How do you get your ducks in a row?

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I feel absolutely lost in life and really could do with some help. I've been with my husband for 30 years and we have 6 children. I had to stay at home to raise my family as who can afford childcare for 6 children? My children are now at an age where i could get a job but we live quite rurally so easier said than done. I have gone back to college and retrained but I'm still struggling to find a job and after several years of trying really hard to get a job i feel like I'm worthless. My dh has a really stressful job which I know he has been under intense pressure with for the past year. He is also very very clever and has a way with words. He can talk his way into or out of pretty much any situation. I am currently going through perimenopause which hasn't been kind to me and I feel like a hormonal mess. Anyway, I used to just go along with whatever dh wanted for a quiet life but my anxiety has gone through the roof so some things he wants to do I just cant cope with. For example it is our eldest 18th birthday in a couple of weeks and he wants to invite the world and his wife to come and hang out with us for a bbq and a few drinks. I meanwhile am freaking out because I dont want to have anyone come to the house other than a very small handful of our nearest and dearest because of covid rules etc. Anyway, we have had a huge bust up about this and I am so done with him trying to bully me into doing things. If you asked him he would say he is not bullying me. Anyway, I feel I've had enough of him and his ways and I'm ready to call it a day with him. I dont know where to begin though in the process of leaving him. I read about people saying to get all your ducks in a row but I wouldn't know where to begin. I am really feeling so low right now and just need someone to take my hand and guide me in the right direction. How can I cope on my own with no job or income?

In your situation I would firstly seek help for your perimenopause symptoms. There is no need to suffer and about a month after starting HRT I felt like a new woman. There are no prizes for suffering on without hormonal assistance. This will greatly increase your ability to cope.

When I first separated from my husband I was also a stay at home mum who hadn't worked for 5 years and couldn't return to my previous career as it didn't work around kids. I felt equally lost. I have since found a job and now earn more than my ex husband - something I thought would never be possible as he was a high earner and I never had been!

I think the biggest obstacle is the belief that life is so utterly miserable if you have to have a drop in income or circumstances that you would rather stay in a shit marriage. I had no choice - and went from a 'high status' life to living on benefits. This lasted for about two years - and I look back now and weirdly am GLAD it happened to me because it contributed to me fighting back and making something of myself and knowing I did it all by myself.

You are stronger than you think. Don't think you have to get millions of 'ducks in a row' - take control of your health, look into what benefits you would be entitled to, phone Rights of Women or find a solicitor to give you a sense of the legal way forward, and go from there.

PS any woman aged 45+ who suffers from just one perimenopause symptom (change in cycle OR anxiety/depression, hot flushes, interrupted sleep, headaches, palpitations etc) is by definition in perimenopause and entitled to hormonal correction treatment on the NHS. Lots of info here.

My sleep was horrific before starting - waking as early as 4am and sometimes waking every hour. If you get yourself on an even keel healthwise it will help your self-esteem AND help you cope.

Make copies of important financial documents and details of his income and pensions . Take your passport if you have one. Check out what benefits you may be entitled to . Speak to your doctor .

I have spoken to my doctor about some of my perimenopause symptoms which has resulted in some hospital investigations etc. Still no mention about hrt or anything though. I have another hospital appointment in 2 weeks and I'm going to ask about hrt then as I really feel I would benefit from it.

I think that you have hit the nail on the head with my belief that everything will be so shit with the change in circumstances and i think that is one of the main reasons that is holding me back. I just need to find my big girl pants and put them on. If only it was as easy to do as it is for me to say it.....

@sandgrown

Make copies of important financial documents and details of his income and pensions . Take your passport if you have one. Check out what benefits you may be entitled to . Speak to your doctor .

Everything is online on his private work computer. He keeps his financial affairs so private that I couldn't even tell you what he earns!

Don't tie yourself up in knots about the finances thinking you need to know it all before deciding anything.

You can get a private prescription for HRT very easily - I recognise this is not possible for everyone but rather than wait months/years in the NHS cycle (of being dependent on having a GP who knows even the vaguest thing about it - most don't), I went privately.

I had two consultations, immediate prescription as you don't need investigations or any tests once you've hit 45, and then contacted my GP surgery to get the prescription transferred over to NHS. Happy to share details if you're interested, it's possible to do it all over Zoom consultation. There is no need for hospital appointments if you are 45+ and have one or more symptoms.