Doing Things Differently in Relationships

[sportyspicer]

Hi. I've had a break from online dating and decided I need to recognise red flags and set some boundaries when I start dating again.

Just wondering if any of you changed your approach to dating and if it worked? Or did you find that you still got messed around?

If someone pisses you off or crosses a boundary then just end it. No second chances

Yes but what I'm asking is if anyone changed the way they handled relationships and if it paid off.

I think don’t spend too long message and talking on the phone. Meet sooner if you feel comfortable in a public space. Usually for a coffee or drink. You know more in person.

I would only go on a second date if I really liked them. Don’t lower standards.

If there were any red flag signs or I was not comfortable I would cut them off quickly so not to waste time.

Good luck

I'm probably not the best to answer this as its still a work in progress! But I had a habit of falling into relationships because the dates were just 'okay', and before I knew it I was 6 months in and the mask had started to slip.

I've been far more discerning on my dates lately. Little things I would have previously let slide, I've just decided its not for me. One that springs to mind a couple of weeks ago was a charming, funny man who when we disagreed on something minor in the press, became very belligerent and goady. He tried to mask it with humour, but it was pretty uncomfortable. I can hold my own in a debate and would normally have dismissed him as 'passionate' or some such bollocks, but when he started sneering saying 'I find it so funny when people have opinions about stuff they know nothing about' I just thought mate, this is you on your BEST behaviour...

Whats more shocking to me is in the old days I would have probably tangled with his debate, found it attractive, and then wondered later in the relationship why he had 'suddenly' turned into an abusive arse who mocked my opinions

Yes as soon as I allowed myself to be myself and not try and out on a front for anyone else i was happy and found the most incredible guy who accepted me.

Why I spent so long thinking I wasn't good enough as I was for guys who definitely were not good enough for me I'll never know.

So look back and see how authentic you've been even on first dates.

As soon as you are true to yourself. You'll stop accepting anything less than you want and deserve.

Love this last comment, about being your authentic self on a date. Have standards, don't accept anything under the bar. I did this, im now 50 and found an amazing guy on OLD. Literally I had my checklist on a post it in my pocket. Saved me from making mistakes with men I'd made my whole life. So yeah. I changed my mode of approach and definitely it paid off.

@Signoramarella - that's encouraging. Glad it worked out for you.

Meet sooner, be proactive messaging. With my dp I sent him a proper message straight away, he said he knew I was the one then (how?), rather my normal how are you tonight or whatever...

We also did an activity straight off rather than coffee, spent a few hours together and pretty much been inseparable ever since

OP
I now believe that 'all' you need is

For yourself:

• Empathy : ability to create & maintain relational safety: validation skills, skills dealing with clinging/avoiding (Time Out, etc), skill to share intimately without letting fear, ability to accept differences of opinion (and behaviour withing limits)

• Boundary Skills

PLUS

A "Spark" with someone who has (ideally) already the same skills, or you judge has the the ability to develop them.

One of my favourite places to read about it all: www.alturtle.com/

Thanks for the link - looks like an interesting read.