How much should I expect from my DH?

[MSQuinn]

I’ve been a sahm for roughly 10 years. Decided upon by DH and myself years ago because our middle DC has special needs. We then had our youngest who also has special needs along with a medical condition. Both are very challenging and time in nursery when they were younger was extremely limited due to their extreme anxiety and challenging behaviour. There was no way to work as I was frequently called by nursery to pick them up. Now they’re in school (specialist schools for both). I’m working 18-25+ hours a week, thankfully term time only. I can’t work out of home and I need to be at home during the holidays as the children aren’t able to access clubs. But I’m still doing everything. My dh cooks a meal once a week, hangs out the odd bit of washing, he does the shopping as he enjoys it and takes our eldest to football on a Saturday. He’s got a busy job and travels a fair distance to work but I’m exhausted managing our children as they’re very challenging especially the youngest who at 8 is non verbal and still has a lot of challenging behaviours and still picking up everything else.

My job is stressful because of the management and it’s often chaos. I’m aware I’m lucky to have found the job and it gives me financial independence as mentioned on MN though dh has no issues with money and all money goes into a joint pot.

How much should I be expecting DH to do? He doesn’t particularly want a cleaner or to send ironing out but it needs to be done. Should I issue him with a list? I’m so tired, my kids are complaining I’m grumpy when I’m working. But I feel spread so thin.

If he would respond to a list and start mucking in, then by all means go with a list, but if it's just going to lead to frustration and won't get you anywhere, don't bother.

You don't need his permission to send ironing out or get a cleaner - if he's not willing to step up with the chores practically, then he has voided any right to have a say on how it gets done.

It's better for the whole family if you don't collapse in a heap mentally or physically. Tell him something has to give, as you can't go on like this.

Sounds like there’s a need for a frank discussion about what needs doing and how much time you both have to do it. Maybe he isn’t aware that you’re struggling and will step up when told. Maybe he doesn’t value your time or work and sees his as the Big Important Job. You need to discuss things to find out which. The main thing is that you can’t run yourself into the ground and need support either from him or hired help.

You should expect him to do however much adds up to a fair share when you take everything (work, childcare and chores) into account. Which I would say is whatever amount leaves you both with the same amount of leisure time. So if you don't have equal leisure time now, then however much more is needed to even things up. Do you have anything approaching equal leisure time now?

Ironing is completely unnecessary change your mindset

Get a cleaner, if ironing is important to you send it out, it’s not just his decision

In the Summer could you get a student maybe of social care or psychology to mind your two children with special needs so you get a break. In lreland we have a scheme called the Summer provision where children with needs get support for about 20 hours paid by the Government..is there any such schemes there?
I would definitely be looking for more childcare from outside.
That might help you more than someone ironing.
To completely reduce ironing bring stuff off the line before it's too dry and throw it in the dryer for a short while.
Does your dh do bedtimes with the little ones when he gets home even alternate nights. You have a huge task on your hands and l would be getting him to have the dc so your head gets a rest.

Well, you should definitely expect him to listen to you and come to some sort of agreement about how to get done what needs to get done and leave both of your health and sanity in tact.

Whether that's him doing more, buying in more help including childcare or both is something that you need to agree between you.

Is he willing & just unsure how to help or does he just come home, fall into 'his' chair and veg out while you're rushing around? Does he put the kids to bed, ever?

It's hard to know how to advise you when we don't know what he's like it how the kids would take to him doing things you usually do.

As for the not being keen on outsourcing those things, that's fine, they're now his to do. Let's see how quickly he changes his mind on outsourcing!

Knock the ironing on the head. Best thing I ever did was making sure my husband irons all his own stuff. If you can afford it get a cleaner . Make sure you have some extra storage to put all the mess in and close the door on it. You need to make a stand and be kinder to yourself