Big girl pants needed

[SprayGunForBanksy]

I have to end a 4 year relationship today. Its bot going anywhere, and I'm fed up of being the grown up. Our incompatibility is starting to make me resentful and it's not healthy.

We don't live together so that's easier and he's not an awful person, just the wrong one. Really can't be bothered with a relationship any more- I just want to not have the faff.

I just feel a right cow because we've been here before but I've always relented and know he's going to be difficult again this time. Which is because he'll be upset.

Just tell me to get a grip please.

No kids and don't live together? You got this 💪🏼

It will be better for both of you if you split. Remind yourself that you are both losing your chance to be happy if you stay together
End it and make it clear that no contact is the best way forward for both of you

We do both have children and this is one of the reasons I know we need to split. Our ways are very different and I can't see how we could ever blend together.

I have not listened to my gut on this one and have ignored lots of red flags along the way, not awful massive ones but stuff that should have made me realise this was a dead horse early on.

I can't wait to feel the relief if I'm honest, its just the next 24 hours are going to be miserable. And then I'll have to put up with the texts and calls and flowers and tears and "but we are meant to be with each other, I can't believe you've let me pour my whole heart and soul into us for the last 4 years for you to throw it all away"

I do think he has a madonna/whore complex or borderline personality disorder or something, the instability of his views abput our relationship are one of the reasons I'm ending it. It's just not healthy for the kids (even if we don't operate as a family and mine don't see him much) and of course me.

The good stuff I get out of the relationship just isn't enough.

You have got this. 💐

You can do it. Keep your eye on what it’ll be like once you’re out the other side rather than this immediate tricky bit

If he does have BPD fear of abandonment can be a big issue, hence the tears and suchlike.

You'll need a bit of strength to stick to your guns but he won't be changing your mind by being difficult again. I hope it goes as smoothly as possible

I just feel a right cow because we've been here before but I've always relented and know he's going to be difficult again this time.

You don't owe this man a relationship.

You don't owe anyone a relationship.

Calling yourself a 'right cow' for being true to yourself is all back to front, don't you see?

Just keep reminding yourself that you have to do this to free both yourself and him to find happiness, and model healthy self-respect and relationships for your children. He isn’t ready to see that yet, but that doesn’t mean you’re any less right.
If you feel yourself wobbling and need some back up then there will always be someone here to hold your hand. You’ve got this.

I would make a plan now to deal with the response that you know you'll get from him, some sort of Ulysses pact, tie yourself to the mast so that you can't succumb to his siren song

You can do it. Sometimes you have to fight for yourself and your truth and happiness. Fight through this bit, the horrible gut-sinking tough bit, and come out the other side brimming with relief and self respect.

@Oenanthe yes thats exactly how I feel. I have had some difficulties establishing boundaries previously (notably with exh, my children's dad who I was with for 20 years. Hence the now ex.)

I have grown up a lot in the 6 years since we split though and it feels like this hurdle might be a major breakthrough for me, the not people pleasing/allowing someone else to determine what my life should look like has become clearer over lockdown as I guess I've had more time to reflect.

Plus I'm hurtling through perimenopause and tbh men, in a romantic sense, can just fuck.right.off

Think of it this way. Don't waste another 4 years.

Enjoy the feeling of release once you've done it. You've got this.

Oh sending support...

End it and draw a Hard line under it OP.. 🌸

You owe this to yourself and your children. But especially to yourself.

I love mumsnet. Thank you all so much for your words of support, isnt it odd how the uplift from strangers can be so valued

@SprayGunForBanksy

I love mumsnet. Thank you all so much for your words of support, isnt it odd how the uplift from strangers can be so valued

Imagine you have a bunch of friendly vipers at your back when you do it.

The world would be a better place if more women trusted their own instincts and left unhappy relationships before they got enmeshed via children and money. You're doing exactly the right thing.

Well it's done. I thought of all your words of encouragement and it really did help me to stick to my guns. Cant thank you all enough

Well done OP.

You should be really proud of yourself

🌹🌷🌸

Well done, SprayGun . I hope he leaves you in peace now.

@Orgasmagorical thank you he

He text me once after he left but nothing else since which is good. I feel such an immense sense of relief, really looking forward to spending my day exactly as I please without feeling like I should be giving it up for him.

I realise now how much I had allowed my boundaries to be compromised. I thought I had done better this time round and whilst I had, I've still got a lot of work to do in that area.

Put me right off relationships I can tell you!

Well done OP it always feels so easy to just keep plodding along but you've done the right thing for you and your kids and that's the only thing that matters.

Thank you @BagORats :)

Someone upthread mentioned attachment styles. He is definitely insecurely attached and I tend towards avoidant so we had got to an unhappy place of me pushing away (boundaries) and him chasing which wore me down until I gave in. We'd split up a number of times over the 4 years and I am so relieved this is the last time.

It felt like a relationship based on childish behaviour and not adult values. I'd got to a place where I could see it was unhealthy for everyone.

For the first time in my life I am really very happy to be single!