Sexless marriage at 38?

[38andmarried]

I hope you can all offer me some advice. I’ve been married to DH for 2 years. Together for 9. We have a 6 year old DC.

We haven’t had sex since December last year. Before that it was March. I love my DH very much and in every other way he is perfect. Brilliant dad, great provider etc.

I am not some nymphomaniac, I don’t need sex daily, I don’t even need sex that often but I need ‘something’

Hubby was poorly last year, required a stint in hospital (in the midst of covid in august). He was fine, had surgery and all ok. It took him out of action for a few months and that was fine, I expected that and never expected anything from him in that time. He was fine come November. He still made no attempts to initiate anything. I spoke to him about it, I had a cry, told him I felt fat, unloved etc he promised things would be different. We had a few ‘night’ in December and then nothing again.

It all came to a head again in March. Said I didn’t want to be in a marriage like this. He opened up a litttle more. He said it’s not that he wouldn’t it was that he couldn’t. I asked if he had seen a dr/therapist etc he said he had spoke to someone via a work referral scheme and they had made some suggestions. I asked why he never spoke to me about it as he knew how it made me feel he said he didn’t know. He said I had been giving off vibes too that I was ‘disinterested, and pulled away when he tried to kiss me etc (goodbye/hello kisses not initiation of sex ones) I said I wasn’t aware I was doing it but I would make a conscious effort not to etc but I needed more.

After that we had one night ‘together’ that was 11 weeks ago. Nothing since. I really did make an effort but I admit about 3 weeks ago I honestly thought “what’s the point?” And started pulling away again. I’m not proud of it. It came to a head again today and he just said he’s not talking about it anymore. I just said we’re not really working are we.

He then told me he has been having a shit time at work and this was making him stressed etc and that he hates his job. I told him to quit. We could have sorted something. We would manage. He then said he needed to pluck up the courage to write a cv. - he has worked for the same company since he was 16. He does suffer with anxiety but it’s never been this bad before.

In every other way our relationship is perfect. I love him I really do but I don’t want a sexless marriage. I’m only 38.

Can anyone offer any advice? For me or him?

Sorry for the long post 😞

Has he always had a low sex drive or is it just over the last couple of years that he's felt like this? When he says he can't, does he mean he's struggling with his erection or he's just not in the mood? Do you think he cares and wants to change or that he'd be happy to coast along as you are (although you're clearly unhappy).

So many questions, sorry. It sounds good that you've been talking to him about it, also that you've been making an effort, sorry to read that this hasn't changed things though.

It came to a head again today and he just said he’s not talking about it anymore

If that is his attitude and you can't stay in a sexless marriage, then its over isn't it?

If he will talk then there are three options if you don't want to split, (1) if he has some sort of sexual problem relating to health or anything else , he needs to seek help, or maybe you see a sex therapist together, depending on what the issue is. (2) if he can't have sex, he could still pleasure you. This may be an option depending on whether this would satisfy you or not (3) he accepts you seeking sex outside of the marriage, which may mean you have a second relationship. This may not work for you and if I am honest, I think this is often unfair on the affair partner who can end up getting very hurt.

Same questions as above... is this a comparatively "new" thing or has it always been fairly low ebb?

Also, is the sex good when you do have it?

And, when you say you feel fat... Have you put on weight? Not making excuses for him or saying it's right or wrong but is it plausible he is being kind by not saying why or what he is struggling with, if perhaps he is finding you less attractive?? Not condoning his actions in any way OP ! xxx

He’s never had a high sex drive. Maybe once a week and I’m ok with that but over the last 2 years it’s got worse.

When he says he can’t I think it’s both. I think he struggles with an erection and then that means he isn’t in the mood. The last time we spoke I definitely thought he wanted to change but 11 weeks on and nothing so it makes me think he’s happy to coast. He can be so affectionate in the day lots of kissing and cuddling but it never leads anywhere. We don’t have major money worries (only the usual could always do with earning a bit more but we have everything we need and want and don’t go without for anything) I just don’t know what to do.

Counselling? For him, for us? GP? Separation?

I really just don’t know 😞

Thanks for replying too

When we do have it. It’s good. I’m always satisfied and so is he. I’ve always been chunky but this has never been an issue. I’ve put on about a stone in lockdown. The fact that he doesn’t want to makes me think it’s me but every time we have spoke he always says that isn’t the reason and he loves me no matter what my size. I do believe him but it doesn’t me feel less fat and unattractive if that makes sense

He's told you he's stressed at work. It sounds like there is a lot more going on than just his sex drive. He sounds like he's suffering with stress and/of depression.

Are you willing to separate your family over this? That's what you need to decide first of all. Then you need to decide if you're willing to give him a chance to make improvements. Tell him you will leave if it doesn't get fixed. Then see what happens.

I stayed in a situation very similar to yours. Once a year became separate bedrooms which became a divorce- we love each other but not sexually. In the process it really broke me - my self confidence, my zip for life. I became resentful and hostile. It was awful and I'd absolutely advise my DD were she ever to find herself living with and loving and desiring a man who will not (as opposed to cannot) be sexually intimate with her, to leave. The fact is, your DH has not "been intimate" with you not only sexually but also by not talking to you about his woes fears and needs. Sorry OP my experience is this just gets worse and worse

@Heneage

I stayed in a situation very similar to yours. Once a year became separate bedrooms which became a divorce- we love each other but not sexually. In the process it really broke me - my self confidence, my zip for life. I became resentful and hostile. It was awful and I'd absolutely advise my DD were she ever to find herself living with and loving and desiring a man who will not (as opposed to cannot) be sexually intimate with her, to leave. The fact is, your DH has not "been intimate" with you not only sexually but also by not talking to you about his woes fears and needs. Sorry OP my experience is this just gets worse and worse

This is the thing. I am starting to feel resentful and almost at the point that I don’t even want to have sex anymore. You nailed it. It feels like I’m being zapped of something.

I think we need a proper heart to heart and I absolutely think he needs to go to the gp. In my heart of hearts I’ve always thought he suffered with depression but as he never speaks to me about it I’ve only made assumptions. Depression would explain a lot but can’t see his sex drive coming back anytime soon so it’s something I need to have a long hard think about. But if it is depression I don’t wanna kick a man while he’s down

Has he spoken with the GP? Had tests? Ruled out medical causes?

It seems that this would be the logical first step.

@WatieKatie

Has he spoken with the GP? Had tests? Ruled out medical causes?

It seems that this would be the logical first step.

Not yet. I’m going to tell him to go next week otherwise we don’t stand a chance.

Find a good sex therapist

I think he's quite stressed and unhappy and this is how it's showing itself. Similarly if you need quite a lot of reassurance about your body that suggests you could do with working on yourself too

It really is no good saying I want to change but then taking no action to address the issue underneath the problem. It sounds like he actual needs therapy for himself, and your relationship is caught in the crossfire at the moment.

Man here, I think depression is almost certainly the explanation here, it makes getting an erection difficult and this in turn makes you more depressed, it can become a downward spiral. Happened to me in the past, but usually just a few days do a week or two, not months on end.

As others have said, he needs to engage with the issue and get treatment if necessary. It is unfair of him to impose celibacy on you, especially at such a young age, sex defines a relationship, if you are not having sex you are simply friends sharing a house.