Daughter not seeing dad

[Lrr1]

So I never usually go onto these types of pages and ask for advice. I have tried to search for people in a similar situation to mine and I would hate to make the wrong decision and my daughter hate me in years to come for my actions/ decision.

Please be nice but honest

So 7 years ago I met someone, we had quite a rocky relationship. My family didn’t like him, his didn’t like me etc! He smoked weed and my family realised when we were going on date nights I was paying for everything as he used to spend his on weed, I ended up smoking it with him and leaving my family home and not seeing or speaking to my family for 4 years from the age of 17-21 as they “didn’t love me”
I then fell pregnant and that was an ectopic, I had my left Fallopian tube removed, the day after my operation him and I had a slight disagreement as his mother suggested he should be at work rather than be with me. He then called me a rodent and was shouting at me on the hospital ward leaving nurses shocked.
I then fell pregnant 6 months later with my daughter, he would call me a “fat slt” “whre” “prostitute” and proceed to remind me how shit of a mum I was.
I hadn’t smoked weed in a very long time as I didn’t need to and I made him stop and he hated it and turned nasty. He embarrassed me so much in front of my neighbours that once my daughter was born I gave my council home back to the council and am now living with my nan.
I don’t do any kind of drug, I don’t even like alcohol! He on the other hand has to always has to have to weed,
He doesn’t work, he doesn’t apply for jobs, he relies on his dad for money, he uses my daughter as an excuse to get money from his dad for weed like “my daughter needs milk can I have some money” when actually I have money and provide everything for her.
But it’s her dad, so I have always had the attitude as long as he doesn’t smoke anywhere near her he can see her but not without me until she’s a lot older and until he stops smoking weed.
Since I’m a “fat dog” he has since said
“I can’t see my daughter because I have to see you, I’m not going through court because I know you have evidence to prove I’m not capable of having the baby on my own, so I’m deciding not to see her”
I gave him 3 days to change his mind (as he has done this a lot). But then reality hit me, he has done this maybe 3 times since I have been pregnant (9 months+ 8months ) and he keeps changing his mind.
But it’s unfair on me to get shouted at, spat on, abused and threatened in a public area with my daughter in her pram by her dad and I don’t want to be seeing someone who abuses me anymore, I don’t want to see someone who brain washes me that no one wants me and that it’s all my fault.
But most of all, I don’t want my daughter to get hurt by someone who picks and chooses when he does and doesn’t see her, who one minute says “I never can see her again” and then says “actually I want to see her but you’re a c*nt and I don’t want to see you”
I have changed my number and have told him nicely that when she’s old enough she will make contact and if he wants to see her then he can go through court.
I really wanted my daughter to have a dad, but also I can’t keep being abused, I have dealt with it to so long and I have finally given up, it’s got so bad I feel so depressed and like such a bad mum.
Have I done the right thing leaving him, leaving our home and changing my number?

Yes you've done the right thing. Speak to women's aid to get any additional support or advice you need. We'll done protecting your daughter and yourself

Yes, yes, 100x yes. Exactly the right thing - your dd needs protection from this terrible man.

Well done OP Now keep him away.

I wouldn't let that piece of shit any where my dog let alone a child. You've 100% done the right thing by protecting your daughter and keeping her away from this bully. You both deserve so much better and neither of you should be anywhere this man. Well done for getting away from him

Hi mans pov here, yes you did the right thing in the end by leaving him, at 1 stage you were no better than him ( re weed smoking ) but now you have wised up,!! Weed causes paranoid episodes among other things... but bottom line is now you need to find a controlled environment for your ex to have contact with your child,!!

Ardvark111 no I completely agree. There was a stage in my life when I did it, however I was a teenager 17-19 with no responsibilities. Now I just want to give my daughter the best life possible

Thank you everyone for your honestly opinions. It means a lot. Sometimes it’s difficult because I think I’m being irrational but you have made me realise I am doing the right thing

Yes you've done the right thing. Being exposed to abuse in the early key developmental years of life causes permanent damage that your daughter would have to spend her whole adult life battling. She deserves to be protected from that.

@Ardvark111 he doesn’t want to see my daughter if I am there and if he is to go through court I want frequent drug tests. He got stabbed and has a caution for strangling me, he knows he won’t go very far in the eyes of the law so has said he doesn’t want to know her. I can’t physically beg him to see her if he doesn’t want to and just called me vile names

Absolutely the right thing, never second guess yourself and fight against any contact if he does try (unlikely).

He may try and make contact sporadically, probably to keep the dad cash flow going or if he has a new GF he needs to pretend he’s a dad too, but stick to your guns, no access unless he takes you to court (he won’t).

@Ardvark111

Hi mans pov here, yes you did the right thing in the end by leaving him, at 1 stage you were no better than him ( re weed smoking ) but now you have wised up,!! Weed causes paranoid episodes among other things... but bottom line is now you need to find a controlled environment for your ex to have contact with your child,!!

