At breaking point

[Echoes251]

I am so exhausted. I have a 12 year old with a genetic condition and severe autism plus a toddler. My DH works long hours and says he is unable to help with anything. Last year we both caught covid and shortly after he was let go from a probationary period. He now has another job but is terrified of loosing it so is working crazy hours. He said to me that if he is to keep the job I gave to do everything as he has no headspace for anything else.

The last year has been a nightmare as all our support networks have disappeared. We used to have a lady who helped out by taking out child with autism out but she has disappeared. We can't use regular childcare for him. Our toddler is waking early. I was up from 3am today. He only has childcare when I work as the childminder will not increase her hours. I am in danger of loosing my job as I am so tired and making stupid mistakes.

I reached out to my parents and told them how difficult things were. I told them about my DHs breakdown a few weeks ago where he started throwing things, crying and telling me he could not cope. They brushed it off and said they will see us when covid improves. They have not seen us for 17 months despite us all being doubly vaccinated. We desperately need a break. Even just half a day away from the children to reconnect but it doesn't seem possible. We don't even get any time on the sofa in the evenings as I go to bed when the children do and my DH is invariably working. We sleep in seperate beds so my DH is not woken up in the night and barely see each other.

My DHs family will not see us either giving the covid excuse but I think it is more that they would just not be bothered. My DH puts on a brave face with them and they think everything is fine. None of our relatives are interested in their grandchildren which makes me so sad. I look at my toddler and could cry as he is so lovely but wonder what I have brought him into having an older brother with autism, two parents that can't cope and an extended family that just don't care.

Oh that sounds v hard. Kids with autism are extremely hard work . I know from experience and the lockdown has really pushed families to the breaking point as they have been left to struggle alone.
Is your child in school ? If so I would get signed off work and sleep when your toddler is at the childminders. Sleep alone makes it much easier to cope.
Also get social services to do an assessment of need on the family. Be honest about the issues. They wont sweep in to remove your children so dont worry about that but they can get some support in place if they think you warrant it which of course you do.
As for your marriage well I think it is v hard to solve that until other things are dealt with. Your husband cannot opt out completely and leave it all to you and there has to be a compromise.
You need to rest and recharge as a first priority. Both of you. And as for wider family well I get that as well . It hurts but dont expect anything from them and look to other avenues such as support groups and private specialist respite hopefully funded by soc services.
Sorry rambling now but sending best wishes. X
Really sorry you are struggling so much.

I am sorry to read all your issues. You are having a difficult time. I do think you should contact social services but Here are a few ideas I had:

• Have you contacted the National Autism Society for help and advice?
• In our area students are advertising for summer jobs many with experience of working with children , maybe you could employ someone to help you for a few hours a week?

= Have you tried contacting your local church and GP surgery? So many volunteers came forward in the last year that they may have some suggestions.

• Does your older child have a place in a school? You shouldn’t have to be dealing with him all day, every day.

I hope social services can put some support in place for you. Unfortunately not all grandparents can or want to be involved.