Cannot stand relatives boyfriend but need to tolerate, how to do this convincingly?

[imaginethemdragons]

He has caused so much chaos and trauma but this family member loves him and talks about marriage and her future with him.
Myself and her other family members have now been no contact with this person for 6 months but still see our family member all of the time as we are very close.

There are things coming up that will mean that invitation will need to include him.
For her, we want to be polite, but I am seething with the shite he has pulled.

So, how to be a grown up, how to be nice as I wouldn’t do anything to hurt or upset our lovely family member.

Does your family member know how you feel about him?

She is aware of the utter chaos and deep deep hurt that he caused as it was devastating at the time for all concerned, her especially.
That was 6 months ago, things are relatively happy & settled now.
She knows as she never brings him with her when we are together. She talks about him occasionally.

I’m not sure if a discussion with her about our feelings would help as it feels a bit like hanging up and that is not at all what we want to do.

Ganging up

I think we need specifics.

Whats he actually done? Horrible,cruel things to your cousin/other people? Or is he not toeing the party line which annoys your family?

Without knowing what he said or did it is hard to know how you should respond.

** Myself and her other family members have now been no contact with this person for 6 months but still see our family member all of the time as we are very close.

There are things coming up that will mean that invitation will need to include him.**

Nope nothing needs to include him. I wouldn’t invite him if I didn’t like hi .

Relative & boyfriend moved in with her parents while saving for a deposit on a house.
Lived there rent free for nearly 3 years.
They are not a well off family by the way so there was an occasional financial contribution towards a takeaway every now and again but never ever from him, always from her.
The boyfriend didn’t lift a finger to contribute to the household at all during that time.
However, we are a very laid back family, kind, considerate and nothing was said. (That was revealed after this whole blow up) they all got on really well, he was welcome and treated really well.

They bought a lovely house, so happy for them.
Then her parents were selling to get a small bungalow nearby.
They found a perfect property but it needed doing up. 6 months was the estimate.
Much discussion and agreement the parents would move in, pay rent while doing the work.
Parents are honestly lovely, quiet, hard working people, very laid back & kind. Both work full time so out of the house all day every day.
After 2 weeks the boyfriend had a huge fit not with the parents but our relative because an unopened letter had been left on the stair ready to be taken up (literally just then) and a clean cup was on the draining board.
From there he was continuously having a go at her about her parents. She apparently said nothing, was stuck in the middle.

In the end after 3 weeks, he told her they had to leave and he didn’t want to be with her any more.

They were forced into a shell of a bungalow with no bathroom/kitchen/ heating in January,

She is still with him.

Does your relative not accept he has acted badly? I would maybe be clear with her that due to his actions her OH is not going to be invited to future family events but that you still want her to attend. I guess she may choose not to. Is she being abused by this man and maybe fearful of leaving him?

I honestly wouldn't invite him. She knows why. And if not I'd be honest. You can't bear to look at him after the way he treated her lovely parents.

If he had to be there I'd just blank him.

It's great that the family are laid back but they shouldn't be doormats.

The parents have not seen or spoken to him in 6 months. They do not bring him up in conversation with her, she is of course fully aware of what he has done.
No one wants to upset our relatives. She is absolutely lovely, just a lovely lovely human being. We all adore her.
It’s so hard.
He is a shit head and I want to punch his lights out.
But. That’s OBVIOUSLY not what I’m going to do but I’m that angry at this twat.

So he lived rent free for three years but then didn't fancy returning the favour? I wouldn't be inviting him to anything!
I'm surprised your lovely family member is still with him after that to be honest.

In the end after 3 weeks, he told her they had to leave and he didn’t want to be with her any more

So she chose to let her dps move into a shell of a house to keep her bf? Has she ever spoken to you or your dps about this?

Sometimes you need to hear yourself talk, to let a thought out of your head, so that there’s room for a new one. If you do talk to her about this, don’t jump down her throat for the first thing she says. Think of it as clearing the gunk out of the pipes.

He sounds very abusive. I can see that you want to keep her support network strong and the lines of communication open. I would be surprised if he shows his face at the upcoming event.

What a freeloading b*stard...

I wouldn’t have let my parents pay rent after I hadn’t paid rent either...

WHY does he need to be at the event? Maybe he will start acting like an adult if he’s not indulged like a child...

She's aware of why he isn't liked so should understand why he is left off the invite. It is likely she won't come on her own though, as it seems like she is more loyal to or afraid of upsetting him .

I would play the long game here. Yes, it is very tempting to not invite him to anything, ever. But, that plays into his hands. He will probably be perfectly happy to ignore you all and alienate your relative from her family.

Invite him and if he comes, play it polite but a bit detached. Light and breezy conversations etc. Do not let him drive a wedge between you all.

Yep. The long game is definitely the way to go.
Waiting for her to get wise to him and then naturally throw him onto the rubbish heap.
She comes by herself to everything to do with family gatherings so far.

I've got mixed feelings about these sorts of situations - we've got a similar one in our family at the moment.

I suppose you have to assume the relative sticking with the horrible boyfriend does so because of ... what?? Low self esteem? Resignation? Brain washing?

It gets even more convoluted and more bloody painful to watch when DC are involved.

So why can't she come on her own to this gathering too and if she knows full well who he has upset and why, they why can't those people all blank him at the event? After all, she'll know why he isn't being spoken too.

Sometimes I wish MN would join the 20th century and give us an edit button.

Surely he's very unlikely to attend anything?

You say she comes alone to events already, so what is it about the upcoming ones that make him coming likely?

If it's just that you want to make a point of not including him on the invitation, perhaps you should just swallow it down.