Friend asking for distnace

[Astridastrid]

We haven’t seen each other throughout Covid (due to distance and regulation - so for a year and nor have we had phone catch-ups or FaceTime etc) and have been best friends for 15 years+. Have been trying to arrange meet-ups but friend has rearranged or cancelled for financial and mental health reasons (which have both seemed legitimate). Friend expressed interest in a meet up soon, which I organised, then cancelled saying that there was tension and pressure for her to attend and she felt like I was being let down by her... I’m so so sad. She has now asked for time and space. I’m a bit lost for words - time and space from what? I don’t really know what else to do or say. I have sent a long message expressing how important the friendship is to me and have had this reciprocated (it’s also very important for her too / the last things she wants to do is upset or hurt me / she loves me) but equally that she feels she is letting me down and there is lots of unspoken feeling / tension within our messages, so for that reason she would like some time? What do I do?!

Give her time and space and let her come to you. Let her organise the next meeting and stop sending messages.

I have literally sent messages every three months. So not bombarding. She always replies

Do you know if she's getting any support for her mental health, family and/ or professional? Depression lies to us, tells us we're not worthy, it sounds like she's in that mindset at the moment.

You're doing the right things. If you get in touch in a few months, don't mention meeting up, keep it very general. Hopefully in time she'll feel better about herself and realise that she is valued and not a burden.

I was going to suggest depression too.

I think she is getting regular therapy and having significant mental health support which I’m really glad about. Needless to say I am always here for and have said that to her.

If she has a therapist, I think I would go with her wishes but not feel bad about it.

She needs time and space for her. It sounds like she wants to meet up but the reality of doing it is overwhelming.
None of this is a reflection on you in any way. She feels bad about letting you down.
I wouldn't make any mention of meeting, she knows you're there for here. Contacting her every 3 months is fine.
It's hard to get the balance because she needs space when you're barely in touch but I think it's good that you still are checking in. You don't want to fall off the radar completely.

If she has been very insular, then meeting people again CAN seem stressful. Re-entry syndrome, I think they're calling it. Tis a thing

Due to a lot of losses I sunk into a depression and literally backed away from all my friends. It wasn’t their fault at all but I found things they said triggered me to have breakdowns for entire days ( just telling me they were pregnant for example) I withdrew for my own protection. I could control what I was exposed to. It feels safer being disconnected sometimes. Don’t take it personally and let her know you’re always there for her and to come back when she’s ready. My bf said this to me and I will one day. I still think about her everyday and miss her but I just can’t deal with other people at the moment. Depression is insular and selfish like that. Sometimes you need to retreat from the world to recover. I hope she has a partner or someone supporting her though. I’ve found counselling helpful