How do I leave my husband?

[Cheeseandchutney]

I've made the decision (I think!) that I don't want to be in a relationship with my husband anymore. He's not a horrible person but I've just fallen out of love since having our son 5 years ago and I feel he's taken me for granted ever since. I'm currently in the relationship only for our son because I'm so worried about damaging him but I'm also desperately unhappy.

Aside from the emotional worries there's also the financial. I work full time in a school term time only and only take home just under £1k a month so there's no way I could afford a place on my own for me and my son. My husband works shifts every other week so could have my son with him 50% of the time which I assume means no child maintenance payment.
We have a mortgage in joint names and about £160k equity in our house. We have been together 15 years, married for 7.

I feel absolutely terrified at the prospect of going ahead with this and devastated at the thought of having to share our son who is my absolute world.

Please help!!

Every journey begins with that 1st step.

So just take things step by step.

1. Make an appointment with a solicitor to get advice.
2. Collect together legal documents eg passports, birth certificates, etc
3. Collect together (and photocopy) all financial paperwork (bring it to the solicitor appointment).

Once you have had legal advice and have everything you need organised, then you are ready to actually leave (or to ask him to leave, which would be better for your DC).

Lots of MN posters will be along to give you more advice, which may well be better than mine (it's been a long time since I got divorced), but remember, it's just one step at a time, until you achieve your goal.

Good luck x

First of all, your son will still be your absolute world. You're not damaging him. You're giving him two happy homes instead of one sad one. You will be entitled to tax credits too. Go here www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators and put in what you'd have if you were single.

Then make an appointment with a solicitor. You sound like you're getting ahead of yourself a bit...understandable...but your husband may not want 50-50....and if not, you may be able to stay in your house and he might have to contribute to the mortgage.

Get legal advice immediately. Come back here when you've done each step OP...we'll cheer you on. Even a phone call. x

Following because this is me also.

@Dancingbinbags

Following because this is me also.

Hope you are ok xx

Hello, just sending my love to you. I'm in a similar position expect my husband is a bit of an arsehole. He has become especially bad in last few weeks as he knows I'm unhappy and he is therefore v defensive and insecure. I'm have two DC (both under 3) and like you am so unhappy but I love my two little boys so so much. I know everyone on here does but just this morning my little toddler was climbing on my DHs back shouting "dad dad dad" and I had to leave the room I was so upset that I'm planning to split that up. But I in my thirties...I can't be married to him for next 40 years. I'm so so sorry. I just wanted to say you're not alone. People on here will be v encouraging that you need to look after your onw happiness and I agree but I also know how terrifying and heartbreaking it is to break up a home and for what life may become x

Soz for typos. Written in rush x

My ex was a violent twat. I left and took the kids while he was at work and divorced him shortly after.

He sent his mate round (to my mums) saying that he was heartbroken, my mum told him that a women wouldn't leave her nice home on a bloody whim.

Heartbroken!! he was re-married within a year.

Remember that you will get 50 per cent of everything, so £160k equity means £90k for you - that's a damn good deposit in many areas of the country.

Or - if you can do this amicably, your H might decide to pay the mortgage on the house (or an interest-only from this point in) for you and your son until he finishes school and then sell.

My husband did, because I made no other claim on him. Financially, looking at it objectively, I lost massively (I made no claim on his pension, savings, investments etc). But I kept my son's home, and my ex (we did the interest-only) made loads of money in the end (house price increases) so he was happy to do it.

So there are options for you financially.

I wouldn't go to a solicitor as the first step though, unless your H is abusive. Speak to him. Go to counselling together. Even if it doesn't save the marriage (it probably won't because you are almost out the door, as was I), it will help both of you. It will help you to clarify why this has to end, and it will help him to get to where you are, at least in part - they often will counsel individual partners when it becomes apparAnd please donent that one really is done.

And please don't worry about your son - he is still so young, and the age my son was when we divorced. He has often said how he cannot imagine me and his dad together, and how much he loves having 2 homes and a step-brother and step-mum that he would never have known if we had stayed together. My ex is much happier, and so am I (I am single).

Oh, and my son has just said don't forget your son will get 2 Christmasses and 2 birthdays. He's now 20 - he's often said he feels sorry for children who only get one Christmas and Birthday!

I also promise you that the times on your own, without your son, will eentually become times you treasure. I also do woner if we would have had such a strong bond if I had stayed with son's dad. I know he would not have had such a strong bond with his dad.

My ex became a great dad when we split up - I don't know that he would have been so hands-on uf he hadn't had to be.

I'm trying to think of a downside, but I can't. (Except for me then getting into an abusive relationship - but hey, shit happens and shit makes you good at cleaning up shit to a better shine than before)

Following as I am questioning my relationship with DP. No children together but both have children from previous relationships. I live in his house and no joint finances so should be an easy split from that point - if I can find somewhere to go. Just need to make the first step.