Should I reach out to an old boyfriend

[oldmeoldlife]

Does anyone else have a past relationship that ended and you carry it around with you for years?

Like, I still remember how I felt with this person and an old version of myself still loves them. I remember their voice, their hands, their face, moles on their back, mannerisms they had. Makes me feel a bit sick thinking about it. I still dream about them from time to time. I still look them up on social media (although I rarely find anything, they aren't particularly active online). I have thought to reach out over the years many many times partly out of curiosity and partly out of a strong desire to reconnect but I always stop myself.

I gave up smoking cold turkey two years ago and it's kind of like that really. The longer time goes on the bigger the gaps between when you think about smoking, but you still think about smoking regularly and you occasionally want to slip up and just have one. But then you think, no I've come this far smoking is bad for me I won't do it.

I have all these feelings and because I couldn't work through them at the time I just buried them and hoped they would go away in time. Well it's been seven years, they have faded because I've changed so much or rather I'm the same but my life has changed, but they're still there.

My partner who I'm with now I often feel is my soulmate and the person I was always meant to be with and I am very happy with him. We have had a baby a few months ago and she's amazing (hard work too) but I'm so proud when I look at her that WE made her. My point being, that these feelings I have for this old person are other, they won't touch what I have with my partner, they are old feelings from before them.

Should I reach out to the person? Everything has changed now and I want to know what they're up to. And maybe the rest of the feelings would be forgotten if I spoke to them? Like closure?

Or would it be opening a massive can of worms and bringing up some hard stuff all over again?

Does anyone else know what this feels like?

Hard to tell OP.

If you’re feeling this way, it might not be about THEM but maybe something from that time in your life that you’re missing, some sort of connection you’re missing in your relationship with current partner etc.

Also if you contact them again it might be Pandora’s box you’re opening, what happens if you start having feelings again for them? It’s easy to idolize a love from the past esspecially if they’re not your current partner.

I’d think carefully in your position if it’s the right thing to contact them and I am speaking from experience here.

I tried to rekindle a relationship from the past once . The fantasy was much better than the reality . Given that experience, I would comment that an ex is an ex for a reason. Wether the 'fault or problem that ended it ' was on your side or theirs. Probably best to not revisit unless you know for sure the fault is no longer an undercurrent waiting to pop up and shit on you ( or them )

If you're unsure of your feelings and reach out to them in the hope of gaining closure, be prepared that this could fall the other way and something begins.

Leave the past where it is and move forward, don't look back.

I wouldn't. And I'm a person who did end up being contacted by my old love, and ended up marrying him.

You say that

My point being, that these feelings I have for this old person are other, they won't touch what I have with my partner, they are old feelings from before them

But that could end up being incorrect. The old feelings could end up getting very mixed up with your current relationship . Your heart could start wanting that old person again. You say an old version of myself still loves them , but that "old person" is actually YOU.

If you do this, it could end up being very messy. Think about it this way.....how would you feel if your current partner, the father of your lovely DD, told you tonight that he had decided to get back in contact with one of his old girlfriends, one that he really loved , "just to find out how she is going". If you wouldn't like him doing that, then don't do it yourself. If you did it and told your DP, he'd likely be devastated , and if you did it and didn't tell, well I'm sure you know where that would end up.

You ask if anyone knows what this feels like - yes I know, yes I got back with my "old love" and we ended up getting married. But the circumstances were very different - I was divorced, grown up kids, and he was the same. Sometimes it's appropriate to follow up on an old love, and sometimes it isn't. In your case I'd strong advise not to do it.

No, of course you shouldn’t. What would you be hoping to achieve? The likelihood of being upset/disappointed is far higher than the chance of achieving some kind of closure.
Why did you break up? Are there issues with your new partner that are causing you to look elsewhere?

I had all kinds of weird feelings after my first baby including hauntings from the past, so to speak. Hormones or sleep deprivation, who knows. Anyway, no. Definitely do not make contact, is my advice.

