Still loves me but not sure we have a future

[springflowers222]

Hi everyone, I’m looking for advice on my relationship. I got lots of really good advice before here on a bad relationship I was in, which I’m no longer in and it really helped me. Sorry, this is long.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 15 months now. We met right before lockdown which meant we spent a lot of time together early on. He told me he loved me pretty quickly, after about six weeks, and we were exclusive from the beginning. We get on really well but have kind of been in a bubble since we met. I don’t live in my home country and although we speak English together, when we’re with his friends and family I have to speak his language which is tough. I have quite a good level or so I thought until I had native speakers talking at me all at once. Because of lockdown social events have been limited and infrequent but he says he’s worried I’ll always be uncomfortable. I try to talk and fit in but there comes a point where I feel like my head is exploding and I go quiet. I also frequently just don’t understand what’s going on. I do feel anxious usually because I can see he’s annoyed with me. Lately I sensed he was off with me and I finally got him to tell me what was wrong and he told me he loves me, doesn’t want to break up with me but has doubts that it won’t work because of this. He also said he thinks if we broke up his life wouldn’t change since we haven’t really built anything together the past year. I was surprised by this because I don’t see how we could have. I haven’t been able to travel home, my friends and family haven’t come to see me, social events were banned or restricted and we also don’t live in the same city, which means we travel an hour to see each other, and he spends most of the week with me, (we both live alone) but this isn’t a problem for either of us. When I said this he said he accepted it and that it’s possible we just couldn’t have built anything. He said he wants to build a relationship and that he’s always been doubtful in relationships because he’s been in love and it didn’t work out. He’s had three long-ish relationships. I feel awful. I just wondered has anyone been in a similar situation where their boyfriend said they had a doubt and it worked out. He’s 35 and I’m 37. I love him but I’m terrified I’m heading for huge heartbreak.

Thank you to anyone who reads this!

Your language will get better quickly when you are constantly exposed to it. It is uncomfortable at first and very tiring but it does get better quickly. I emigrated several years ago and I can remember the first 6 months often being overwhelmed and exhausted when lots of people were talking or when I had to communicate for several hours in the language.
He shouldn't be assuming that you will always feel uncomfortable and anxious because it will change with time. I also think you should communicate with him more in his language so that you can practise when only one person is speaking to you rather than a large group and also you can revert to English after a while when you get to the head exploding point.
I think you should talk to him more about the language issue and that this is not a permanent situation.

The not being able to build a relationship stuff is a bit weird though. You have built a relationship. What more does he want at this point? You're spending a lot of time with each other. You've met his friends and family etc.

Is the language thing a red herring/excuse? Are there other, perhaps cultural, reasons why he thinks it's not a good fit?
I think you need to have more discussions with him about this whole thing.

I don't see what he would have expected you to have built at this stage? You spend a lot of time together, have met his friends.

Also it sounds like he isn't very understanding when you get overwhelmed at events after keeping up in another language for a long period. It's difficult.

Could he be trying to cool things down and find an excuse?

Thank you both for the reply. There are no big cultural differences between us, other than I suppose I find everyone a bit loud and a bit less reserved than I'm used to. I've thought that it's an excuse and maybe he's backing off now that things are opening back up again and he's bored. He says he doesn't want to break up. I've asked him a few times and he says no, that he loves me. We do speak in his language quite a bit and I have friends who I meet up with to practice which is why he gets annoyed when I don't do well in social events but it's just way easier one-on-one. With him, I can also just switch when I can't say something. I was shocked by his reaction the first time and I think things just spiralled from there. I was also shocked by how uncomfortable I felt and I think he is frustration is somewhat justified.

Thank you for taking the time to reply :)