Ending a marriage

[CazzyJack]

How to broach the subject of ending a marriage? What to say to someone who wont listen and literally be heartbroken?

I hate to upset people. Im a bit of a people pleaser which i think is why im still here 20 years later! He's not a bad man but is a drinker. I just cant see a future, or want a future/retirement with him.

Id just like my own place with the kids and be able to make a decision without constantly being nitpicked and making “the wrong decision” in his eyes. I just want to start again.

Any advice? Should i have the conversation and move out with my child? Ive tried to split up with him over the years but we just keep swinging round in circles and plodding along. I mean is this just normal 20 years in?? Should i just put up for the sake of my child?

Re your comments in quotemarks:-
"Any advice?"

Get legal advice and asap from some local firms of Solicitors with reference to divorce proceedings. Find one you can work with and start planning your exit from this marriage.

"Should i have the conversation and move out with my child?"

Do not make such a decision until you have sought legal advice initially.

"Ive tried to split up with him over the years but we just keep swinging round in circles and plodding along"
Your people pleasing behaviour is partly responsible for that, ask yourself too what you are getting out of this relationship now.

" I mean is this just normal 20 years in?? Should i just put up for the sake of my child?"
NO is the answer to both questions here. Well its par for the course for a marriage where a drinker is present; its never really stable in your house is it?. And what do you want to to teach your children about relationships, what are these young person learning here from you two?. This is NOT the relationship model they should be witness too; alcoholism and a people pleaser (you may also be codependent) makes for a very bad relationship combination. Would you want your children to have a relationship like yours is; no you would not and its not good enough for you either.

I would also think your soon to be ex husband will be more pissed off and somewhat annoyed that his easy life on the gravy train you've enabled and otherwise provided will be over for him rather than supposedly heartbroken. He has never listened not has cared a jot about your own feelings here and you've been putting your own self last.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up; unlearn the rubbish you were taught!. People pleasing comes from inherent low self esteem and its linked to codependency labyrinthhealing.com/blog/what-makes-a-people-pleaser.

Address your people pleasing behaviours through counselling/therapy; its done you no favours whatsoever and has also kept you in a marriage that should have ended years ago.

You only have to give your own self permission to leave.

Agree with pp, get legal advice first.

Also, consider your own safety.
Is it possible that your soon to be ex DH could do something dramatic? Your safety is paramount. Not his feelings. Write it in a letter if you have any doubts how he will react and if you’re scared of how he might react.

@AttilaTheMeerkat @LaBellina
Thank you for your replies. I dont think he would do anything drastic or put me at risk but there would be a lot of drama and tears. I think eventually we would be friends again, hopefully, for the kids.

Ive contacted a local solicitor for an initial appointment. Ive also listed out in my notes on my phone our circumstances eg savings, situation with kids, wage, pension info etc.

Thanks for the link, yes its definitely me! I grew up in a house with lots of older siblings (one of 8) and always felt my parents just couldn’t be bothered by the time it came to me. I see a lot of myself in that description, even the bit about rebelling. Never felt seen/good enough. Moulded myself to fit in with “friends” don't really know who i am now. Would like to find out tho.

Re drinking- we have always been big drinkers until we had kids. Then i stopped (to be the best mum i can be) and he continued. I resent him as its part of everyday and more on weekends. I know if i stay with him itll be my life when the kids leave/retirement but i feel so much better not drinking. I think id rather be on my own