighting to him that it's a concern? Without even giving him a chance to address it?

He's an alcoholic and you don't owe him a damn thing. You wrote this post because you know his drinking is a serious problem, you've just been trying to deny it. Get out now and save yourself years of misery.

jannyapple · 07/06/2021 18:54

Both my parents were functioning alcoholics
Wish I could have got away at 6 months rather than the years of deteriorating drama / trauma / abuse / disappointment/ failure and just general crap life
Get out ... honestly
💔 maybe for now but you will get over it
If you didn't know this already you'd not have posted

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/06/2021 19:37

Based on your username you are a mum. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man, presumably with a view to them being involved in my kids lives long term, if they were alcohol dependent / drank up to eight cans a day. Because it's very likely to get worse or be worse than you already know and vanishingly unlikely to stop. So six months in, on balance, I wouldn't see the point continuing the relationship. If I had to say to someone 'I think having up to eight cans in a day on a pretty regular basis is too much' then I wouldn't think we were compatible. And I'm not teetotal or extreme. It just seems like common sense as opposed to unhealthy and a wasteful amount of money to spend, too.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 08/06/2021 06:45

OP please listen to PPs. Don't be me. I thought my boyfriend would change (he drank like your chap does). I married him. Not only did he not change, he got worse, and it was utterly miserable. My poor children suffered to. I'm divorced now, and my ex is drinking himself to death.

I am finally happy again, and the man I'm seeing barely drinks.

My advice is to get out now.

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