My dad and me - what to do?

[tullytwo]

I have had an up and down relationship with my dad - details arent important but he really emotionally upsets me when I see him- he just has than affect on me even if he doesnt do or say anything iykwim?

Anyway I emailed him in July to basically say (again) that I really didnt want any contact with him anymore and gave him my reasons (again) - nice email and to the point. I dont want to hurt his feelings but I need to protect my well being.

He replied in usual style - didnt understand etc but wanting to maintain a relationship with my kids and me. He always says this but nothing ever changes.

Anyhow its his birthday this weekend and also christmas is coming up and I dont know what to do especially in regards to the kids.

Do send him a birthday card? I dont really want to but I also dont want it to be taken as some big gesture and give him an excuse to feel hurt and confused.

Dp has offered to be with the kids and let him see them before christmas if he wants to but I dont know how to explain why I am not there.

Basically I am so much happier not seeing or communicating with him - its as simple as that and I just want to be left alone - its not a big gesture for attention etc.

Is any of this making sense? Advice please.

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No he wasnt abusive not directly - more like indirectly emotionally abusive - so I dont mind the kids seeing him for now supervised. I may review it when they are older though.

I just have a hard time doing what I need to for myself as I am made to feel (mainly by my older sister) as if I have issues and I really need to sort them out. I have tried and this is the only course of action which helps me.

Thanks for replying

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i think you must do what you feel comfortable with. don't send him a card if you don't want to, and don't feel guilty about it. part of healing past hurts is moving on and acting within your boundaries. don't allow society conventions or guilt make you do something you'd rather not.

as they say, 'to thine self be true'.

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I am in a similar situaton to your self but a bit further down the line. I havent spoken to my father for over a year. We had a falll out 3 weeks before his birthday and I decided not to send a card as it would (in my eyes) be sending mixed messages. My life is beter without hi although sometimes its tricky due to other family members. My dads wife sends a birthday card to DD but I hope in time this will stop. I decided I didnt want her to see him as I didnt feel it beneficial for him to be in her life. Like you the abuse was emotional and to some extent difficult to quantify but all I know is he upset me and hurt me and bow he can't. Like others have said you have to do whats right for you and your DCs.

I'm in this sit with my Mum - its 2 years now since we have spoken. Basically my life is so much better, happier, less complicated etc without her in it, for me, dh and the kids (good relationship with my Dad - they've been seperated for over 20 years). I did want to be in touch with her until March, when my Gran died and at her funeral my mother totally blanked me - didnt even make eye contact. So thats pretty much it, as far as I am concerned. I wont have her treat my kids the way she has treated me - totally on again, off again, depending on what suits her.
So thats 2 christmases we have done nothing, and in a week it is her 60th, adn I will do nothing (though I did send her flowers after Gran died as she had looked after her so well) as I kind of regard it as a relationship that has died. Its sad that it is my Mum, but thats the way it goes sometime. SHe walked out on us all when I was 12, and though I have forgiven her, its something which will always reverbate through my life.

There is a long support thread for people who have lost touch (or cut off contact) with parents - it's in Relationships, and has a title like 'My mother has cut me out of her life'.

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