4.5yr relationship over :(

[asnugglysnerd]

I don't know why I'm posting, I just feel hopeless and heartbroken.

My girlfriend and I were together for 4.5 years and last week on Tuesday she asked for space and time to decide if she wanted to be with me.

No contact till the Friday when she phoned me and ended it.

That Tuesday we had a matching meeting for 2 children we were hoping to foster. We had been waiting for this meeting for 4 weeks. She had spent £1000 in IKEA for furniture for the children's rooms, and 3 weeks prior to ending it had signed a lease on a new family car.

We had been going through the fostering assessment process for about a year and had been approved in March.

I have suffered with anxiety and OCD since 2011, and it's a struggle. She initially was so supportive and really tried, but over the last year and a half, the support has turned in to frustration, anger and annoyance that my anxiety can't just be fixed. In January, she spoke to me and said she didn't want to be in a relationship where there was bickering and arguing, so I made a huge effort to turn things around... in March I noticed things had slipped again, and I went to the doctors for medication, and started up sessions with the therapist again. Even the Monday before this all happened I'd gone to the doctors and asked for my dosage to be increased.

She said she used to have sympathy but now it just annoys her and feels like attention seeking. She felt like she was holding us both up and felt like she would have a breakdown. I used to have huge anxiety spikes which were a 10/10, then the anxiety would die down to about. 2/10... more recently (and certainly over lockdown) I haven't had any big episodes but general anxiety has been at about 7/10... it manifests in me feeling really defensive and irritable, judged and like I could do nothing right... I'd then overreact quite quickly and things would escalate. She really tried hard to support me and god knows, it must be hard work being in a relationship with someone with anxiety. But I know there would have been more we could have done.

I've worked damn hard on minimising the effect of OCD and it's been hard but worth it. But every little routine she would attribute to OCD. Every little concern or worry she would attribute to anxiety... she bought an engagement ring and when we were arguing she told me about it... but she said until I changed how I behaved, she wouldn't be proposing.

I'm devastated and I don't know what to do.

We have a house, mortgage, joint finances, 2 dogs... our lives are completely intertwined :(

Please say this gets easier... I can't stop crying.

Sorry to hear this @asnugglysnerd. Sounds like you've done your best to make it easier for your gf, but unfortunately we can't control how others feel.
There's a control element from her, where she is basically saying unless you behave a certain way, she won't propose. Love is unconditional and you shouldn't have to keep making excuses for yourself. I've been there and it is utterly exhausting! As painful as it is, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I spoke to my doctor who referred me for counselling, which I can honestly say saved my life.
Give her the space she's asked for. Don't be needy and try and be occupied outside of her. It is hard but you have to force it. Think hard if this is the sort of life you want for yourself as sometimes when people reject us, they are actually doing us a favour.
6 months after my break-up I met my now husband and can't believe I once thought I couldn't live without my ex. I am in a much better place and realised some of my enxiety was because of him.
Set yourself free and if she's the one, it won't be this hard. Sending (((hugs))) .

It sounds like you were dealing with your health problems very sensibly, snuggly, and trying to take her needs into account too.
Anxiety is hard to live with, and it doesn't sound as if she was massively understanding about it, unfortunately. And I agree that telling you about the ring during an argument is unpleasant emotional manipulation - not love.
Take everything in small steps, starting out with the most urgent, rather than trying to do everything at once, and you'll get through it.

It’s hard OP, allow yourself you feel angry and upset (try not to take it out on her though) these are very normal grieving responses to a life you thought you were going to have. It’s a massive and difficult change, you have tried your very hardest.

I just want to tell you that you can absolutely foster on your own in the future when everything is sorted, if this is a dream of yours you don’t need to be with anybody to do it. It just needs to be the right placement for you.

Deep breath. Give yourself grace x

Being in a relationship with someone with severe anxiety is hard. The only people I know who've managed it successfully have been in co-dependent relationships with 'fixers'.

I disagree that love is unconditional in romantic relationships. Relationships are supposed to enhance our lives. If this relationship was not enhancing hers then she was right to end it.

it manifests in me feeling really defensive and irritable, judged and like I could do nothing right... I'd then overreact quite quickly and things would escalate

This would be stressful to live with and may have had her feeling like she was walking on eggshells. She should have ended it before she got to the point of being unkind to you but it sounds like you both tried to make it work.

Take time to take care of yourself

Love is unconditional and you shouldn't have to keep making excuses for yourself.

What a ridiculous and dangerous statement. Love between partners should never be unconditional. That would mean you are willing to accept and tolerate any behaviour, no matter how bad and abusive it gets.

I'm sorry, op, but it seems as though your ex just couldn't cope with your anxieties anymore. She definitely should have ended it sooner.

I’m sorry @asnugglysnerd I have OCD and anxiety since 2006 and I know how difficult it is. My ex used it against me to try to make me look like I was crazy. My current DP is wonderful and understanding of my “quirks”. It did take A LOT of work and time on my part to get where I am today. Please don’t give up working on yourself. If she doesn’t want you because of your OCD (and I get it- it can be very difficult for those around us), then she’s not the one for you xx

I totally agree - everyone has the right to end a relationship they're not happy in. Of course they do.

I'm just so sad about how "out of the blue" it is, and along with all the furniture, cars and meetings for fostering.

I can't imagine being happy:(