Debts and lies

[123Foot]

I think I know the answer already but, I am struggling to move on. I have been married for 12 years and have 2 children. A couple of years ago my husband got into debt. It was obviously my fault! Apparently we were living beyond our means. I only found out about the debt as I got a court summons. We consolidated and cleared those. Recently he lost his job, and also got into more debt. We have nothing to show for the £30000 + that he’s spent over the years. He’s even managed to take out a loan that’s now secured on our home. My friends all think he manipulates me and has done for years. We have separated but basically he here all the time. I have no idea where the moneys gone he Denys it’s drugs. Everyone things I am doing well but I am really struggling. He is so convincing at saying he just rubbish with money. He also said there has been issues for years he’s been unhappy and blames me for where we are now. He has terrible mood swings and is glass half full person, that I don’t always listen to him. So he feels like there is no respect for him. But he lies! How can you respect someone who Iies. I am just so confused where to go next

No advice but my guess is he has a secret gambling problem

Sounds like a gambling problem if it's not drugs. Is he looking for work to pay it off.

My ex is like this. He could go out drinking. Taxis and food and easily spend £200. I couldn't fathom it. His situation is no better now we are separated. He lives in shared house even though he earns well.

Stop engaging. Separate yourself as much as you can financially. He will blame you because he has no wish to reflect upon his own behaviour and actions. You can't change him. Just how you respond.

Get legal advice on how to move forward. Claim child support if he is working. And ignore everything that you can. Discuss selling the house. Child support and contact only.

Oh and it turned out to be a cocaine problem too.

I think it is also a cocaine problem too. I just feel incredible sad that he’s lost everything. If only he would have come out and actually said what it was things may have been different. He’s made me feel like I am loosing my mind..but when you pieces together all the stories it doesn’t add up.

He’s got a job now, but owes so much he’s not got any. Money really.

I am in the process of seeing what can be done with house. I can’t buy him out but considering taking over mortgage and ask if he will wait a couple of years for his money.

You need to get that debt off the house. Did you agree to it ?
Get a solicitor, a personal bank account, and ask him to leave. No one would be doing drugs around my kids.

And saying it’s your fault is emotional abuse.

I didn’t agree to it, but he owes half the house so he took out a loan that went on it because he didn’t pay it. I had no knowledge of the loan.

He doesn’t live here anymore, we are trying to separate, but I have know him for 30 years so it’s hard... I guess I was just asking peoples opinion to back up I don’t the right thing and wasn’t mad!

You are doing the right thing and you are not mad.

You need to separate. He can’t be honest with you about where the money is going and he clearly has no interest in changing.

You can have happiness peace and security without him in your life. It won’t happen if you stay with him

Thanks everyone nearly 50 too! So the though od being on my own with 2 young boys wasn’t part of my plan. But then I guess I have to stay positive as there will be something better in store for me

It will be hard.
It will be better.
I can promise that.

I'm leaning towards gambling, if it were drugs you would have more evidence by now I'd guess.
Whatever it is it's his problem and not yours.
By the sound of it he's had every opportunity to talk to you but he hasn't so now he can fettle himself.

Sorry that this happened, it's shit

You are doing all the right things. I didn't twig it was drugs because I'm stupid. Not something in my circle at all but he never had any money. Always out until 4/5am. Etc. Once I twigged there was lots of sniffing and blood stained tissues too.

I'm 50 next year 2 kids. And I'm content. My ex is still on my mortgage. Until he pays his child support consistently I can't do it in my own name.

The children are much happier. Settled and more relaxed at home around me. He is Unpredictable and they both 'out of sorts' when he is around.

You have this. Just keep going day by day and protect yourself emotionally. And financially as best you can.

Op, you didn't consent to the loan on the property. You need to call the loan provider And a solicitor and find out if you can sell t your property and take the loan from his share . You should NOT be paying for a C loan that he took without your knowledge. And if you pay the mortgage now without any proof that the debt is his he could take half your home. You need to be mega careful unlocking at this.