Tell me it gets better-children visiting EXH and OW

[Unfortunatevents]

Just that really. My children 6&9 have just started to visit my ex and his OW (they have been told she’s a ‘friend.’ There are enough bedrooms to convince them of this but it’s a lie I’m not necessary happy about-that’s another thread!) They enjoy going and so far have only been during the day but my eldest is so upset when he comes home, he wants daddy to be back home with us and us all to be together. It’s so heart breaking particularly as I, in all honesty, don’t want them to not live with me all the time. I try my best to keep things light and help him express his feelings without laying blame but it’s so hard. How quickly did anyone else settle into these new routines and any advice on how to successfully navigate them. Thank you

Hi,

I have no advice but am in a very similar boat. Probably a bit further down the line than you. My kids have known about their daddy's 'friend' (aka the ow) since last august and now understand they are in a relationship, they don't live together at the moment. My eldest struggles like your son wishing we were all still together. She is desperately sad with me, but won't discuss with her dad for fear of hurting his feelings. It's heartbreaking and very very challenging to try to stay neutral and take on all the emotions.

I think all you can do is be the constant in their lives. Keep things going for them, be a listening ear and encourage them to talk (without putting additional words or worries in their heads).

As hard as it is, I try to focus on knowing that my DC do enjoy time with their dad and his partner.she is kind to them and that is the best I can hope for.

How long has this been the situation and their dad has been out of the family home?
How are you coping generally? Do you have.anyone to offload to?

Thank you for the response. We told the children last July but had no idea that there was another woman until this April and thought I’d been supporting him through a mental health crisis not to enable him to establish a new relationship to the point where he’s moved in and was happy for the children to be there. So it’s only in the last month that the children have seen him anywhere but here, the reality is dawning on them.
Have you told your ex that your daughter finds it hard?
I’ve got lots of support thank you but it’s just awful knowing that each time they come back they’re full of the conflicting emotions of wanting to see their dad but wanting him to be here 🙁

That's really difficult as it is still really new for them, especially if you have been facilitating contact within the family home and then they are confronted with a new set-up.

I wonder if the kids (particularly the elder) do realise but are worried to talk to you about it as they don't want to upset you. Like you say the conflicting emotions and feeling like your loyalty is being tested must be so hard at that age.

Are you able to talk to your ex and discuss how to support the children and what exactly you will say to them (and when)? Has he made any noises about overnight stays yet?

I am so sorry you have put so much energy into supporting someone who has ultimately been very deceitful and cowardly. My ex played the mental health card initially as reason for having an affair, but I think it's just another way of absolving some of the guilt they (rightly) have for breaking up the family unit.

I have told my ex that our DC is struggling, however when he has tried to talk to her she says everything is fine (maybe because she doesn't want to upset him), so then I look like I am stirring things up a bit. The most recent wave of sadness she has asked me explicitly not to discuss with her dad, so I am torn. I tend to talk around what we can and can't change but also try to get her to look for the positives.

Try to separate out the issues. Even if there wasn't another woman, your DC would likely want Daddy to move back home, but he wouldn't because your relationship is over. You need to support your children in getting used to the new normal - that their parents are separated and Daddy won't be moving back in with Mummy - rather than getting bogged down in why (whether there was an OW in your marriage or not).

(Was she definitely the OW? If he left you in July and the kids are meeting her the following June, that's ample time for them to have got together after your split.)

Try not to get upset or angry when the children talk about your ex and his new partner. Regardless of your feelings towards them, your kids are entitled to like them and enjoy spending time with them. They're very young and will find it difficult if they feel they can't tell Mummy things about their time with Daddy because she'll get upset or angry.

Make sure the kids know they have your permission to enjoy time with their dad and his new partner. You won't be cross with them or think they are being disloyal.

Good luck.

Thanks for the responses. I’m very careful to be positive about daddy and his new house and what they do there without being over the top. It’s all a bit false at the moment as they’re being inundated with new toys and fun trips out etc so they haven’t yet had a settled ‘normal’ period of time there. We have a reasonably communicative relationship and I let him know how the kids have been and have also made it known that they will probably be different with each of us and say different things to protect us both-he is more of the opinion that they’re fine. I know what you mean about not wanting to be seen to stir things up but at the same time he should know they’re upset.
Yes, she’s definitely the other woman as he’s now admitted that they’ve known each other for a few years and started seeing each other last year when he was telling me he felt suicidal-on reflection a lot of guilt was talking.
I think this will be a period of adjustment and time will help it’s just awful to see them so upset.

You're right it's one of the worst things about the breakdown of a relationship is seeing the impact on the kids. And frustrating for you that he thinks they're fine and will be fine going forward.

It sounds like you have a really safe space for the kids to talk and be angry/upset about things though, which is so important. Hopefully the Disney dad side of things will calm down a bit too with time.

Depending on how they get on at school etc. May be worth making their teacher aware if you and the kids are comfortable with that. sometimes the pastoral support people can provide a neutral ear, or even just be mindful about what is going on at home.