Hi. Sorry for the long post. Read on though, I’m sure you’ll find interesting.
I am a 57 yo divorced man. I have been dating a lady for the last 2 and a half years, one year my elder. It is apparent I really need to let her go, but I’m having troubles pulling the plug.
The highs of this relationship have been as high as anything I’ve ever experienced. I do care for her deeply. She’s very nurturing, and makes me feel strong emotionally. We share decent chemistry in a lot of things. She’s also very pretty and sensual. In fact, I have been easily having the best sex of my life...and I’m now officially pushing 60! I’m pretty certain this is part of my difficulties in calling it quits (of which I’ll elaborate more below), but there are other things.
All these positives are with the “sober” lady. Unfortunately, my girlfriend has an insanely fierce alcohol abuse disorder. She is one of those ”dual diagnosis” addicts that not only includes the addiction, but also other comorbid psychiatric and psychological issues mixed in. What comes first is hard to say, but she is in a viscous circle that she just cannot seem to break, and her disorder has been many years ongoing. In fact her liver is now ailing where she may be in early stages of cirrhosis. This knowledge does not seem to get her to stop the absolutely insane quantities of alcohol she consumes on a daily basis.
Her own personal physical health is one thing. The other that directly affects me is her drinking changes her persona. Like the flick of a switch she turns from one of the biggest loving sweethearts I’ve ever known to a complete abusive, disrespectful, dysfunctional, argumentative, despicable, toxic a-holes I've ever known. It’s a Jekyll and Hyde type thing, and incredibly insane snd maddening to witness.
Unfortunately the sober lady is the exception, not the rule as my gf spends the majority of her life in some inebriated state. Because I care for the sober woman so much I have been doing the best I can to get her towards the right paths of betterment, while others including her children have given up on her years ago. All my efforts, which include getting her detoxed, connections with psychiatrists, counsellors, IOP programs etc are all being met with failures, or her not following though in things because she cannot stay sober even for one day. The next effort is for her to receive Vivitrol injections to help with urge control. Although that has never been tried with her I am not optimistic, because she needs to stay dry prior to its administration...and she just...won’t. Nothing but nothing stops this woman from hitting the bottle..hard!
As all know, alcoholism not only affects the addict, it affects their loved ones. It’s so painful for me to watch a lady I do love continually do this to herself. The drunk lady also affects my own health and mental well being. I have broken up with her twice only to immediately come back on the heals of her enticements. I seem to not want to give up...
Many may say that me going back cto her may enable her problem and she needs to hit “rock bottom”. I certainly see the occasional relevancy of that concept, but it doesn’t matter if I’m with her or not. In fact, the last time I broke up with her she ended up in the ER due to concerning inebriated behaviors brought on by her sadness of the breakup. I know she loves me dearly and do truly think that me being at her side at least at this moment is her best shot at betterment. Without me in the mix, there is truly no hope for her at all. She’ll just drink herself to death. This is certainly something that does scare me tremendously as I ponder the need to let her go.
The other thing that I think is right at the forefront of my difficulties is my fear or disdain of her being with someone else. As said, my GF and I have an incredible chemistry in “that department”. Being that she’s beautiful and sensual she’ll easily connect with someone new in barely a couple of days....and I simply have difficulty picturing her with someone else. The thought just pains me...when it really shouldn’t (as it did when my ex wife ran off with another man (that was a killer). If I could get over that notion, and simply “not care”, that would be more than half my battle if/when the time comes for me to throw in the towel.
Any advice in all this? Thank you for perspectives.