I don't know if this poster is trying to say that it is your responsibility to work out some DCs dad can see her, if so that is utterly ridiculous. It is 100% the dad's responsibility to do what he needs to do to visit his child. You have told him no smoking around daughter and know that his visits must be supervised because he has repeatedly proven to you that he can't be trusted. Since he is verbally and physically abusive to you, you obviously should not be subjected to his toxic behavior. That means that he is the one who needs to find someone to babysit him if he wants to spend time with her. Stop trying to make this man's life easier by bending over backwards for him. You have given him chance after chance that he doesn't deserve. Put your foot down and make him take it through the court. I know how tough it is to start enforcing boundaries where there weren't any and how utterly terrifying it is to face the anger of somebody who has discovered your boundaries have changed. You deserve freedom from this abuser, and since he is only using his daughter to control, abuse, and manipulate you, this is proof that there is no positive to his being in her life. Slam the door in his face and don't look back.

In other words, yes, by cutting contact you did the right thing for you, and more importantly you did the right thing for your daughter.

Yes, you have absolutely made the right decision.

Strangulation is the biggest warning sign that he will progress to murdering you. I don’t mean to upset you but please, please get away from this man permanently. He will only use any contact he has with your child to further abuse and manipulate you.

www.google.com.au/amp/s/amp.abc.net.au/article/10845536

Yes you've absolutely done the right thing! He sounds like an utter waste of space.

I honestly think the best thing for your dd would be building strong male role models for her eg uncles, grandpa etc and just get her used to the fact that she doesn't have a dad in her life and that is totally normal and far better than some wankstain who doesn't deserve her. Although I'm sure you can find better wording than me 😂

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation @wayfarer46 @Helenahandbasket1 thank you so much. I’m never going back, she is far too important and I’m not having a damaged child due to a manipulating druggy

Of course you have done the right thing. No question. Stay well away. He sounds dangerous. I know so many children who have a lovely life despite the absence of a dad. Her life will be far worse with him in it.

@wayfarer46 yes that was my way of saying the child's father should have contact in a controlled environment. Despite his fcuk ups , yes he sounds like a waste of space and a deadbeat dad but he has just as much rights as the child's mother ( oh how you women seem to forget / overlook this,!!!

@tornadosequins

Yes you've done the right thing. Being exposed to abuse in the early key developmental years of life causes permanent damage that your daughter would have to spend her whole adult life battling. She deserves to be protected from that.

Absolutely. Why would you "beg him to see her"? If you had a next-door neighbor like him, would you let him babysit your child? I hope not! Just because they share some DNA does not make him a good father. Find decent adult role models for her, and when she is old enough, PLEASE TELL HER THE TRUTH ABOUT HIM. Don't let her fantasize about a Disney Dad or a Hero Dad or anything else. You need to be her rock, her defender, her hero).

@Ardvark111 problem with rights is they come with responsibilities. His right to see his daughter doesn’t outweigh either his responsibility to be a decent human being who doesn’t abuse her mother, OP’s responsibility to keep her daughter safe and protect herself, ir the child’s right to grow up in a stable environment.
In the majority of situations I’d absolutely agree with you about both parents having the right to spend time with their child, and I abhor anyone’s use of their child as a weapon, but in this case OP is correct. It doesn’t even sound like he particularly wants to see his daughter anyway!

[quote Ardvark111]@wayfarer46 yes that was my way of saying the child's father should have contact in a controlled environment. Despite his fcuk ups , yes he sounds like a waste of space and a deadbeat dad but he has just as much rights as the child's mother ( oh how you women seem to forget / overlook this,!!![/quote]
He has the right to see the child since she shares his DNA. But it is his RESPONSIBILITY to act in a way that doesn't put his child at risk. If he can't, he forfeits those rights. IF he cleans up his act and starts acting as a responsible parent, then it is the mother's responsibility to allow contact. It is NOT the mother's responsibility to find an appropriate space and supervision. That is his responsibility since it was his abusive behavior that caused the loss of contact in the first place, and necessitated the implementation of safeguards to ensure his daughter is protected from him.

A little bit of semen DOES NOT give anyone carte blanche access to a helpless child.

And so often it IS the mother's responsibility to make a judgment call because if she waits for the legal system to do what it needs to do, that child is getting more traumatised and abused.

Find decent adult role models for her, and when she is old enough, PLEASE TELL HER THE TRUTH ABOUT HIM. Don't let her fantasize about a Disney Dad or a Hero Dad or anything else. You need to be her rock, her defender, her hero).

Absolutely. This is so important in keeping her safe and enabling her yo keep herself safe.

Provide her with age appropriate truthful explanations throughout her life so she grows up understanding rather than building up a false picture and/or receiving a shocking revelation later that she may not believe if she's built her own story in her head or you've spent years lying to cover for him.

Well done for getting away and protecting her
You and your child now have a chance to build a decent life on your own
It's not so bad .... our life became happier more secure more settled more stable after leaving my ex and I've never regretted it
Told my children that he wasn't a good role model so I chose to remove him and they've accepted that .. they never needed the details