Obviously you shouldn’t reach out, what a strange question. You have a partner — who I assume won’t be amused by your rekindling with an old flame.

How would you feel if you found out your partner was thinking this much about an old girlfriend, and wanted to contact her?

Just saying, it looks dodgy as hell. If this was a woman posting about her partner being like this about an ex, everyone would be saying he's getting ready to cheat. Not saying that's your plan, but it's a bit odd to be this obsessed with an ex when you are happy in a new relationship.

Leave it in the past. It's in the past for a reason.

What do you mean by 'closure' - to reach a place where you never think about him again? That's unlikely to happen - you can't erase your past, it forms part of the texture underlying who you are now.

Other than satisfying your curiosity about what he's doing now, I can't see that contacting him would achieve anything. On the contrary, it might upset your present partner, it might upset your ex and it might upset your ex's present partner, if he has one. Overall, it's a bad idea.

It's really difficult. I had this recently and the rush of feelings which came back were intense. It was 'the good one' absolutely no regrets on either side, we were on the verge of reconnecting and then one, then the other of us got cold feet.
We're no longer in contact now (easier all round) and instead of feeling this warm glow about him abs everything that happened I just feel intense sadness. I don't know how to fix it. I'm gutted.

@SmokeyDevil my very thoughts exactly !

My horrible ex often did this with various exes, and made me feel like some needy lunatic when it hurt me.

I would have no objection to a partner still being friends with their exes, but to suddenly resurrect it out of the blue - that was hard to take. He even sent one of them old love poems he had written for them, and refused to accept that this was in any way something I had a right to feel upset about.....

After he broke up with me, lo and behold he ended up sleeping with a couple of these women, to my knowledge - maybe more.....

Basically, I think it’s disrespectful to your current fella. And I’m very liberal about male/female friendships while in a relationship etc. Would you be planning on telling your bloke? Not sure if it’s better or worse if you do to be honest.....

Having been on the receiving end of this, PLEASE avoid it if you can......

So you have a happy relationship and are a new mum with a nice family, but you still want to re-engage with your ex? 🤨

You sound confused and obsessed if you keep checking his sm, don’t do it and it’s completely disrespectful to your current partner.

If you contact that old boyfriend then it's very likely your current relationship will end and you will have to share custody of your child.

Think about it!

Everyone has nice memories of past boyfriends. You and he ended that relationship - perhaps dwell on that for a bit?

I think what you're yearning for is that person you were before you had a baby - it's a huge life-change. Your life would not be better if you got in touch with this guy - it would become hellish very quickly.

@FiveGs

If you're unsure of your feelings and reach out to them in the hope of gaining closure, be prepared that this could fall the other way and something begins.

Leave the past where it is and move forward, don't look back.

This.

No, you shouldn't because your loyalty should lie with your current partner and you've no idea of the damage that could result, to the ex as well as you and your partner. I assumed you were single when I started reading your post.

I have an ex I still have feelings about though we were together decades ago, not 7 years. But I have maintained contact so we've met up occasionally over the years (as friends, my current partner knows about all our meet ups).

He (ex) has annoyed me at times, but I still have some feelings for him. I can also remember the less attractive traits and the reasons we broke up. We had a connection for a while I maybe never had in the same way with anyone else but that doesn't mean it would be right to rekindle anything. (I enjoy fantasing about it sometimes though, but it is just a fantasy.)

OP don’t do it.

This happened to me ten years ago now and although it was the ex contacting me it has ultimately ended with my being divorced and a single Mom. There was no affair but the effect it had on my exh was irreparable and led him to leave.
Looking back now I realise I had already lost respect for my exh over a completely unrelated matter prior to this happening.

I agree with other posters that it’s likely tied in to your recently becoming a Mom. It’s such a life changing experience and it’s not always the happy time we’re led to believe it will be.

Try and take some time to spend together with your baby and partner now and consider some counselling if you feel it’s needed.